Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds Page #3

Theboard of directors,

including mymom,

is gonnabehere nextweek, and

iftheylike mypresentation,

which theywill, you'll seemy

posters in high schools

and college campuses

acrossthenation.

"Homo No More.

Stop theSpread of Faggotry!"

Nowl needyou

to repeatthis slogan

to everystudent across campus.

"Homo No More" is gonna become

anational catch phrase.

Like"Can you hear menow?"

Yes, onlymoreclever.

So let's haveatestimonial.

Who wants to start?

I sucked a dick.

Shutup, areyou serious?

Likea fox.

That'sfabulous.

What was it like?

Details.

Tell us howitmade

youfeel, Violet.

Well, I gotreallytrashed

atthe Up With Jesus kegger,

andthis skinny guywith dyed-

blackhair and lipstick

asked iflwanted to do oneof

thoseupsidedown keg shooters.

They started playing

"MyChemical Romance,"

so Itook thatas

a sign, downed halfthe keg,

and beforel knewit, we'rein

the back ofhis mom's Saab,

I'mchoking on his dick,

mymakeup's smearing

and I'm about to puke.

Itwas great.

Iwatched porn...

straightporn.

And I made sure itwas Ron

Jeremyso Iwouldn't focus on...

Yeah.

And itwas hot.

Good, good.

Allan?

How arethings goingwith...

was her name Leslie?

Ithink so, yeah.

Wewent on a date.

Andwhathappened

on this date?

Wewentto this cute

littleltalian restaurant,

servicewas great...

No, I meantphysically.

Well... after dinner

wewentback to her dorm.

Wereyou nervous?

Oh, yeah.

Turned on?

I'm trusting at somepoint

you gotturned on, right?

Oh, yeah... yeah.

Totally... turned on.

Rockhard.

Tell meaboutthat.

Let's see.

Wesat on her bed

and sheshowed methis photo

albumof thisJapanese

internment camp she'd visited,

andwewere balancing

thebook on our legs.

And her knee grazed myknee,

andthatkind of gotmegoing.

Andthen?

Then?

Shejumped on top ofme.

Really!

And I lether

kiss meand stuff.

Good, good!

Did she go for second base?

Run her hands up

and down your smooth chest

underneath your shirt?

Alittle.

That might not count.

Whydon'tyou showme?

Likethis, I guess.

Butneverthenipples?

No.

On this "date,"

did youthink aboutmen?

No.

Never?

Whataboutyour

locker room fantasy?

Thrustingjock straps?

Towels snapping

atyour ass?

I never said

anything about towels.

Well, nextweek's assignment-

and I'mholding youto this -

isthird base.

Butwhataboutthe girl?

Leslie?

Yeah, Leslie.

Shouldn'tl respecther

and stuff?

Don'tworry.

She's not gonna get pregnant.

All I'maskingfor is

onefinger in her bush.

So, I'mfascinatedto hear

your guys'stories.

I'm notreadyto talkyet...

but Kyle here's

got ahot girlfriend.

They can'tkeep their

hands off each other.

You havea girlfriend?

Mm-hm.

Andyou usedto be gay?

Yeah.

Well, why don'tyou

tell us, Kyle?

Whatbrought about

this amazing change?

Ummm... my story...

Just speakfromthe heart -

likeJesus would.

Well... I was

prettymuch born gay.

Momsaid myfirst

sentencewas,

"Getthoseboobs

out ofmyface. "

So... anyway, I lived thegay

lifestylefor awhile.

And I dated a lot of guys...

Alot of guys.

Just... mens and mens

and mens.

I mean, theywere

calling meallthetime!

"Kyle, pleasehavesexwith me.

Please!"

Iwas so popular...

Butthen itbegan

to takeits toll.

See, you realized thegays,

they'renotinterested

in gettingto knowyou.

No, as soon as you

put out, theyvanish.

Andthen theynever call

you backwhen theysay

they'regonna callyou back

becausethey're out

with somestudwhen theysay

theyshould bein class!

I wouldn't saythat.

Wellthen what exactly

wouldyou say, Kyle?

Whatbrought about

this amazingtransformation?

Well, I gotfed up...

with themen andthesex

andthe fun and music

andtheapplemartinis -

and just when I didn'tknow

what elseto do

an angel from heaven above

flewinto mylife.

Asexy, 52-24-48

angel namedTiffani.

Is Tiffani arhinoceros?

Size doesn'tmatter.

Whatmatters is that

Ifell in love

and I never looked back.

Butwhataboutthe sex?

Pieceof cake.

Ijust say,

"Kyle, takeeverything you love

about Reese Witherspoon

and projectit onto this girl

who wantsto bewith you. "

And nowthey can't get enough.

That's incredible.

Yeah, 'causeyou seem

really gay.

Not anymore.

I'm telling you,

there's nothing like

the smooth, wetporcelain lips

ofthe vagina spreading

and enveloping me,

squeezing againstthehead

of mydick ever so firmly.

Andthat's nothing compared

to whatit feels like

to eather outand lap up

allthose fresh juices.

Welookforwardto

seeing you both again.

Well, weboth look forward

to coming... with girls.

Little Ex-gayjoke.

Jesus and Iwill be

keeping an eyeon you.

Hey...

Stop thespread offaggotry!

Thatwasfun!

Thatwas nerve-racking.

Yeah, youweresweating

likea suicide bomber

on a summer jihad.

I loveyour... senseofhumor.

Man, you really

dig your p*ssy.

Yeah.

So what'reyou up to now?

I gotta go modelfor

Mr. Thompson's art class.

Hey, arewe still on

fortomorrow's game?

Goooo... local sportsteam!

This mustbethe rightplace.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

I'mMarc -

Professor Thompson's

nexttop model.

Butl usethe word

top loosely.

Wow, greatbody.

Yeah, I know.

I meantyou.

Oh, thanks.

You'resupposedto wear

it over your shoulders.

What?

Therobe.

Oh... yeah.

Didyou want someprivacy?

'Causel could comeback.

Ah, no.

I'mgonnabe naked

in front oflike15 people.

You'reeasy.

Howwouldyou know?

No, I...

Anyway, we'regonna be

naked in front of 15 people.

- Huh?

- We'reposingtogether.

- Seriously?

- You gotaproblem with that?

No.

Of coursenot.

Areyou gay?

Well, yeah.

You gotaproblem

with that?

No.

I don't havea...

I mean, you'renot straight,

areyou?

Well...

Oh myheck, who areyou?

Uh... I'mMarc, your model.

You are?

Whatabouthim?

You didn't request

two models fortoday?

I havethestudent services

req in here.

Nice.

- What?

- What?

I can't find it.

I mean, I guess ifyou don't

needtwo nudestoday,

I can leave.

Oh, no!

Yeah, yeah...

I do need both models...

nude... in fiveminutes.

I'dforgethead if

itwasn't on top ofme.

What?

Uh... I'd forget myhead

ifit wasn't on top ofme.

Mywifeis always

correcting my grammar.

You know, I'm... -

Uh... I'm married.

OK.

You guys carry on.

I'II, uh... getto class.

So what's your nameagain?

Troy.

Andyou're Marc.

With a c.

Pretty gay, huh?

Look dude, ifyou'reworried

about melooking atyour dick,

I can turn around.

But don't sweatit.

You're notmytype.

I'mnot?

No.

Shouldyou be?

No, I guess not.

I mean, you'rehot and all,

butl likeguys

who can takecharge.

Plus your hair's too dark.

And you'retoo tall.

Gee, thanks.

Just being honestwith you.

I think it's great-types.

I mean, ifweall

wantedthesamething...

mightas well be straight.

Maybenot everyone knows

whattheirtype is.

True enough.

Therewasthis one guy.

This sounds stupid,

but when I methim,

I sort of sawsomething

in his soul -

likealight.

Physicallyhe was nothing

likeany ofthe guys

I'd dated before,

butwhen I sawthat light,

I realized...

this is my type, too.

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