Eddie Murphy Raw Page #4

and we be like this, "OK.

"We don't need no contract."

And you don't get a contract

and get married without one

and the sh*t don't work out

and you break up a year later.

She's sitting around

in the kitchen by herself, mad,

trying to figure out a way

to get even with your ass.

"I can't believe that motherf***er

did this to me!

"After all the sh*t I did...

"All the things I did for that

motherf***er, he do this to me?

"Him and his fat b*tch

can kiss my ass!

"I don't give a sh*t about

either one of them.

"I don't want sh*t from him or her

and I don't care.

"You know something? You know

what I should...? You know...?

"Half!

"I'll take half his sh*t!"

And they'll get it.

They'll get half your money,

your house, your car, alimony,

child support and your children.

You will be on the cover

of the Enquirer like this:

So be careful!

I started having nightmares.

I was waking up in the middle

of the night like this: "Half!"

Because I'm into American women.

I like American women.

I got a friend

got a Japanese girlfriend.

And Japanese women are

the most docile women on the planet.

They're real... They're real timid,

timid, timid, timid women.

I walked in the house

and his friend, Japanese girl,

bowed to me when I walked in.

I said, "What's wrong

with your wife's back and sh*t?"

He said, "That's a Japanese thing.

They bow."

And I was like,

"Miss, did you decorate the house?"

She looked at her husband,

he did like this:

"You may speak."

And she spoke.

And I was like, "Now, that's

p*ssy control for you, there."

You know, because I'm used

to American women saying:

"You don't own me."

"Hey, baby, where you going?"

"Excuse me?"

"I said, where you going?"

"You don't own me."

"You my woman, ain't you?"

"I don't see no rings on these fingers.

"Are you gonna put a ring

on this finger?

"Well, I..."

"Then you don't own me then, OK?

"I don't give a f***

who you are or what you have, OK?

"You got a whole lot of nerve,

come and ask me where I'm going.

"I don't answer to my father,

I ain't gonna answer to no man.

"Ain't no man gonna tell me

where I can go.

"Who do you think you are?

"To come and ask me where

I'm going? Nobody owns me.

"I own myself.

I am my own person."

And we hear all that sh*t,

then be, "OK."

"Well, where you gonna be?"

"I'm gonna be where I'm at!

"You don't own me!"

Well, you don't.

You don't own your woman.

"You gonna put a ring on my finger?"

That shuts you right up.

You say, "OK."

I know you spend a lot of your money

on your woman.

And I know you go to the movies

and you go to get the ice cream

and the candy and the flowers

and the anklets and the bracelets

and help her get some clothes.

You spending all your money

on sh*t you ain't never spent it on.

But you don't own her.

Because theoretically,

that p*ssy's on lease.

You're leasing the p*ssy.

With an option to buy.

But be careful, because

you lose half on the trade-in.

You got to be careful.

You gotta have a J-O-B in the '80s.

You gotta have some money,

you can't get no p*ssy.

Listen to the radio.

That's what it's about.

Listen to Madonna.

"I'm a material girl in a material world,

"you ain't got no money,

you can't have no p*ssy."

There's a song out now called

"Got to Have a J-O-B

lf You Wanna Be With Me."

And the lyrics go,

"Ain't nothing going on but the rent."

Like if you went up and said:

"Hey, baby, what's going on?"

"The rent, motherf***er."

"You have a job?" "Well, I..."

"Then get the f*** out my face."

Got to have some money. lt says,

"No romance without finance."

And women love them songs.

They be going:

Got to have a J-O-B

lf you wanna be with me

Janet Jackson got a hit record:

"What Have You Done

For Me Lately".

That's what they thinking.

"What have you done for me lately?"

The record start off like that.

"I know he used to do sh*t for you,

but what has he done for you lately?"

"Baby, I love you."

"What have you done for me lately?"

"You the only thing on my mind."

"What have you done for me lately?"

"We make good love."

"What have you done for me lately?"

Got to have some money

to get some p*ssy in the '80s.

lt's f***ed up, that's why I say,

hey, I'm a target.

lf I ever get married, I have to go off

to the woods of Africa

and find me some crazy,

naked, zebra b*tch...

...that knows nothing about money.

She got to be butt naked on a zebra

with a big bone in her nose

and a big plate lip

and a big, f***ed-up Afro!

Her Afro... Afro gotta...

Like, Angela Davis see it and go:

"Goddamn, that's some

f***ed-up sh*t."

Afro gotta be f***ed up

and one of them picks

with a fist in the back.

And she gotta be butt naked,

because if she got clothes,

she gonna have to put

something in the pockets.

She's gotta be butt naked on

the zebra. And y'all think it's a joke.

I'm gonna walk up and say,

"Hey, how you doing? My name's..."

And she go:

I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy."

And I'm gonna bring her home.

Y'all gonna go past a newsstand one

day and see me on the cover of JE

with some woman with a big bone

and a plate and a big, f***ed-up Afro,

butt naked, and y'all gonna say,

"Eddie must be visiting Africa."

lt'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush B*tch."

I'm gonna be like:

What?

What?

Because I ain't getting caught.

I refuse to get caught out there.

F*** that.

And I'm gonna bring her home

and lock her up in the house.

You go off to Africa

and get you a bush woman,

you can't let her mingle

with American women.

Because they'll change her sh*t up.

American women stick together.

Last thing they wanna see

is you got some trained

bush b*tch in your house.

They will catch her by herself

in the kitchen

and throw a monkey wrench

in your whole program.

They get her alone, they be like,

"I can't stand the way you be

"doing everything he tell you to do.

You a human being.

"This house is too big for one person

to clean. Why don't you leave?

"You always crying. Just leave him.

You know something?

"Do you know you could take half

his money? Did you know that?

"He didn't tell you

you were entitled to half?

"He only told you half the story.

"You can take half the money,

the car, the house, the children.

"You can buy all the zebras

and bones you want.

"Go back home in style, girl.

And get your hair done right.

"Cut that Afro off, go back home

in style. Who the hell he think he is?

"Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.

"That motherf***er ain't nothing but...

Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?

"Oh, I didn't know you was here.

You scared me.

"No, I can't stay. I was just talking

to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.

"No, no, no, I got to go. I got to...

You two... Y'all two lovebirds talk.

"Eddie, talk to your...

Talk to Uhmfufu.

"Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on,

Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."

And leave me in the kitchen with

some bush b*tch with an attitude.

"Eddie!

"Eddie!

"I want to talk to you!"

"What's your problem, baby?"

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