Eddie Murphy Raw Page #9

ltalians are funny people, because

they act like niggas. lt's funny.

They do. They hold

their dick more than us.

They be standing around,

"Get the f*** out of here."

"lt's right here, all right?

What? Hey, f*** you, all right?"

Everything is a question too.

"Hey, what am I, an a**hole?

"What am I, a f***ing jerk?

Get the f*** out of here.

"lt's right here, all right?"

After they see Rocky, they come out

of the theater charged.

They be like,

"All right, Rock-O!

"All right, Sly!"

"All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"

Go up to the people

standing on line and sh*t.

"Hey, paisan, you going in to see

Rocky right now?"

"Yeah."

"lt's a great f***ing movie.

"lt's great.

"You gonna like this.

When Sly comes out,

"he breaks this big

f***ing n*gger's face.

"He busts it f***ing wide open.

"F***ing melanzane laying

on the floor, f***ed up.

"lt's f***ing great. I f***ing

love it, man. All right, Rock-O!

"At the end of this picture, now,

just between you and I,

"I don't wanna ruin the surprise,

but Sly wins this one again."

"You know what I like

about Stallone's movies?

"The realism. Because that's the way

you gotta treat those f***ing moolies.

"They think they can f***ing push you

around, 'Oh, you big hotshot,'

"get the f*** out of here.

"Get the f*** out of my face

with that sh*t.

"That's what I like about Sly.

He goes in

"and the moolies are beating him

and he don't f***ing go down,

"he comes in and he cracks

the f***ing moolie's hole like this.

"He falls on the ground. You know,

you can really f***ing do that.

"You see that f***ing big melanzane

standing over there?

"See that black guy over there

at the line getting candy?"

"Yeah." "All right. Now,

he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".

"I ain't no big guy, all right?

"But I'm ltalian. Watch this.

You watch this, all right?

"Hey, excuse me, brother.

"Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

"and let me have some Bon Bons.

"I think I'll have some

Bon Bons there.

"And let me have some

Junior Mints.

"And give me another box

of Juji Fruits.

"And the n*gger's gonna pay for it."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard what I said, moolie.

Pay for my f***ing candy...

"...or I'll kick your ass."

"Oh, you just saw Rocky.

"Look, little ltalian white man.

"I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's

movies too.

"But I'm waiting to get some candy

and I'm gonna go see a movie.

"Why don't you just go hop in your

lROC Z-28 and take your ass home."

"I'll kick your f***ing ass."

Then they hear that Rocky music.

Hour later:

"He's not gonna make it.

"The big n*gger named Abdullah's

hand wrapped around his throat.

"And a box of Juji Fruits rammed

up his ass. He's not gonna make it.

"He's f***ed up."

That's who I had a fight with.

An ltalian.

Those are the worst white people to

fight, especially around Rocky time.

Because I was in a discotheque talking

to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.

Don't ask me why.

We were there kicking it

and this ltalian dude

was there with his girlfriend

and she is looking at me or Deney.

ltalians don't play that sh*t.

You hear the sh*t they say

to their girlfriends? "What the f***

you looking over there for?

"Don't tell me you're not looking.

I just saw you.

"You been looking over there

all f***ing night.

"You look over there again

and I'm gonna pick up a glass

"and shove it in your f***ing mouth.

Don't look over there. No, you shut up.

"You're making me look

like an a**hole.

"Don't you ever disrespect me.

Don't you ever.

"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever...

I'll f***ing kick your ass inside here.

"What are you looking at a f***ing

dancer and a melanzane for?

"You know I'll kick his moolie ass."

He pushed me.

Black people from New York have

this trick we use on white people.

lt works.

Even if you can't fight,

you have to act like you can fight,

because that gets you out

of a lot of fights.

lt works.

lf you have some problem...

Walk up to a white dude and

step on his foot. And he says:

"Hey, you got a problem?" You go,

"Yeah, motherf***er, I got a problem!"

"I just lost my motherfucking job

"to a white man, look just like you!

"So I say I'm gonna step on some feet

till I feel I've redeemed myself.

"You got a problem?"

And white guys will go,

"Hey, I didn't know about your job."

They leave and brother

be standing there like this:

"That was close.

"I almost got f***ed up."

So I know you gotta act

like you can fight.

First, you make your voice

go up an octave

and act real confused.

And mumble:

"What the f*** this

motherf***er trying...?

"Yo, you don't put your

motherfucking hand, no...

"Mind your motherfucking business.

I'll bust your motherfucking ass.

"Don't you never put your hands...

Shut the f*** up.

"What the f*** is wrong

with you, man?

"You know I'll bust you...

Get the f*** off me.

"I'll bust your motherfucking ass too.

Mind your motherfucking business.

"You want some, motherf***er?

You want some?

"Then make a move, then.

Make a move.

"Yeah, you better walk away, mother...

I'll bust your p*ssy ass too.

"You never put your

motherfucking hands on me.

"What the f*** is your problem?

What's your problem, huh?

"You got a problem?

Well, I'm gonna settle your problem.

"I'm gonna settle your problem,

motherf***er!"

And the dude did like this,

"Come on!"

I was stuck.

I was standing there like this now.

Dude said, "Come on,

that's the way I like it."

I didn't know what to do, because

I could act like I could fight good.

I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter.

You put me in a movie where

I'm the star, I'll kick your ass.

This is real sh*t.

He's going, "Come on."

I was frozen, man.

I was standing there,

my ego jumped out

of my body and said,

"Punch him in the face, Ed."

I said, "I ain't punching nobody."

My ego said,

"Well, give me your hand."

Clocked that boy in his eye.

Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

he was all f***ed up.

I looked at my ego, I said:

"What the f*** you do that for?"

Ego said, "Because you've got

an image to uphold.

"You kicked the dude's ass.

Relax."

The dude was laying there,

holding his eye.

My ego said, "Now talk some sh*t

so people know not to mess with you."

And I was like, "Yeah.

"I'm tired of people messing with me."

"Now tell them if somebody else move,

you gonna kick their ass."

"lf somebody else move,

"I'm gonna kick their ass?"

"Do some rhyme with your name.

That always scares white people."

"Because I'm Ed

"and if you mess with Ed,

you be dead."

"That's all right. Just worry about...

Sh*t, you doing fine.

"You just relax, don't worry.

Just be cool.

"Ain't nobody gonna move after

they seen you kick this dude's ass.

"Just relax and cool out."

I start cooling out. My ego said:

"Every now and then you

gotta whip somebody's ass,

"let them know where you stand."

I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

I ain't see this dude's brother

standing behind me.

And he has seen Rocky too.

And he swung around my back

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