Eddie Murphy Raw Page #7

And y'all put up with it.

Y'all start putting up

with all kinds of crazy sh*t.

I guess it's hard to find

somebody that knows

how to do it to you right,

because when y'all find one,

y'all stick through that man

through all kinds of bullshit.

I know a man got busted coming

out of another woman's house.

Show you how far a woman will stoop.

He got busted coming out

of another woman's house.

His woman saw him come out,

knew that the woman lived there

and didn't say sh*t.

Wait till they got home and said:

"What the hell was you doing

in that b*tch's house?"

You know what the man said?

"Wasn't me."

"I looked right in your face!"

"Wasn't me."

"Well, I'm supposed

to be a fool, right?"

"Hey.

"Wasn't me."

You know what the woman said?

"Maybe it wasn't you."

I got a friend got busted

in his house, in his bed,

where him and his wife sleep,

with another woman, f***ing!

His wife walked inside the house,

opened up the bedroom door,

saw her man in her bed

with another woman, f***ing.

She walks in:

The man jumped up,

saw his woman standing there.

She ran down the hallway. Chased his

woman down the hallway butt naked

with a rock-hard dick,

talking about, "I'm sorry."

This sound like a tragedy, right?

No, it was like this:

"Baby, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.

Wait, we got to talk.

"Baby, I am sorry."

"No, you're not sorry.

"I can't believe you did this.

You have no respect for me.

"Get the f***...

Don't you f***ing touch me."

"Wait, baby, I am sorry.

Wait a second."

"No, if you're sorry,

you wouldn't have f***ed her!"

And then you change

the sh*t around. Right, guys?

"OK, wait a minute!

"Wait one second, goddamn it!

"Yes, I f***ed her, yes.

"ls that what you want me to say?

I f***ed her? I f***ed her.

"We f***ed, all right?

You happy now? We f***ed!

"Now, let's talk about the word 'f***'

for a minute.

"Because that's a very important

word here. F***, yes, we did.

"F***. I f***ed her.

"I make love to you.

"And if you gonna let a f***

come between our love,

"there's something really wrong

happening here, baby."

Bullshit.

That's the only reason

why it works.

Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all

feeling real macho,

because you may have heard

your woman make that noise

and you think you are

in control of your sh*t.

But I told you a half-hour ago,

women are vindictive.

Don't you think for two seconds that if

you keep breaking this woman's heart,

your sweet, innocent, little,

sweet, loving, darling woman,

she eventually will go out

and f*** someone else.

Don't think she won't.

Don't think she won't.

Look, all the men's faces,

they're like this now:

And men don't like to picture

their woman f***ing nobody.

That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces.

Ladies, look at them.

Guys, picture your woman

f***ing your best friend.

Look at them, they're:

Hey, your woman is like this:

I gotta tell you, be careful.

And women ain't like us.

lt's not their nature to fool around.

Like, we'll go out

and sneak out to the hotel

and have to wash your dick

in the sink and all that sh*t.

Women gonna do it classy.

They don't f*** around like us.

lt's like, "Hey, I don't do this often,

I'm gonna do it right."

Know when your woman's

gonna fool around?

You keep messing her over,

eventually she says sh*t like this:

"You know, I think I'm gonna go to the

Bahamas by myself for the weekend."

And you say,

"You want me to go with you?"

She goes, "No, just me

and my girlfriends are going.

"Just me and my friends."

And we so stupid,

we start thinking about all the p*ssy

we can get while she gone.

"You gonna go by yourself?"

"Yes."

"OK."

And send your woman off

to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

By herself to the Bahamas?

She's walking on the beach,

she laid out all day and got a tan,

your woman is fine

and got her body looking right,

she's walking on the beach,

crying, in the Bahamas.

Lovers on the beach making love.

She's all by herself, walking along,

feeling sad, thinking about you

and everybody's real romantic.

The motion of the ocean

is shimmying off...

The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

Your woman's standing,

looking at it and crying.

And all of a sudden,

a dude named Dexter walks up.

Dexter St. Jock.

He walk up swinging his dick.

Then he do that smooth

Bahamas sh*t on your woman.

"What a beautiful girl like you doing

by herself on the island of love?

"This is the island for lovers.

"You should be being held

right now, girl.

"What you crying about?"

"I'm having some problems

with my boyfriend,

"so I came down here

to think it over."

"Tell me what hotel

your man's staying.

"I tell him that you treat

a woman like you like a princess.

"lf you were my woman,

I make love to you constantly.

"What hotel this man staying in?"

"Well, he's back in New York."

"ls that right?

"Well, listen, girl. Won't you

come back around my place?

"We sit down and talk it over."

"All we gonna do is talk?"

He take your woman to his house

and roll one of them

big-ass Bahama joints.

Sh*t this big and sh*t. Put some

of that Bob Marley music on.

And y'all know Bob

be preaching this sh*t:

Don't let him fool you

Oh, no

Or even try to school you

Oh, yeah

Could this be love?

And be loved

Dick swinging.

Next thing you know,

Dexter is f***ing your woman.

Well.

Send your woman home

floating on air.

Walk through the door like this:

I shot the sheriff

We so stupid, we think it

was the weather. We be going:

"Hey, baby, you need

to get away more often."

And she be like this:

And never tell you.

lt's her little secret.

All women have

a skeleton in the closet.

All women have done

something that only them

and another person knows about.

All women have one skeleton.

Even the little, sweet, innocent ones

have something that only them

and another person knows about.

All women.

Don't be... Look at the guys,

looking at their women again like this:

"You got skeletons in your closet?

"I thought I seen a bone in your shoe.

Whose skeleton was that?"

Don't be fooled. They all have

a skeleton in their closet.

Some of them got cemeteries

in their closet and sh*t.

You open the door and ravens

and sh*t fly out of the closet.

So be careful. Be careful.

Get somebody you gonna be

with forever.

Find somebody perfect for you.

I'm not saying they're perfect people.

I'm saying we ain't perfect.

Find somebody just as f***ed up

as you are and settle down.

That's what you gotta do.

lf I ever get married, I got to marry

somebody with personality.

For instance, I hate those quiet,

salad-eating b*tches,

those real quiet ones, you know.

The kind of women, you take

them out to dinner, you say:

"Hey, what you wanna eat?"

They go, "I'll just have a salad."

And you hear their stomach going:

"I don't know why my stomach

is making that noise."

"Because you're hungry, b*tch."

"Why don't you have

something to eat?"

"No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.

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