Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning Page #5

---

cause his family wants

him to work on summer.

So anyway, he takes the hose

and he goes to spray the

manager right in the eye.

but that's when he is leaning down

to pick up the cottage cheese.

So he misses him and get the old woman

who's standing right behind him,

she's there picking an avocado,

cause the older you get the less you eat.

And all she wants is the avocado...

So she screams out:

My eye, I've been sprayed in the eye

with a produce hose.

That is when her nephew, who is

visiting from Austin, Texas...

is two aisles over picking out

tortilla chips...

cause he thinks they are gonna have

some guacamole.?it's one avocado.

and so he start running:

"I'll help you, aunt so-and-so!"

running and then, when he is running

down the aisle...

he slips on the water from the produce hose,

break his leg, breaks his arm,

bruises two ribs right there...

gets a stitch put into his cheekbone,

just one, but it's still a stitch

chaos breaks out...

it is all over the Hard Copy and

Entertainment Tonight, Access Holywood

Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot

I don't even want the cheese...

To me the key to being

fashionable...

and I've been interviewed on this

hunderets of times...

is standing out, but fitting in...

that is what it is..

You don't want to wear

st too wild...

that sb notices and

is kind of freaky, you know

but you also don't wanna wear some outfit

that someone could have exact

same thing on

when you show up at the party.

That's embarassing..

I don't know, if it has happened to you, but

it's happened to me twice...

Both times, it was William Shatner

and I'll tell you st...

I think, I look better in the tubed top

and I'll say it...

I don't know,

I dress kinda boring...

I don't care...

I don't go for the trendy stuff

I don't unders... sometimes I think,

the fashion designers are just trying to

see what they can get away with...

You know, they come up

with some of these things

and I am just looking at them

like I'm talking about the

sarong and sari

which is the same thing...

I think, and if not,

I am so wrong and so sorry, but...

There was a time,

there was the dressing room.

You could walk into a door,

there were a whole door...

and you could close to door

and you could try on clothes...

and cry... or whatever you do

in a dressing room...

But you had a door.

There is no door any longer...

You go to try and close 'em...

the door is just getting

higher and higher up...

and lower and lower down

You're trying to get undressed

behind a 2x4 back there...

People can the underwear going down

around your ankles...

I don't know about you,

but I always take my underwear off

no matter what I'm trying on.

Just a habit really...

That's so the salesperson

can get to you.

cause they couldn't before...

for the door, they'd just be

on the outside of the door:

"Can I get you anything, you need

anything, everything alright?"

"How is everything?

Can I get you anything?"

Now they can just poke their head in:

"Can I get you anything?"

"How is everything?

Everything alright?"

Rollin' upside down

on their little car mechanic?(car creeper).

I said, I would call you, Rachel,

I don't need anything.

Scoop...

Booa, they check on you a lot, don't they?

What could be going so wrong,

that they need to check

on you that often.

"MY BRA IS IN MY ASS!"

"RACHEL!"

I'd like to see how far

they'll go to help you,

if you tell them your bra

is in your ass.

"Oh my, it's in the ass?"

Do you need a different size or color

I don't know what to do...

about the bra in the ass..

I'll get the manager,

I don't know...

And they have taken the mirror

out of the dressing room.

So you are forced to walk out

to take a look at yourself.

So they get another crack at you,

to tell you, how you look.

Cause you don't have

opinions of your own.

That looks fabulous...

Really?

Yes, your ass looks fabulous...

That is how they get you.

They tell you, your ass looks good,

you are buying it.

That blouse, makes your ass

looks fabulous...

Is that your bra?

Well, it makes your ass look fabulous.

The ass is such an important

thing,

that we check out our asses

like crazy,

when we try on clothes...

?check out our ass,

our entire facial expression changes.

We make the ass face suddenly,

it is that kind of...

That's my asssssss...

And that's my ass that way...

I'm gonna walk away,

and that's my ass...

We don't make the ass face,

when we are at home...

naked, looking at ourselves

in the mirror...

Totally different face then...

?that there?

I am amazed by people, who are just

so comfortable with their nakedness...

it doesn't matter, what they look like...

they're just totally comfortable

being naked.

I love that...

I mean, I...

I admire that in p...

I think that people...

that are like the ones most compfortable

being naked...

are people, who videotape their sex...

You gotta be so confident

about your body...

videotaping your sex...

Because, no matter,

how much your partner loves you...

in the heat of everything,

stuff is moving so fast...

and going on, you know...

You're watching it back on video tape,

you're risking your partner going:

"I never saw that before!"

"Have you seen this on yourself

right there?"

I don't know, I just...

feel like...

People, who videotape their sex

there is only one of two reasons

that you're doing it cause,

either you are so egotistical...

you're looking at it together going:

"Look at us!"

We are hot!

Look at us, look at us...

Look at me, look at me...

Look at you, look at me again,

look, look, look...

Look at me, you

Or you are looking at it together

like football players

to try to improve

for the next time...

to get better, you know...

Alright, let's take a look right here,

shall we?

OK,here is what I'm talking about,

see how your elbow is up so high?

and your back is arched right there?

Not the best time to do it,

I think I'd hold on with that

until... THERE... that is

when you do it, right there.

And what's going on right here?

What's up?

What is happening right there? Huh?

I'll tell you:
nothing...

A lot of energy, a lot of energy...

Look at my face! Nothing going on!

You might wanna check in

once in a while.

I know I am biting my lip,

it's to keep from laughing.

Where did you come up

with that little techniq?

Did you make that up?

I thought so. Don't do it!

Don't cry! Come on!

This is how we learn...

Let's go, get back in there

and try again, come on!

What do you mean,

you are not in the mood?

I don't know, I don't understand

a lot of the stuff

that people are into.

But I do believe,

that everyone has the right

to do, whatever they wanna do

with their bodies.

If it makes you feel good,

do it.

It is your life...

It is your body...

Two contending adults...

I just don't understand a lot of it.

Like people who are into the

Mile High Club?

Wanting to have sex

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes