Eddie Murphy Raw Page #5

"I don't like the way

you treat me, Eddie.

"You treat me like animal."

"You was butt naked

on a zebra last month."

"I don't care, Eddie.

I am American woman now.

"I want what's coming to me.

"Eddie, what have you

done for me lately?"

"I want you to be happy.

Well, what you want?"

"Half!

"Give me half, Eddie.

Give me half, Mr. F***-you Man.

"Suck my dick, Eddie.

"You motherf***er."

Then I'd be on the front page

of the African Enquirer like this:

So be careful.

Don't get caught in a trap.

Any woman can get

any man she wants

if she puts her mind and p*ssy to it.

They can have you.

They have figured us out. We're very

easy creatures to figure out.

And women know all they have

to do is cater to our egos enough

and they can have you. Guys,

how many times have you f***ed

some ugly b*tch that just kept hanging

around and you had to f*** her?

And then afterwards you be like this,

"I can't believe I f***ed this b*tch."

They just cater to your ego.

Sometimes you'll see

a real ugly b*tch

with a handsome dude.

You say, "How that happen?"

Dude's going,

"Yeah, how that happen?"

Because she catered to his ego.

They can figure us out.

Guys, don't get trapped.

We'll call them "p*ssy traps".

Let's call them p*ssy traps.

lt's a trap.

They trap you with the p*ssy.

They catch you with the p*ssy, see.

And it's a trap.

The most common trap

is to not give you any, though.

Don't think, "Maybe you're

gonna put a trap on."

The most common is when you ain't

getting any at all, that's the trap.

When you meet a woman

and everything is perfect

and she won't do anything,

it's a trap.

Sometimes it backfires, because a lot

of women play these games with sex.

And ladies like sex just as much as we

do, guys, but they act like they don't.

But they do.

There's not a woman...

There's not a woman in this room

that wouldn't rather be somewhere

else with a nice stiff one in them.

Don't you let them fool you.

They like it just as much as us.

See, ladies sitting there going:

"That's true.

"He's funny, but he's not that funny.

"I'll take a dick over a smile any day.

Yes, I will."

They like it just as much as us,

but they play these games.

Know where it backfires

on you, ladies?

When you go meet a guy,

he wants you, you want him,

you like each other,

everything is perfect,

but you won't do anything.

He say, "Let's go."

You say, "No, I'm not gonna do it."

And after that,

he don't like you no more.

But he still wants to f*** you.

So he waits.

He be like, "Okay, I'll wait.

"Goodnight."

And you wait.

You wait three months.

Then you finally get it

and she's like this, "I'm yours."

And you go, "F*** you, b*tch!"

"F*** you and your p*ssy.

Get the f*** out of my face."

Be careful. Don't get trapped.

The most common trap

is to not give you any.

Let me hear the men clap

that are with women

that you've never slept with before.

Let me hear you clap, truthfully.

Look at the ladies going,

"Stop clapping."

Shame on you. You should've

f***ed them. Clap. Clap louder.

Shame on you.

Y'all should've f***ed them.

These men like you

and you just won't do it,

because you're trying to trap...

Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you.

This is what is going on inside

your house every night.

"Baby, come on, now, please."

She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop."

"Baby, come on. Would you stop?"

"Oh, stop. Can we please stop?

"Are we gonna go too far?"

"I want it to go too far.

Come on now, baby."

"We could... Stop.

I just don't think the time is right."

"Well, my dick don't get

much harder than this.

"I been waiting three months.

What's the problem?"

"I don't wanna f***.

I wanna make love.

"I've had too many relationships that

didn't work out. You're special to me.

"I know all the girls do everything

that you want.

"And I don't wanna go through...

Why are you doing this...?"

And men see those tears

and we be, "OK.

"We don't have to do nothing."

Then you go out and your friends be,

"Yo, man, you f*** her yet?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"She's special.

"She said she don't wanna f***,

she wanna make love."

Which is bullshit. I mean, f***ing

and making love, let's be real.

I mean, the physical act...

I like to f*** somebody I'm in love with.

But I ain't making love to nobody.

I get into bed...

I get into bed...

I get into bed...

When you get into bed, would you

rather have somebody say:

"Oh, make love to me"

or grab the back of your head and say,

"F*** the sh*t out of me.

"You motherf***er.

"Just f***, mother...

F*** me, goddamn it."

You want somebody

in the bed with you:

"Oh, darling, I want to make

love to you." That type of sh*t.

"You a motherf***er..."

I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, "I don't

wanna f***, I wanna make love."

And they make you wait. And you wait

and wait and wait and wait.

And you just keep on waiting, you just

wait and finally she gives you some.

And it's the best

you ever had in your life.

You come harder

than you've ever came.

"This was it. This was the feeling I've

been searching for. I finally made love."

You didn't make love.

lt just felt real good. You know why?

Because you waited

five months for it.

lf you're starving and somebody

throw you a cracker,

you gonna be like this:

"Goddamn, that's the best cracker

I ever ate in my life!

"That ain't no regular cracker, was it?

What was that, a Saltine?

"Goddamn, that was delicious.

"That wasn't no Saltine. That was...

That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz?

"God, that was the best cracker

I ever ate in my life.

"Can I have another one, please?

Please, one more."

Then you get married, because

you think you've found the bomb.

Have the same crackers

every day for a year.

And you roll over one day

and be like:

"Hey, I just got some

regular old crackers."

Try to leave? Half!

So be careful. Marry someone

that's not gonna fool around on you.

Which would be hard

to do in the '80s,

because everybody's

f***ing each other nowadays.

lt's like Fuckfest '8 7.

Everybody... Everybody is f***ing

and it really... lt's getting bad.

Let me hear the women clap that

are loyal to their men, truthfully.

Let me hear you clap.

OK, now, let me hear... Let me hear

the women clap that have men

that are loyal to them, truthfully.

Yeah, I see. Y'all some disillusioned

ladies clapping right now.

Let me hear the men clap.

Let me hear the men clap

that are loyal to their women.

Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.

F***, there ain't no such thing as

a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.

Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you're

clapping is because your woman's

sitting next to you right now

when I asked you.

When I asked the question,

she looked at you like this:

"You gonna put your hands together?

"You better stomp your feet and light

a match for this p*ssy, goddamn it.

"Stand up and clap.

Stand your ass up and clap."

"She's number one!"

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