Elf Page #4

'cause I'm double booked the rest of the afternoon.

Am I sick?

Yeah, but that's not why we're Here.

We're hereto do a test, come on.

What kind test? Just a test to Find out

If you're my son or not. Why am I sitting on paper?

Because it's sanitary for the other patients.

Now, sit still so I can do the finger prick.

[Gasps] Finger prick!

Ohh! It's cold.

Yeah, just pleases it still, Please?

Okay, can I listen to your necklace?

No, you can't. Will you Just sit still...

Why is there a skeleton? over there?

I don't know, Walter, Could you please...?

If I squint it looks like a pirate flag.

Could you please have him? Sit still?

Does he have a name? No, He hasn't got a name.

I'm sorry, Ben, I am sorry.

I have a lot of patients waiting.

Would you please it still? Please.

He got mad at me. Yes, he did. He did.

The sooner you sit still, The sooner we can

Get this mess over with.

Okay. Then can we eat sugar plums?

You betch a... we'll eat sugar Plums,

Have gingerbread houses, And we'll even paint eggs.

Well, paint eggs, that's Easter.

Ow!!! Ohh...

My finger has a heartbeat.

It won't hurt so much after a little.

What's your name?

Buddy.

I'm Carolyn.

Hi.

What do you want for Christmas?

A Suzy-talks-a-lot.

I'll put in a good word with the big man.

Thanks. Your costume is pretty.

Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf.

Well, technically, I'm a human,

But I was raised by elves.

Oh, I'm a human raised by humans.

Hmm. Cool.

[Door opens] So?

It's a boy... buddy's your son.

That's very impossible.

You... you saw that guy out there.

He's... he's certifiably insane.

He's probably just reverting

To a state of childlike dependency.

An elf?

What he needs is to be nurtured.

Oh, I see.

So, um, uh...

You'd like me to breastfeed him?

Walter, just bring him home.

Introduce him to Emily and Michael,

And once... once he comes to Terms with reality,

He should drop the whole elf Thing and move on with his life.

I mean, that's what I would do if I was you.

Oh, my god! Walter, this is...

This is wonderful,

You... you have another son.

Wonderful. Oh, gosh, I...

I guess I never really thought of it that way.

This is incredible, I...

You know, it's a little complicated,

But it's nothing that we can't handle.

Honey? What?

He thinks he's an elf.

I'm sorry, what?

He think she's a Christmas elf.

Oh, come on, Walter,

I'm sure he doesn't actually think he's an elf.

And then, I traveled through the seven levels

Of the candy cane forest,

Past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops,

And then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel.

Ahh.

So, where were you for the last 30 years?

The north pole.

Can you pass the maple syrup? Please?

I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.

Oh, you know what? I think I have some.

Yes.

You like sugar, huh?

Is there sugar in syrup?

Yes.

Then yes.

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups

Candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

So, will you be staying with us? Then?

You mean I can stay?

Of course you can. Emily.

How... how long do you think you'll be with us?

I... I hadn't really planned it out,

But I was thinking, like... forever.

Emily? Can I just speak to you for a minute

in the, uh, kitchen, please?

Are you crazy? He cannot stay here.

Clearly he has some serious issues.

We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Why not? He loves the snow.

He's told me 15 times.

Walter, he's your son.

[Belching]

Did you hear that?

You are so weird.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad! [Door opens]

What?

[Whispering I can't go to sleep]

[Unless I get tucked in.]

What?

[I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.]

I am not gonna tuck you in.

I... I promise I'll go right to sleep.

Fine.

Tickle fight, tickle fight! buddy, stop.

Tickle fight. Tickle... stop stop, stop.

Sorry.

It's all right.

Hey, uh...

[Clears throat]

You just lay there and go to sleep.

Okay.

Okay.

Dad? Hmm?

I love you.

Okay. Go to sleep now.

Well, this is really something.

I'm usually the one making breakfast.

That's good, that's good.

Okay.

Oh, that's good.

Good? Good.

Good.

So, did you, um...

Did you sleep okay last night?

Great. I got a full 40 minutes.

And I had time to build that rocking horse.

Uh, oh, my gosh. You actually made that?

Where did you get all the wood?

Good morning, honey. Good morning, dad.

Walter, buddy has made us breakfast.

Isn't that nice? [Grunts]

And lunch.

And lunch.

[Emily:
] Bye.

So, dad, how many scoops?

I'll stick with the coffee now, thanks.

So, dad...

I planned out our whole day.

First, we'll make snow angels for two hours,

And then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll

Of tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can,

And then, to finish, we'll snuggle.

I've got to go to work, buddy.

Oh, and another thing...

If you're going to be staying here,

You should think about, you know,

Getting rid of the costume.

But I've worn this my whole life.

You're not in the North Pole any longer.

You wanna make me happy, don't you?

More than anything.

Then, lose the tights. I mean, as soon as possible.

As soon as possible?

As soon as possible.

Okay.

[Emily:
] I almost forgot...

Aah! Aah!

Good morning.

[Cell phone rings]

[Ring]

Walter here.

[Gasps] It worked, it's you.

How'd you get this number?

Emily left an emergency list.

I see.

And, uh, is this an emergency?

There's a horrible noise

Coming from the evil box underneath the window.

It sounds like this...

[Screeches and wails]

It's, uh, it's... it's not evil, buddy,

It's, uh, it's a radiator,

And the heat makes noise when it comes on.

No, it doesn't. It... It's very evil.

It's scary to look at. It's... okay...

I'm going toward... oh, wait. Yes, it is.

Okay, it's okay. It's okay.

Everything's fine.

You were right.

Okay, good, uh, I'm gonna hang up now.

I love you.

I'll call you in five minutes.

No, no, buddy, don't, uh...

You... you don't have to call me, okay?

Good idea, you call me.

Okay. I'm gonna hang up now.

I painted a picture of a butterfly.

Good. I'm gonna hang up now.

I tuned the piano.

Okay, I love you. Bye.

Mmm...

Mmm... Mmm.

Mmm.

[Sighs]

Hobbs. Hey!

How you doing? Please, sit down.

I haven't seen you since the retreat.

You're looking good.

Oh, thank you very much. You as well.

To what do I owe the, uh, pleasure?

Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece.

She wants to know

How a certain puppy and a certain pigeon

Escape the clutches of a certain evil witch.

Believe me, uh,

We're already looking for new printers.

This one has obviously gotten a little sloppy.

Maybe it isn't the printer who's gotten sloppy.

That's your signature, right?

You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day.

I've got news for you...

Even if those two pages were in there,

The book still would have sucked.

Have you seen the numbers for this quarter?

Uh, they'll be here today. Oh, they're in.

That frigging puppy and pigeon

Are tanking hard, Hobbs.

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