Eddie Murphy Raw Page #8

I'll just have a salad."

"What you want to drink?"

"Water."

"What movie you wanna see

after you finish eating?"

"Whatever you wanna see

is OK with me.

"As long as it's a PG.

I hate scary movies."

"This is my friend Bob and Karen."

"Hi."

"What's your problem?"

"I'm just a little shy."

Get your shy ass away from me.

I hate those shy b*tches.

They make me sick to my mother...

I hate shy...

You know, those shy women,

those are usually the ones that have

the most skeletons in their closet.

That's why they shy now.

Because they been raising hell

all their life, now they shy.

Think about it.

All them shy women that you meet,

they never from the town

you meet them in.

They always from somewhere else.

Then they come to your town

and get shy.

Get the f*** out of here.

They afraid to talk,

because they think a bone

is gonna fly out their mouth

or some sh*t.

"Hi.

"So many skeletons."

I hate shy women. I like extroverts,

I like women with a sense of humor.

I like funny girls, funny women.

But you gotta be good-looking too.

I don't wanna f*** no funny, ugly b*tch

and sh*t. I'd have me in the bed going:

"Hey, baby, can you tell me

some more jokes, please?"

Gotta be a good cook.

I didn't realize my mother was

a good cook till after I moved out.

When you're a child, if your mother

doesn't take you to McDonald's,

you don't think she can cook.

I had one of those mothers,

no matter what you want,

she has the ingredients at home.

You say, "Ma, I wanna stop

and get some McDonald's."

And she go,

"I got hamburger meat at home."

"But I want McDonald's hamburger."

"I'll make you a hamburger

better than McDonald's."

"You cook better than McDonald's?"

"That's right.

You can help Mama make it."

You say, "Sh*t, that's better

than McDonald's."

Your mother say,

"OK, go get me the big frying pan."

So you hand her the frying pan

and she say:

"I want you to go in the refrigerator

and get the meat

and while you in there, get me a green

pepper and a onion." And you say:

"Ain't no green peppers

at McDonald's."

"I'm not making McDonald's,

I'm making Mama's burger.

"I need a green pepper and an onion

and get me an egg out too."

"What you need eggs for?

"I want hamburgers.

"You making Egg McMuffins."

"I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.

I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is.

Just get me the egg

and shut your mouth."

She take the egg and

the green peppers

and chop the peppers up

in big chunks.

Don't even dice it. Big chunks

of green peppers and onion

and mix the egg in and put

paprika and all this sh*t in it

and make a big meatball and put it

in the middle of this frying pan.

At McDonald's, the meat is this thin.

Your mother's sh*t is like this or fatter.

Green peppers hanging

out of it and sh*t.

And there's a big split in the middle

and grease is popping out.

You're looking at it while it's popping.

You're looking at the grease

in the pan and thinking:

"That don't look like no McDonald's."

Then your mother say, "Go inside

the refrigerator and get me the bread

out of the bread box." And you go

look in the bread box and you say:

"Ma, we don't have

no hamburger buns.

"All we have is Wonder Bread."

"That's what I said. Get the bread

out of the bread box."

"You gonna put it

on square Wonder Bread?"

"Bread is bread. Bring me

that bread before I slap you.

"Don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

"As much as that bread costs,

don't tell me about Wonder Bread.

"This is Wonder Bread.

A hamburger is a hamburger."

And she'd make it and put it in

the middle of square Wonder Bread.

At McDonald's, they use buns,

the meat covers the whole bread.

At your mother's, the meat's right

in the middle of the bread,

with grease running

through the middle,

making the bread stick

to the plate.

This big green pepper

is hanging out the top

of this big meatball on the bread.

And you try to put some ketchup on it

and it mixes with the grease,

turn the bread into pink dough.

Then you grab it

and get fingerprinted

and you got big, pink fingerprints

in the dough.

You stand there looking at it and you

try to make it look like McDonald's,

so you rip the edges off around it,

make it round.

And you got green peppers and

grease running down your hand.

And your mother say,

"Now, go on outside and play."

And the other kids got McDonald's.

They outside going,

"We got McDonald's hamburgers.

"McDonald's. McDonald's.

"I got McDonald's."

And you standing there

with this big "house burger".

And kids are honest.

They say, "Where you get that

big, welfare, green-pepper burger?"

And you cry.

"My mother made it."

And long slob...

When little kids cry,

some long slob come

out of their mouth

and it hangs this far to the ground.

And it won't break.

And adults stand around going,

"That slob gonna break?"

And it won't.

The wind can blow that slob:

You know where you see kids crying?

I do it all the time, I'm sadistic.

I like to go to supermarkets

and watch mothers lose it

and beat the sh*t out of their kids.

Party at the Loft!

I was at the Loft. You know why

I ain't dancing at the Loft?

I had just got over some sh*t.

I go to parties...

I went to a white disco recently

and I watched the white people dance.

Y'all... Y'all can't dance.

No, it's not... I'm not being racist.

I mean, I mean...

lt's like saying black people

have thick lips.

That's not racist.

lt's true. We have thick lips

and white people can't dance.

And y'all be trying.

Y'all be really...

Do y'all listen to the words

or the beat?

Because y'all be... I really...

I tell you, every time you see a black...

When you go to a white club, you see

five or six brothers just standing.

You ask, "Why are those

n*ggers in here?"

They watching y'all dance.

"Look at these crazy motherfuckers."

Y'all got one dance y'all can do.

Y'all can do this sh*t, like this:

But y'all don't do no moves,

it's just this:

Y'all do some sh*t like this,

you be f***ed up. You'd be:

"Oh, sh*t..."

And white people, y'all step

on each other's feet.

Brothers, we go to the disco,

get all f***ed up,

you're stepping and hitting and...

Brothers got some dance.

They be doing this with their heads.

Some sh*t like that.

lf the white people do that,

they'll kill each other. They be like:

"Sorry."

"Let's stick with this."

I was in the club, man.

I stopped going...

I ain't dancing at the Loft

because I had a fight recently

and I said I ain't dancing.

I went to clubs...

People get drunk, go to clubs

and start fighting.

I had a fight with an ltalian dude

right around the time

Rocky came out.

ltalians... White people, period, y'all

go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie

because y'all believe that sh*t.

Because the movies are

so emotional and so real,

you sit there and go like,

"Hey, this is real."

And Stallone have y'all white

people pumped, especially ltalians.

After ltalians see Rocky, they come

out the movie theater, they be like...

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