Eddie Murphy Raw Page #6

Get the f*** out.

No such thing as a loyal man.

Ladies, do not be fooled. I know

some men have some strong raps

and they'll have you believing it.

No loyal men.

All men f*** other women.

We are low by nature

and have to do it.

We are men.

All men do it.

We have to do it.

We are men. lt is a man thing.

Men must find and conquer

as much p*ssy as they can get.

Do not think for two seconds that you

are the only one your man is f***ing.

He is a man

and has to conquer women.

I see a lot of you good women

sitting out there going:

"Not my man."

Yes, your man too.

Your man too.

lf he's not here with you tonight,

he f***ing somebody.

Because he is a man.

lt has nothing to do with you.

You can have the best p*ssy

in the world.

There can be a cape hanging

out your p*ssy with a big S on it.

Your man's still gonna go f***

somebody else, because he is a man.

lt is a dick thing.

Do not try to understand it.

You have to have a dick

to understand this. We are men.

I know a lot of guys sitting out there

right now like this too:

"Yo, Ed, shut the f*** up, man!

"I ain't spent all my money

for this, motherf***er!"

You gonna be driving home tonight

with your wife in the car like this:

"You don't really be fooling around like

Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?"

"No, baby. That's just jokes.

"That Ed sure is funny, ain't he?

"Why don't we change the subject.

Let's talk about something different.

"I don't wanna talk about this stuff."

"I do wanna talk about this stuff.

"Why does he have to lie to me?

I think he was telling the truth.

"lf you fooled around, I would be so

hurt and disgusted, I would wait

"until you went to sleep, I would come

inside the room and kill you."

- Thanks, Eddie!

- We love you!

"Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.

"I ain't got to worry.

As much as I love you,

"I wouldn't fool around.

Let's talk about the Richard Pryor."

"I don't wanna talk about

the Richard Pryor.

"I wanna talk about this,

because if you fooled around,

"I would be so hurt,

you know what I would do?"

"What would you do, baby,

take half?"

"No, I'd wait till you went to sleep

"and I'd come inside the room

and cut your dick off."

"Don't be talking about

cutting off my dick."

"Well, you don't be putting your dick

in nobody else, then."

"Well, I don't play that sh*t. You cut off

my dick, you better run, goddamn it.

"Stop making them dick threats."

The woman's favorite...

Y'all always make...

The woman's favorite threat is,

"I'll do something to your dick."

"lf a man do this, I kick him in his nuts.

A man put his hands...

"Don't you put your hands on me,

I'm gonna kick you where it hurts."

Dick threats. Y'all don't realize

how sensitive nuts are, do you?

Men don't like to hear a threat like that.

You hear somebody:

"I'll kick you in the nuts."

lt make you wince, be like:

"Change the subject, please."

You don't have to kick

no nuts to hurt nobody.

You could just graze nuts.

And the man would be f***ed up.

And that pain is worse, because

it don't set in for, like, ten seconds.

You be wondering if it's gonna hurt.

You say, "I wonder,

did that hit my nuts, just...?"

There's no getting around it.

"I'll kick you in your nuts."

You don't have to kick.

You could just graze it.

Y'all do that... You ever have

a woman play-fight with you?

Your man get serious

when they threaten your dick.

You be, "Hey, baby, come on."

And she go:

You say, "Hey, hey, hey.

"I think playtime is over.

"Getting a little crazy." That's why men

don't like to handle babies.

Them little babies with them

high-top white shoes on

with the real hard bottoms.

When they about 1 years old,

you pick them up

and their leg muscles be strong

and they stomp you

in the nuts with both feet.

And both of y'all be dribbling.

You be like:

And their mother think

you talking baby talk.

"Oh, that's so cute,

the way they talking."

"Yeah, go to your mother, please."

"What's the matter, he stink?"

"No, I'm about to throw

this motherf***er someplace.

"Get a little older, I'm gonna kick

you in your nuts, see how you like it."

"I kick him in his nuts." Always talking

about kicking somebody in the nuts.

You know what, ladies?

I had a woman ask me the other day:

"You know why I say my thing?

I wanna know why all men fool around.

"Why, why, why? I do everything

my man wants me to do

"and he still fools around. Why?

I cook, I clean, I f***.

"I come and go as he says.

Why, why, why?"

Then you call up your girlfriends

and go, "Why?"

She go, "I don't know.

My man ain't home." "Why?"

Then you call up your mother

and say, "Mama, why?"

She go, "I don't know, your father

ain't home." "Why? Why?"

I'll tell you why all men fool around.

- Why?

- Hear the ladies go, "Why?"

Men fool around because of this.

Look at all the women in the audience

right now looking up here like this:

We fool around because

we figured women out.

We did.

See, a lot of you ladies going:

"What does he mean,

he figured us out?"

And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what

does he mean, we figured them out?"

We figured you out in this sense,

and this is true.

Anybody's ever done this

will agree with what I'm saying.

Any woman that's ever had this done

to her will agree what I'm gonna say.

Those of you who've never

done this will go, "I disagree."

But once you make

a woman come real hard,

once you make a woman say:

No matter how bad you f*** up,

no matter what you do wrong,

no matter what you say, no matter

what you do, as long as you say:

"I'm sorry," she will listen to your story.

And that's the truth.

That's the God's honest truth.

lt is the truth. Stop it. lt's the truth.

lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon

as y'all make that noise,

your relationship will change

with your man. Because we know.

We wait on that noise.

We waiting on it.

Because we know we can act different

as soon as you go:

We know we can act the fool then.

Remember when your man

couldn't make it, he would call?

No more of that sh*t. He heard you go:

Remember he wanted to spend all his

free time with you? No more of that.

You made that noise.

Your man can act crazy.

We know as soon as you go:

Our face is in the pillow like this,

"I got this motherf***er now, boy."

Then you start talking to her:

"Whose p*ssy is this?

Whose p*ssy is this?"

"Oh, it's your p*ssy!

lt's your p*ssy!"

And your relationship changes

from that moment.

The woman be sitting on the bed,

legs shaking:

"Oh, my God.

Oh, I can't believe it.

"I never came like that before.

I can't believe it."

And their man get real cold,

saying sh*t like:

"Why don't you shake your ass home."

"What are you talking about?

Why are you treating me like this?

"We have a relationship."

"You don't own me."

"What do you mean?

We have a relationship.

"I thought that we go together."

"I don't see no rings on your finger."

"But I love you!"

"Well, what have you

done for me lately?"

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