Elektra Luxx Page #9

I'm telling you all of this

precisely because I am not writing

a character based on you anymore.

You're not?

Absolutely, categorically not.

What changed

your mind?

I needed a femme fatale.

A tragic figure.

And you just kept changing

my perception of the character

so then I became interested

in you.

I became intrigued

with how positive you remain

even having led such a sordid life.

It takes more than willpower.

It takes gusto

to remain that stubborn.

- I can't tell if you're making fun of me.

- I don't think she is. Look at her eyes.

Charlotte, um, will you let us talk

in private for a moment?

Sure thing.

Nice meeting you, Miss Linbrook.

Nice meeting you too, Charlotte.

Quite honestly, I'm afraid of children.

They're everywhere.

I know what you mean,

but Charlotte's all right.

So how can I help you?

Do you have any Scotch?

Sorry, I don't.

That's all right.

I'm a lone wolf, Elektra.

I've become more and more

secretive the older I get.

It's not really my nature.

It's this rotten fame as a novelist.

I've learned to talk a lot, but I never

really reveal anything about myself.

To be quite honest,

I've had a bit of a day.

I had a terrible fight with my daughter,

whose boyfriend lives below you,

technically her husband now.

That's how you came onto the radar.

I saw you coming out of that

limousine with that rock star.

- Wait, Eleanor is your daughter?

- Yes.

Yes, and I love her desperately,

but she's just so spoiled.

It's just impossible.

Stop. I don't know what it is,

but everybody has this bizarre

compulsion to tell me their problems.

I know I look wise and enlightened,

but I cannot help you whatsoever.

I am a total mess myself.

I know. I know.

You're pregnant and you're broke

and you're in terrible debt

with the IRS

and you don't have

any real career prospects.

Well, you don't have to put it

like that.

How do you feel

about self-help books?

- I hate them.

- Same here.

They only help the person

that writes them.

- I couldn't agree with you more.

- Right.

With all due respect, you are

going somewhere with this, right?

Oh, yes, I want to write a book

about your class.

About my class?

When a woman reaches my age,

Elektra...

Well, when a woman my age

writes mysteries,

everybody automatically assumes

that you're a lesbian,

but in my case,

there's this cruel irony

in that when one finally figures out

how the equipment works,

then all the men are dying

or they're chasing teenagers.

In fact, none of my friends

would ever guess

that I am dating

my Filipino landscaper, Lamberto,

And by "dating,"

I mean we mostly stay in bed.

And all of that is due to you,

my dear.

I want to write a self-help book

that actually helps.

I've already spoken

to my publisher about it.

What did they say?

He wrote you an advance.

That's a lot of zeros, isn't it?

That's just the start.

Are you?

Is this real?

Oh, of course. Of course, sometimes

good things happen to good people.

Today, something good

is happening to you.

What did you say?

I sell a lot of books, Elektra.

And when a world-famous author

decides to dip her feet

into the waters

of the self-help arena,

well, let's just say

that my esteemed publisher

will move mountains

to make sure it's a bona fide hit.

Especially something as titillating

and spiritually healing as:

How to Act Like a Porn Star in Bed.

Swell title, by the way.

Thank you. It came to me

while I was in the shower.

- We're gonna have to change it.

- Oh, yeah?

Yes, something a little catchier

with a little ring to it. Maybe:

Women in Ecstasy.

Woman in Ecstasy.

Yes, how's that roll off your tongue?

I like it.

Yeah?

You know, they say all it takes

to survive bad fortune

is decent manners.

But good fortune,

that takes character.

You're going to be a very

rich woman, Elektra Luxx.

Better make sure

your head's on right.

As right as it's ever gonna be.

To Women in Ecstasy.

To Women in Ecstasy.

"When you begin to mount the edge

of the most fantastic shivering spasm,

it's not bad form

to look him in the eye and say:

'I don't know where I'm going,

but if you move, I will kill you.'

And if you're with a woman,

you might compliment her hair.

Nothing makes us more insecure,

even with our ankles

behind our ears,

than our hair looking all funny."

Chapter two:
"How to Seduce

Just About Anything that Moves."

Which is a good place

for us to stop.

You will have to buy the book

to find out.

Oh, hey, Jean, how

lovely of you to come.

Of course. I started talking dirty

to my husband in the act.

It's completely changed

the way we communicate.

Not just in the bed, all the time.

Turns out I have a real flair

for coming up with the filthiest things.

- He can't get enough.

- That is great, dear, whatever it takes.

Thank you.

- Lamberto.

- Excuse me, sir.

The only merchandise she's signing

is the book.

- Bert?

- Hi, Elektra.

Oh, he's okay, Lamberto.

How are you doing?

Very good, very good. How are you?

You look so curvaceous.

Oh, well, I'm about to explode.

- How is the website doing?

- Very good.

We have a new layout

for easier site navigation.

- My girlfriend, Trixie, designed it.

- You have a girlfriend?

Six months. She helped me through a

hard time. Would you like to meet her?

- Yeah. Of course.

BERT:
Yeah? Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hi, Trixie. I'm Elektra.

- I've heard so much about you.

- You can't prove any of it.

Oh, it's all good, don't worry.

Yes, Elektra, well, first off,

congratulations on this epochal event.

Your debut,

it's sure to be a bestseller.

We have links on our website

to almost every online retailer

...that carries the book. Yeah.

- That's so nice of you.

Go on, ask her.

- What?

- Well, now that you're pregnant,

there's been unprecedented

chat-board speculation

since you're so famously

naturally endowed

as to exactly how much bigger

your breasts have gotten.

And we conducted a poll

guessing actual measurements,

but I promised

I'd make an inquiry.

If it's not too offensive to ask.

Yeah, uh, Miss Luxx, he means

it in the most innocent way.

Water...

- You wanna take a water break?

- No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

Oh, you want us

to get you some water.

No, no, no. I don't need any water.

I think my water just broke.

- Your what?

- My water just... It broke.

Holy Jesus, her water broke.

Oh, my God. Are you gonna be okay?

Call a cab.

Put this in the trunk flat, not folded.

- Yeah. Excuse me.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God.

- I have a car. I can bring it around.

- Dell?

BERT:
I'll get you to a hospital.

ELEKTRA:
Sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Come on, work with me.

Please don't drop me.

Elektra Luxx, I would die

a happy man before I drop you.

Let's go get this baby born.

Come on, people,

work with me here.

ANNOUNCER:
Watch Elektra Luxx in her farewell

to the adult-motion-picture industry.

You wanna play games?

I like games.

When I ask you a question,

you'll know.

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