Eddie Murphy Raw Page #10

and punched me in the mouth...

...real, real hard.

Because the punch said:

And my ego said, "What was that?!"

I said, "I don't know."

And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"

So I'm standing there

with my lips hanging down,

looking like J.J. from

Good Times and sh*t.

And I ain't know what to do,

so I scream for security.

I said, "Security!"

And that's when one of my boys

jumped over the table

like Linc Hayes from

the Mod Squad

and grabbed that boy

and started going:

Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up

and starts f***ing this boy up

and his brother woke up, jump on top

of my boy and started kicking his ass.

Then somebody says,

"Fight in the back!"

And all the people,

the bouncers, came

and saw two n*ggers

fighting two white guys.

They jump on the n*ggers.

"You n*ggers have to learn

"to stop f***ing up our club.

Didn't we let you in here, n*gger?

"We saw you laughing while

we were dancing. We saw you."

Then all the brothers saw 40 white

guys beating up two black guys,

"Hey, you can't beat up the brothers."

They jump in the fight.

Then it looked like 40 white guys

fighting 40 black guys,

it was a big race war and suntan lotion

and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over.

And at the end of the fight,

everybody sued me.

Everybody claimed

I whipped their ass.

I'm 5'1 0". I weigh 1 65 pounds.

I can't whip a disco's ass by myself.

Even people that didn't fight sued me.

People that watched the fight

was in court.

"No, I didn't actually fight,

but I was there watching.

"And it was a discotheque

and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,

"creating a weird effect

with the mirror

"and I saw this

and my eyes were sprained,

"the eyes, and I need 1 2 million

for my sprained eyes."

Brothers sued me. Yo, man,

the brothers came out and sued.

I was like, "Ain't no brothers

gonna sue me." Brothers sued Ed.

The brothers went to get paid.

I was, "Brothers don't sue brothers."

They was like, "F*** that.

I'm getting paid, motherf***er."

Brothers went to court,

got educated on the judge.

All of a sudden they was like,

"State your case."

"Yes, Your Honor, on the evening

in question, per se, Your Honor.

"Yo, check it out, Your Honor.

I was inside the disco.

"Cooling, right?

I went in with my girlie, right?

"My girl start illing,

'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'

"Start acting all tipsy and sh*t.

I say, 'Where?' She say, 'Over there.'

"I say,

'F*** that big-nose motherf***er.

'I make my money just like him.'

Right, Your Honor?

"I don't give a f***.

I ain't getting on nobody.

"So, Your Honor, check it out, right?

What happened then, right?

"I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over,

get the motherf***er autograph?'

"I got the autograph for my girlie.

"I walked over and said,

'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'

"Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing

a motherfucking thing.

'F*** you and your ugly b*tch.'

I say, 'Yo, Ed.

'I'll bust your ass

for saying sh*t like that.'

"He say, 'Motherf***er, I...'

And he ran over to my woman

"and slap her in the face,

Your Honor.

"Then he slap me and

my man in the face.

"All three of us, like

the Three Stooges, Your Honor.

"Twelve million.

"Twelve!" I was disgusted.

"Yeah, Your Honor.

Give us half his sh*t."

I was mad. I called my mother up.

You know how you do.

When you get depressed,

you call your mother.

You get your ass whipped,

first you call home.

I call my mother's house.

Because you wanna hear:

"lt's gonna be all right, baby.

lt's gonna be fine.

"You just come on home. Stop crying.

I'll cook you something to eat.

"I'll cook you one of them

big old hamburgers

"I used to make before.

You just come on home."

And you want that burger

when you get older.

I called my mother's house,

it was a Friday night,

the phone rang for a half-hour.

Which meant my pops was home, and

on the weekends, my pops gets drunk.

I was praying he wouldn't

answer the phone,

because I'm bleeding,

my lips are swollen,

people walking by going,

"Jimmie Walker."

I'm going, "No, I'm Ed.

I just had a fight."

So I'm praying my father

wouldn't answer the phone.

And I picture this is going on,

my pops is home like this, drunk:

"This is my house!

"lt's my house

and I don't give a f***!

"You know something?

Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.

"Lil? I'm drunk.

And you know something?

"lt's beautiful.

"lt's beautiful, Lil. ln my heart

and my soul, I'm drunk.

"You know something, f*** it.

"Because if I wanna drink

something in my house, fine.

"You don't like it,

get the f*** out of my house.

"I pay the bills for this motherf***er.

I wanna drink something, I drink.

"Hey, Lil, you gonna

answer this telephone?

"Do you hear the phone ringing?

"Lil!

"That's the phone, motherf***er.

That's not me.

"No, I'm not answering sh*t.

"I pay the bills.

I'm gonna answer the phone too?

"Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell

up in this motherf***er?

"You better answer this telephone.

"Lil, answer the phone.

Goddamn it, look...

"Sh*t, I'm watching the fights, Lil.

"Are you...?

You're not gonna answer it?

"OK. Fine.

Don't touch the phone no more, Lil.

"Since you can't get up off your ass

and answer the phone,

"you can't touch the phone.

Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.

"No more phone for you.

Your phone privileges are cut off.

"I'm gonna write that down

and put it on the fridge.

"That's the new rules in the house.

"I'm gonna take the old rules off

and put new rules up.

"You gonna listen to me

when I tell you to do something.

"We gonna put new rules up.

We gonna put rules up. Rules up.

"Rules. Rules.

"One, 'Lillian cannot use the phone.'

"Two, 'Lillian cannot...'

"Since you're such a smart

motherf***er,

"you can't go outside anymore either.

"Cannot go outside ever again.

"Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

"You abide by my rules

and my regulations, goddamn it.

"And the rules say

'No phone and no outside.'

"And I don't give a f*** if the

motherfucking house is burning down.

"lf I come home and a fireman

putting the house out, I say:

'How you find out the house

was burning?'

'We got a call from your wife,'

I kick your motherfucking ass.

"You're in this house to stay!

You'll burn up in this motherf***er.

"No, Lillian, where you going? Didn't

I just say you couldn't go no place?

"How the hell you gonna

go somewhere...?

"You're not going to Shirley's house

to play Pokeno. F*** Pokeno.

"Take your coat off. No, you can't

go no place because I said so.

"The rules say 'no outside.' I know you

wanna leave, that's why you can't go.

"You better call and tell her

you're not coming.

"You can't use my phone.

"I don't know.

You better lift up the window

"and scream your

motherfucking head off.

"But you're not... I don't give...

"You're not going no place.

You're not going no place.

"Because I know you wanna leave.

That's why. I know you wanna leave.

"I know you wanna leave."

I got one of those fathers

who gets drunk and sings

old Motown songs to you

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