Ed TV Page #4

MARCIA:

(points to Ed)

What does that have to do with... ?

RAY:

If they keep Ed on for one full

month, he gets a balloon payment.

Ed nods.

Pause.

RAY (CONT'D)

I borrow

against that now, at the bank. Buy

the business. And Ed becomes a

silent partner. Now here's the

beauty part. While we're on TV I

plug the sh*t out of the business.

Free advertising.

AL:

How about sex?

A STUNNED pause. They all look at Al.

ED:

I'11 have to pass, Al. And it's

not an age thing --

AL:

No! Do they show you having sex?

ED:

No. Kissing and

hugging, okay, but if it's actual

sex they have to cut away.

AL:

At what point?

ED:

At the point -- I

don't -- Look you'd be on TV maybe

one or two times each. I'11 try to

avoid I'11 go out of my way to

avoid, getting together with you.

Believe me.

WE HEAR:
A loud drilling sound.

CUT TO:

15 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY

A WORKMAN is drilling a hole in the wall.

Ed is there with a TV CREW. They're running cable and drilling holes and

examining the apartment.

Cynthia is going around supervising. Ray and Shari are there. Ray is

fascinated. Ed is tense. Shari is observant. Ray separates from Ed

and Shari and asks one of the Installers a technical question.

SHARI AND ED:

Ed thinks.

Ed joins Cynthia.

SHARI:

Are you sure about this?

ED:

Hey, believe me -1 know I've got a great chance of

making a fool of myself, here.

SHARI:

Why do it?

ED:

I saw this show once.

It was about logging. I was home

sick, there was nothing else on. Do

you know how they break up really

bad log jams? You know, when they're

really tangled... ?

SHARI:

Cream rinse?

ED:

(laughs)

Dynamite.

SHARI:

So?

ED:

So maybe this is my dynamite.

SHARI:

Dynamite is dangerous.

CYNTHIA:

Ed, can I see you a second.

ED:

(to Shari)

Excuse me.

CYNTHIA:

Okay, so you

understand? We're installing a

permanent camera in your bedroom,

one in the kitchen, one in the

living room, plus, of course,

there'll always be a couple of

steady-cams following you.

ED:

(overwhelmed)

Cool.

CYNTHIA:

I want you to take this.

She gives him a card.

CYNTHIA (CONT'D)

That has my work number, my home

number, my pager number. I sleep

three hours a night. Call me

whenever you want to talk. Off the

air, on the air, whenever. Okay?

ED:

(barely listening)

Um, yeah -- thanks.

Ed looks kind of overwhelmed. She doesn't like this.

CYNTHIA:

Now look. Don't

freeze up on me. I picked you

because you had kind of a relaxed,

go-with-the-flow quality. You're not

going to lose that, are you?

ED:

No, uh...

CYNTHIA:

I bet my career on you. You'd

better be good.

ED:

(annoyed)

Don't say that. That's like...

telling a guy before you have sex

you'd better be good. You don't do

that.

CYNTHIA:

I do.

Ed reacts.

ED:

Oh.

16 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

He's in bed, watching TV. The news is on. He glances up at one of

the cameras. On the news, they go to a story about him.

ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER

Tomorrow morning, the cable

channel known

as Real TV, begins broadcasting

one of the most heavily promoted

concepts in the history of cable

television. In an experiment that

they say will last at least a month.

They're going to follow -- live -

every waking minute of a thirty-one

year old video store clerk from

Paramus New Jersey. The Real TV

press release on this promises that

none of it will be scripted, none of

it will be edited and in my opinion,

none of it will be interesting. we're

all just supposed to sit in front of

our TV's and watch this guy... live.

(rhymes with "give")

ANCHOR:

(to the Entertainment Reporter)

What would be the interest here?

What would... get people to tune in?

ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER

Betas me.

SIDEKICK:

I don't know. I might check it out.

ANCHOR:

Well, Len's

here to check out sports. Len,

would you watch this video clerk?

LEN:

I'd sooner watch soccer.

They all CRUCKLE.

17 INT. CYNTHIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

She's watching the same show. She's edgy.

She's CRACKING her KNUCKLES.

TV SCREEN:

LEN:

Speaking of disasters, at the

Meadowlands tonight...

The set goes off. Ed, once again, stares up at the camera.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

18 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

Written on the screen -- "Day one."

A DIRECTOR and TECHNICAL CREW with all the modern equipment.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

Here we go. Ten-nine-eight-seven-

19 INT. REAL TV - OFFICES

Cynthia and her staff are gathered to watch the show begin

They're TENSE and EXCITED. A commercial is on.

20 INT. TRUCK

21 INT. OFFICE

A.D.

two... one.

On the TV, the commercial ends and the Real TV logo appears.

A CRAWL BEGINS:

It says "The following is unedited, unscripted, and unrehearsed. It

is the real life of one American citizen named Ed Pekurny."

The logo fades away and we see Ed, in bed, sleeping. His ALARM RINGS

and he wakes up.

He's groggy from sleep. Instinctively, he begins SCRATCHING his

balls. As he does, it hits him that this is not a normal

morning. He looks up and sees two steady-cam guys at the foot of his

bed, aiming their cameras at him. Ed, then, looks at his hand on his

balls. Gently, he moves his hand away.

22 INT. OFFICE

KEITH:

(mock cheerful)

Well, we're off to a great start.

NOTE:
The camera operators will change in shifts. We'11 see

about four regulars over the course of the film. The one we

will see most often is shooting Ed right now. His name is

CARLOS.

23 INT. BEDROOM

Ed, wearing shorts and a T-shirt, gets out of bed. His hair is

sticking up. He passes a mirror and notices his hair.

ED:

Oh, great.

He turns to the camera and seems about to offer an excuse

for his appearance, but, then, just moves on.

ED (CONT'D)

Excuse me.

He grabs some clothes and enters the bathroom.

24 INT. OFFICE

They're not enjoying this. Everyone's staring at Cynthia. She

doesn't flinch.

NOTE:
Silent advertising runs along the bottom of the screen.

25 INT. KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Ed enters, dressed and showered. The Steady-cam is in his

face.

Ed is tight. He's much less comfortable than he expected to

be. He smiles stiffly at the camera. He's misplaced his

natural charm.

He gets a box of Pop-tarts out of the freezer. As he does,

other stuff falls out of the freezer on to the floor. He's

embarrassed. He bends down to pick things up, showing his ass

to the camera.

26 INT. OFFICE

GREG:

(to Cynthia)

Start clearing a place for your Emmy.

27 INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER

Ed is sitting up on the kitchen counter eating his Pop-tarts and

a bowl of cereal.

ED:

(nervously)

Same people like

to put the milk in first and then

the cereal. I like to put in the

milk first - I mean the cereal first

and then the milk. Yeah, that's it.

Now, watch this.

He takes a KNIFE and a BANANA. He peels the banana. He holds the

knife, blade up, over the cereal and chops down on it with the

banana, several times, rapidly, slicing it into the cereal. He's

proud of this.

28 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT

Ray is watching the show. His head is in his hands. He's

horrified by how bad Ed is.

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