Ed TV Page #2

ED:

Whoa!! Oh!

Ray is cracking up.

RAY:

Is that unbelievable?

She removes her hand.

SHARI:

And that concludes today's show.

(to Ray)

This is where you go around and

collect the money.

Ed LAUGHS. Ray gives her a KISS.

Shari's roommate RITA sits down.

RITA:

Hi.

SHARI:

You guys know my roommate, Rita.

They do, vaguely.

ED:

What's going on over there?

RITA:

Everybody's making

audition tapes for that Real TV

thing.

JOHN:

Oh, that thing. Yeah. Did you hear

about this?

ED:

(not sure)

Yeah, what - they put some schmuck

on TV all day long or something?

RAY:

You know, that would be like a great

thing.

ED:

What?

RAY:

That! Being that guy.

Being the guy they watch.

ED:

What are you drunk?

RAY:

Yeah, but let's stay

on one subject. Whoever that person

is is going to be famous. They'll be

able to get whatever they want.

They'll ... trust me, this is my

business.

ED:

What is?!

RAY:

Show business.

ED:

You're in show business?

RAY:

Yeah. I service video equipment.

ED:

That's like... those people

stitching Nikes in Panama saying

they're in the NBA.

RAY:

(insulted)

I'm not stitching Nikes in

Panama! ... Bedwetter!

ED:

Thumbsucker!

RAY:

I'm making a tape.

ED:

We're excited.

7INT. BAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Ed and Shari, waiting for drink orders.

ED:

So Ray met the family.

SHARI:

Yeah...

ED:

I hear the dog really liked him.

SHARI:

Oh, the whole family loved him.

Of course, they loved the last

guy I went out with, and he strung

me along for three years and dumped

me.

ED:

Really? You see, to me, you shouldn't

have any trouble with men. There

should be, like, a line behind you.

She takes Ed's beer.

SHARI:

You shouldn't drink.

They LAUGH.

8INT. TABLE - A LITTLE LATER

Ed and Shari ARM-WRESTLING. After a struggle, Ed wins. Ed is

impressed.

ED:

Jesus!

Shari wrings out her arm and picks up her beer.

SHARI:

(continuing a previous

conversation)

And, you know, every guy I ever

broke up with, the minute it was

over, I could tell you what went

wrong, how it went wrong, why it

had to go wrong... but when I'm

in it... lost. I'm like a love

coroner. Bring me the corpse,

I'11 tell you what killed it.

But how to prevent it? Lost.

Ed LAUGHS.

ED:

Ray's on.

They walk over.

ANGLE ON RAY:

RAY:

(to camera)

Hi. I'm Ray Pekurney. I'm from

Paramus, New Jersey...

9INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE - DAY

She's watching Ray's tape. Ray thinks he's funnier and

cuter than he is.

RAY (ON TAPE)

All my friends tell me "Ray, you've

got too much personality for one guy."

It's like at a party -- I'm at the

center of the attention. Everybody

loves me.

He gets hit in the face by a hors d'oeuvre.

RAY (CONT'D)

Ha, ha, ha. I'll kick your ass.

No really, let me show you my

girlfriend. She's really cute.

He reaches out and grabs Shari's wrist. Shari is struggling

to stay out of frame. We just see her arm and Ray pulling on

it. Ray lets go.

RAY (CONT'D)

She's strong, 'cause she's a Fedex

girl. She lifts those

packages. But she's not dikey at

all, she's really pretty.

CYNTHIA FAST-FORWARDS

WE SEE the camera shooting an empty space.

Then Ed's head appears sideways right in front of the CAMERA.

ED:

Hello I'm Ed.

He starts to sniff.

ED (CONT'D)

What smells?

He steps back from the camera and straightens his head as

he SNIFFS. He's more relaxed than Ray.

ED (CONT'D)

What is that smell? Oop, I think

it's this idea. One person on TV all

day long?

(screams)

Are you nuts?

WE HEAR LAUGHS:

The Real TV Staff are enjoying Ed's tape while they eat

lunch out of styrofoam containers.

ED (CONT'D)

Seriously, get your resumes in

order. When my brother Ray -

whose personality you were just

dazzled by -- told me he was

going to try out for this -- I

said, "why in the world would

anyone want to be on TV all day

long, no privacy, everybody

knowing your business, exposing

every single detail of your

life I mean... why would anyone

want to do that? But then I

thought of a reason...

(loudly)

Why the hell not?

He KISSES the LENS, smudging it.

Cynthia, watching, cracks up. The others seem to like him to.

10 INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

This is a video store in Paramus, New Jersey. It's busy.

PEOPLE are in line to check out tapes.

WE OPEN ON a WOMAN -- a mother -- who is rummaging through her

purse for her Blockbuster card. She looks up and sees that her

TWO CHILDREN have opened several boxes of candy from the candy

display and are eating from the boxes.

MOTHER:

Oh for -- Put those -- Oh God...

She grabs the boxes from them. The boxes are ripped more than she

thought and candy goes flying all over. She bends to pick it up.

Ed appears. He works here.

ED:

(to the Mom)

We'11 take care of it.

Someone arrives with a broom.

ED (CONT'D)

(to the broom guy)

Here. This time throw it out, don't

eat it.

LOU, the Manager passes.

ED:

Lou, can I talk to you a second?

Lou seems like he'd prefer to avoid this.

LOU:

Um, yeah, I was gonna ...

ED:

What's the deal?

Did anybody make a decision -

LOU:

Ed, look, uh... you're not getting

the job. They're gonna transfer

someone from another store to manage

this store when I leave to manage

the new store. I'm sorry.

ED:

Oh, Christ. Did you go to bat for

me?

LOU:

I batted!

ED:

You batted or you bunted?

LOU:

Hey. I went as far as I felt

comfortable. I mean, you know,

let's face it -- you come and go

here as you please. You work

when you feel like it -- you

know, Bruce Springsteen's

birthday is not a legal holiday.

ED:

Well, then I'm quitting.

LOU:

Ed, come on. What's that gonna do?

You're gonna bring Blockbuster to

their knees. Let me recommend a movie

to you. It's called "Get your sh*t

together before it's too late."

ED:

(wise-ass)

Who's in it?

CLERK:

Ed, telephone.

Ed goes to the phone.

ED:

(into the phone)

Yeah... Are you serious? ... Come

on, no kidding, who is this? ...

Holy sh*t!

11 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - ANOTHER DAY

Ed is being interviewed by the "Real TV" staff whom we met earlier.

He's slightly less comfortable than on his tape, but he's good.

ED:

I had one year of college. And

then one year of junior college.

CYNTHIA (O.C.)

What did you study?

ED:

Oh, see, studying

would've been a huge help. Where

were you, then?

They LAUGH.

CUT TO:

11A INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

Well, there's Ray, my

brother. He's... ambitious. Like a

few years ago, he started this

mobile dog-grooming business. But,

like, out of his Camry. He had this

bathtub in his trunk -

(Ed starts cracking up)

he's throwing the dogs in there, they're

fighting and splashing, then he'd

slam the trunk down, let 'em run

around inside screaming getting all

wet... then he'd use the car

exhaust to dry'em.

(wiping his eyes)

Ah, Ray... he just can't get a

break.

CUT TO:

11B INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

ED:

My sister -- Marcia, I

mean she can't get a break. About

seven years ago she falls in love

with this Vietnamese guy who wants

to marry her so he can stay in the

country. So they get married, they

have a kid, he gets his citizenship,

immediately divorces my sister and

marries this Vietnamese woman who,

he was probably already married to

all along. She can pick 'em.

(pause)

She's got a nice

little boy, though. My nephew, Andy.

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