Ed TV Page #3
- Year:
- 2011
- 408 Views
CUT TO:
11C INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
My Mom's okay. Kinda.
I knew a guy who hated his mother -
Stuey Shwam. He hated his mother so
much, he had his belly button
removed.
CUT TO:
11D INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
No, I've never been married.
The interviewer seems to be waiting for him to elaborate.
He doesn't. He shrugs -- that's it.
CUT TO:
11E INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
Oh, my father -what an a**hole. When I was
hysterectomy -- my father ran
off with her nurse! And that's
the last I heard of him.
CUT TO:
11F INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
Al, my stepfather he's
opinionated. And you have to
listen because he's like in a
wheelchair.
CUT TO:
11G INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
I like my job -- I
mean I'm doing all right. I'm
not sure how long I want to stay
there, you know... I mean, I'm
thirty-one... I'm not sure I
want to be a video store clerk
when I'm forty... Of course, I
'til I was thirty-one, either.
But... you know I'm... keeping
my options open. Anything comes
along, I'm ready to pounce.
(growls like a cougar)
CUT TO:
11H INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER
ED:
A dream? Of course I have a
dream I just don't know what
the hell it is.
(shrugs and smiles)
Ed's image freezes, while he has a funny-cute expression on
his face.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL a TV in a conference room with Ed's
frozen image on it. Cynthia is there with her bosses, the
people who run the network that owns Real TV. The top man is
MR. SCHARLACH. His deputies are MS. SEAVER and MR. McILVAINE.
This is not the same place where we met Cynthia and her
staff. This is richer, more corporate and formal.
CYNTHIA:
He's who we want to go with.
SCHARLACH:
(doubtfully)
This guy.
CYNTHIA:
I polled my
staff. The men say they'd hang
around with him and the women say
he's fuckable. And one of the men
said he's fuckable.
SCHARLACH:
I'm not
sure about the entire concept.
Cynthia is frustrated.
CYNTHIA:
Look it's not like we're
burning up the airwaves
now. We're running neck-and-neck
with The Gardening Channel. If
people just tune in to this twice a
day for five minutes, we're a hit.
Plus we can sell advertising every
second, running at the bottom of the
screen... and the beauty is this guy
doesn't even have to be good. I mean
if he's good, great. But if he winds
up making an ass of himself, better.
McILVAINE
How is that better?
CYNTHIA:
Come on. People cannot turn away
from an accident. You drive by,
you say "Ooh, I hope there's not
a head lying in the road" but you
look ! See, nobody in America
wants to be nobody. This guy
wants to be famous. So,
basically, the deal is he agrees
hundred miles an hour blindfolded
and we get to see if his head
winds up rolling down the
highway. Fun for the whole
family. So let's do it.
She stops, waiting for approval.
12 INT. VIDEO STORE
SCHARLACH:
(coldly)
Good luck.
Ed's RE-STOCKING the SHELVES
He gets goosed from behind
RAY (O.C.)
(very loud and happy)
Hey...
ED:
(goosed)
Oh!
Ed DROPS the BOXES. Ray is there with Shari.
RAY:
I got your message. Way to go!
ED:
Hi, Shari.
(to Ray)
Let's go in the stockroom.
13 INT. STOCKROOM
Ed and Ray enter.
RAY:
So when do you start?
ED:
I ... I'm not gonna do it.
RAY:
What?
ED:
Look -- there's a
million ways to humiliate yourself -
I gotta think of a new way? I mean,
it's all day! Every minute. Id be
like a monkey at the zoo. I just...
RAY:
(disgusted)
Oh man! They
couldn't pick me! They had to pick
you!
He slaps a tape off a shelf.
ED:
You would do this? You would
actually --
RAY:
In a second! In a hot second.
Let me ask you something --
ED:
Why do you do that?
RAY:
What?
ED:
Whenever you ask me
something why do you always say "Let
me ask you something?" Why don't you
just ask me?
RAY:
(impatiently)
All right. Let
me ask you something... are you
happy like this?
ED:
I'm doing all right.
RAY:
Oh Yeah? What's your master plan here?
Shari enters, curious about the yelling. She stands there
quietly, unnoticed by the guys.
RAY (CONT'D)
You're
gonna be a video store clerk for
the rest of your life? This is your
big ambition, rearranging the
"Ernest" movies?
ED:
Screw off.
RAY:
How many
opportunities are you going to
get in your life?
ED:
I don't know.
RAY:
That's right. You
don't know. Doors don't fly open
for guys like us.
ED:
Hey. You know-- we're not the
same. I got a good life, this
job suits me. I come and go when
I please --
RAY:
Oh, don't bullshit a
bullshitter. If you're happy like
this you're an idiot, and you're not
an idiot.
(sees Shari)
Hi.
Ed turns and sees Shari. She's self-conscious. She feels like she's
been caught eavesdropping.
SHARI:
Oh. I -- I heard Ray yelling.
1 didn't mean to --
RAY:
(to Ed)
Give me a chance. I'm begging
you. I need a break. Look, I'11
cover your ass. I'11 ride
shotgun. Just bring those
cameras over to me and I'11 make
something happen for both of us.
I swear. Come on, Eddie
Pause.
ED:
All right.
RAY:
Yeah?!
ED:
Yeah.
Ray lifts Ed up.
Ray kisses Ed.
RAY:
(to Shari)
Is this guy a brother?!
14 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Moderate-priced, restaurant.
WE OPEN ON a CLOSE-UP of AL. He's about seventy.
REVEAL THE FAMILY
AL:
What happens when
you go to the bathroom? Do they
go in with you?
Ed, Ray, Al, JEANETTE and MARCIA. Al is in a WHEELCHAIR and has an
oxygen mask connected to a tank. He periodically takes a hit of
oxygen. He's a little short of breath, but loves to talk. Jeanette
is Ed's mother -- about sixty. Marcia is a little older than Ed.
ED:
No. The bathroom is off
limits -and when I go to sleep they
go to other programming. Unless I get
up. Then they go back on the air.
Unless I get up to go to the
bathroom, I guess, then -
AL:
What if--you're vomiting?
ED:
(amazed by the
question)
What if I'm vomiting?
AL:
Do they show it?
ED:
I guess -- I don't -- it's all in
the contract. There's this
million-page contract --
RAY:
Look, can we all
just sign the releases so we can
get on with this?
MARCIA:
(accusing, to Ed)
What happened? You described this
"crazy-kooky" family who'd be a
million laughs on TV?
ED:
No! I barely even
mentioned -it's just that, my
friends, the people at work,
whoever I'm regularly in contact
with they want releases from.
MARCIA:
(angrily)
They're gonna mock our foibles.
ED:
Our what?
MARCIA:
Our foibles, our foibles!
RAY:
We don't have foibles.
MARCIA:
Everyone has
foibles. Then the whole country sees
them on TV and mocks them. Then we
have... mocked foibles.
JEANTTE:
Eddie, please
don't let them mock our foibles.
ED:
(losing it)
Stop saying foibles!
MARCIA:
Look, my life
is not so great, that I want it
shown on television. And neither
is yours.
RAY:
That's the point -- this could
change things.
MARCIA:
How?
RAY:
For instance... me and my friend
Bucky are buying out my boss. His
equipment, trucks, client list, the
whole shmear.
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"Ed TV" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 13 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ed_tv_467>.
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