Ed Wood Page #8

ED:

I don't think he's a schmuck.

GEORGIE:

And what's with this new title?! My

poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"!

ED:

So change the poster. Trust me,

you'll be better off. This is a

story that's gonna grab people.

(he goes into a pitch)

It's about this guy. He's crazy

about this girl but he likes to

wear dresses. Should he tell her?

Should he not tell her? He's torn.

George, this is DRAMA.

Georgie throws up his hands

GEORGIE:

Fine, shoot whatever baloney you

want! I give up. Just make sure

it's seven reels long.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING

We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a

dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's

voice rises above the hubbub.

ED (O.S.)

Excuse me, could I have everyone's

attention?! Could you gather around?

I've got something to say.

The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle.

In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons,

pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager

Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops.

ED:

Everybody, we're about to embark on

quite a journey. Four days of hard

work... but when it's over, we'll

have a picture that'll entertain,

enlighten, and maybe even move

millions of people.

A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other.

ED:

Now the only way we're gonna achieve

all this is if we stay on schedule.

Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy.

We have eighteen silent scenes that

can be shot quickly: Cars parking,

Patrick's suicide, me strolling as

a man, me strolling as a woman, etc.

(beat)

After lunch, we'll bring in the

Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor

is very important to the plot, so we

might have to spend time on retakes.

But it's worth it. Scene totals for

the first day is thirty-four.

(he catches a breath)

Day Two, we'll be a little busier --

Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks.

CAMERAMAN BILL:

Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to

interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little

worried about those clouds.

He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are

gray.

Ed nods in agreement.

ED:

Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days

Three and Four later. Now let's get

that first shot off! It's Scene 17,

Glenda looking in the window.

THE CREW:

disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly

make-up man, HARRY.

ED:

Okay, do I need any touch-up?

MAKE-UP MAN HARRY

I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way

to go.

ED:

(irritated)

Harry, we've discussed this a million

times. I don't want to look like a

girl. I want to look like myself.

MAKE-UP MAN MARRY

(disgruntled)

Fine. Then you look beautiful.

Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and

suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone.

ED:

PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA!

CAMERAMAN BILL:

(nonchalant)

Rolling.

WIDE:

Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and

behind a building.

ED'S VOICE

And -- ACTION!

A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and

dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk.

Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow.

A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light

Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on

display, then silently walks out of frame.

A beat. Ed SCREAMS.

ED:

And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON!

CAMERAMAN BILL:

Don't you want a second take, for

protection?

ED:

(exhilarated)

What's to protect? It was perfect!

Suddenly a police car turns the corner.

CREW MEMBER:

Cops!

ED:

We don't have a permit. RUN!

Everyone grabs equipment and takes off.

WIPE TO:

INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY

The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There

are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's

set:
A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is

perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes.

ED:

The set doesn't look right! It looks

too... empty. Clutter it up. Put

a skeleton in the corner. And what's

that thing over there?

PAUL MARCO:

I don't know.

ED:

Well it looks good. Let's use it!

Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script.

GEORGIE:

Ed! What's with these revised

pages?! A scene in a smelting

factory? A buffalo stampede??

Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio

Beach??! What's going on here? I

can't afford to film this nonsense!

ED:

Don't worry. We're not gonna film

any of it.

GEORGIE:

Then how's it gonna get in the

picture?!

ED:

I know a guy in Universal's stock

house -- he's giving me the footage

for free. This movie's gonna look

like a million bucks.

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