Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning Page #6

---

in the bathroom on the b...

I don't understand that,

I have questions!

How do you even have room

to fit two people in there

to have sex?

I barely have room

to have sex in there by myself.

I have to leave the door open a smidge

cause my leg has to be like that...

That's how I like it!

Sex... that's a... boy,

that will separate you...

You tell sb what you are into...

and people are:
"Uuh, you like that?

You are weird!"

That separates people like crazy,

when you talk about sexuality.

Very interesting, we have this

huge debate going on right now...

about same-sex marriage.

There are people, who are against it,

there are people, who are for it.

and the people, who are against it

some people say:

Marriage is a union between

a man and a woman...

it's always been that way

and it should always remain that way.

if we change it

and it's between two people

of the same sex.

then, what is next?

Someone could marry an animal?

That's where they go to right away.

These people scare me...

And they think, we are weird.

I don't wanna marry a goat,

I really don't

I can't imagine marrying a goat,

I can't even imagine dating a goat.

Getting to the point that you're so serious

to make that kind of commitment

Till you've lived together for a while

to figure it out

and see of you are compatible.

I am just picturing the apartment

with you and the goat.

Photographs all over the place.

You and the goat on the beach running

holding hands...

You and the goat

with the 4 for 1 photo strip

Sunday morning,

you're trying to read the paper...

It's trying to eat it...

Don't you eat that section,

I haven't read that, yet.

Don't you eat, don't you eat,

come here...

Love you, you... goat.

I think that would be a though day

even for the most liberal parents

the day you bring the goat home.

Mom, dad, this is Billy...

We are in love...

If you don't like st,

say you don't like it,

say you disapprove of it.

say, it's your opinion,

that you don't like it...

or it's wrong.

Everyone's got a right

for their opinion.

I fully believe that.

But when people bring God

into it and say:

God says this,

God wants this, God believes that...

I don't know,

how you do that.

I don't know,

how you speak for someone else,

because until you are sitting

with someone

and hear it for yourself

with your own ears...

out of someone else's mouth

it's hard to speak for someone else

That's what I believe...

I have learned in this business

to not believe anything I read or hear

until I sit down with that person and

hear it for myself.

That's one of the ? of this business.

You get to meet a lot of

interesting people.

and you get to have a lot of

interesting conversations.

I've been lucky enough

I've met the president,

and Oprah, and Madonna,

and lot of people and so...

it was a matter of time before I would

met God and I have.

What a day that was!

I will tell ya something,

this was magical for me

cause I was invited over

to God's house one afernoon...

for a fondue and chablis.

Normally, I don't like chablis,

but it was nice, it was dry...

with a peppery oak aftertaste.

I'm getting ahead of myself,

anyway, so...

I get up to God's house.

As I am pulling up,

Jeniffer Love Hewitt was just leaving.

She is sweet...

So I go in and

I'm sitting in God's living room...

and I'm waiting...

It's bright in there,

let me tell you that.

Every lamp was on,

crazy, crazy bright in there.

So I'm sitting there and

I'm waiting.

And I started thinking...

Wonder what he is dressed like...

I wonder, if he's wearing that

robe all the time.

Because I feel like that about the Pope

like once in a while, don't you think

he throws a pair of shorts and a tank?

Chillin' out...

Then I start thinking:

I wonder, if I am dressed appropriatelly

to meet God.

I don't know,

how you are supposed to dress...

and then I realize, God's seen me naked.

I just took my clothes off.

So I'm looking around the living room

and in front of me there

is a coffee table

with two magazines on:

Teen People and Guns and Amo.

A poster of a kitten on the wall:

Hang in there, baby!

Pictures of Jesus

EVERYWHERE... I mean

You can't even believe,

how many pics of Jesus there were.

Picture of Jesus on a pony

with a cowboy hat.

Picture of Jesus on a beach

with the T-shirt that said:

My parents created the universe

and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

I was getting nervous,

I'm gonna meet God...

and just a minute,

I don't even know, how to greet God.

Do I shake hands? Do I courtesy or

do I bow?

Do we hug? I feel close enough to God.

To hug God, but I know,

many people want to hug me

because TV does that.

But I don't want to hug

a lot of these people.

It's just trying to be respectful.

A couple of minutes later,

God walks in the room

carying a try of fondue

and chablis.

I would say, she was about forty-seven,

forty-eight years old...

Just beautiful, beautiful black woman.

We just immediately hugged...

she smelled so good,...

she said, it was Kelvin Klein's Obsession.

We sat down and started drinking

the chablis

and talking about the weather...

what was gonna happen to it.

I was asking different questions,

a bunch of questions...

I was just curious about.

What is the hardest thing about being God...

She said, trusting people...

You never know,

if people really like you...

Or if it's just cause you're God.

People always want st from you.

they want money

and they want more money...

that's what they ask a lot,

nobody ever thanks anymore.

The only people, who thank,

are boxers and rappers.

Rappers are singing songs like:

"Slap the b*tch up the ass. "

I'd like to thank the Lord Almighty

for this award...

Praise Jesus...

Nobody cares about

the miracles anymore.

Miracles just go by unnoticed.

I said:
"What

was the last miracle?"

and she cried... she was upset

that I had to ask.

It's the toilette that

flushes automatically.

Before that it was the

George Foreman Grill

cause the fat just dripps

right off...

So anyway, I guess, it was the chablis,

or st, but I'd loosen up enough to say:

God, I have to admit,

I really felt alone a lot,

I felt like you didn't exist,

I didn't believe in you for a time.

She said:
"Do you remember that day

you were walking on the beach... "

I said:
"Yeah. "

She said:
"I was there. "

I said:
"There was just

one set of footprints though. "

She said:
"I was on your back... "

I tought I felt a heavy that day.

I thought it was water retention.

No, that when you're bloated...

I am there...

That comforts me...

I'm not gonna bore you with everything

we talked a lot of stuff...

she told me the meaning of life

and stuff like that... but anyway.

I was leaving,

I was walking out the door,

and I turned around

and I said:

God, I have to say

I am sorry.

I am so sorry

that we are killing all the animals.

I am so sorry that we are

chopping down all the trees.

I am sorry that we are filled

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes