Endless Bummer Page #2

take our f***ing boards like it's nothing?

These are our boards, our property!

F*** them! F*** off-

All right, I'm here. Where's the fire?

Thank you.

Okay, um, can you fold these, please, and

then put them outside when you're done?

Only because I need you in my life.

Love you.

So, how's things?

- Oh, you know.

Same old together one day,

broken up the next, back together again.

On again, off again.

Sex one day, no sex the next.

It's nice to know

we have the same problems.

...their f***ing beating heart outta

their chest and show it to 'em.

Yeah, l- Uh, Anne?

I'm not f***ing around!

Yeah?

That boy's not good for business.

They just f***ed with Sparky,

and Sparky's gonna f*** 'em up.

That's just Sparky.

He breaks it, he buys it.

All day! Pretend this little f***in'

totem pole's their f***ing face!

Whoa.

Hey, J.D.

- Hey.

- Um, where's your board?

- It's gone.

Hey, J.D.

- Hey, Iris.

- How's your mom?

- She's in Vegas with her new boyfriend.

- Did you look up and down the beach?

- Of course! Aw, please.

- Come on.

- Well, wait. Maybe the tide took it out, dude.

- How many times a year do I go out?

- A lot.

- And how many times have I lost my board?

- A lot.

And how many times have I swum in to

get it? As many times as you lost it.

Right. And how many times was

it right there waiting for me?

Yeah.

Every time.

- Exactly, dude.

Every time,

except this f***ing time.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did anyone

hear about Reagan bombing Russia?

What? Reagan's bombing Russia.

I heard it on the radio this morning.

Shh. You're that stoned that Reagan is

talking to you personally through a radio?

No, no.

I'm not that stoned.

I'm... that stoned.

Dude, me too.

Let's get more stoned.

What am I gonna do, man?

F***.

This is a symbol for all that's

sacred to our way of life.

So, what?

Is something sacred to your way of life?

Wake up.

A surfboard is the most

sacred thing to our way of life.

It's - It's your girlfriend,

your car and your dick, all in one.

Guys, he's, like,

a Mexican Jesus.

So, uh, Jesus,

what do we do?

We do what we do whenever

we don't know what to do.

Oh, no! It's alive!

Party at the Shelburn house

again, Anne?

Come on. We gotta meet some new people.

Withering away over here.

Oh, God, Iris, please. Shut up.

- Have some fun. Lighten up. I want to have fun.

I really do.

Okay, then have fun.

Okay, who's gonna be there?

Well, who do you think?

J.D., Lardo,

the Yard guys,

Mike Moke,

um, James, Bernard-

What? What is your problem?

- I just... Well, look.

I wanna meet some guys who are

into the same things I'm into.

Um, Iris, boyfriends aren't

into poetry, painting and art.

Just have some fun,

for me, please? Please?

Yeah, for you. It's easy for you to say.

You've got sunshine boy out there.

Yeah, that's not

that easy.

Know what? First chance I get,

I'm getting outta here.

I'm going to New York

and I'm gonna be an artist.

You know, I don't care about

being rich or famous, dude.

I just wanna work

and keep my edge.

Your edge?

- Yeah. My edge.

And when I do get a boyfriend, he'll be

into poetry, painting and art. You watch.

Um, news flash, Iris.

- Hmm?

Boyfriends who are into all that

already have boyfriends of their own.

Crap.

I got an idea.

Oh, really? What?

Let's flash Sparky.

Okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

- One, two, three.

What the hell

is wrong with you?

All right, J.D.,

All right, J.D.,

tell me the story

in excruciating detail.

All right, so,

I was out on my board,

and then, like, all

of a sudden out of nowhere,

this, like, perfect wave

just comes at me.

So I paddle into it, right?

And I get up, and I lay down,

like, this sweet bottom turn,

and then, like,

I was right there, yeah.

I'm right there, and the wave just

starts throwing its lip over me,

just, like, throwing it

over me like that.

It was, like, the most

beautiful feeling of my life.

And what happened

after that, man?

Uh... Come on, man.

You had to see something, bro.

Yeah, uh, I'm lookin'

around, and...

And I see Del.

Yeah, man. The first person

I saw on the beach was Del.

Del. Hey, Del.

Oh. Hey, guys.

What's up?

Hey. Hey, hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Del, uh, listen.

Do you remember seeing me this morning?

Sure. It was about 8:57,

close to 9:
00.

I tell time by the sun, and I usually

get it right within a minute or two.

All right, well, look, my surfboard

got stolen. Did you see anything?

Yeah.

- Did you see... anything?

What do you mean,

the souther?

He was drivin' a Datsun 280Z.

It was orange.

- Do you remember anything else?

Dudes, you can't get the right answers in

life unless you ask the right questions.

Whoa.

"2QAM574."

Uh...

So, what is

the right question?

I don't know.

Really, J.D., if I could find

the guy who did this to you,

I would kill him!

No. You know what?

I wouldn't just kill him.

I'd beat his ass first,

and then I would kill him.

No. You know what?

I'd kick his ass and kill him,

but first, I'd steal his board

so he knew what it felt like.

Shut up, stupid. Why would he steal

J.D.'s board if he already had one?

What?

- If he had a board to steal, I mean.

I'd steal that one.

- Wait. What?

Which one would you...

steal?

I'd steal 'em both, dude.

- Yeah.

I'm a badass.

Okay, so how are we gonna find this guy?

Oh, she said something about

that souther in the Datsun, yeah?

Yeah, right. The orange 280Z, huh?

- Yeah.

You stupid blind f***er!

Oh, f***.

Here we go again.

What-

What, Sparky?

What, Sparky?

What's wrong?

What? I saw a guy

driving an orange 280Z,

but I didn't think that anyone

would f***in' steal a board,

so I didn't even get

a good look at him!

Dude, relax!

- What?

F*** you. I'm not gonna relax.

You're just remembering this now?

I'm gonna f***in' kill this guy after I kill you.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Who, the souther?

- Yeah, man.

He was driving around

in this sleazy,

f***in' "pick up some p*ssy"

Valley boy car...

with the board hanging

out the back, dude.

Green and yellow, right?

- Yeah?

Yeah? Well, how do you know

he was a souther?

Dude, he had a f***in'

typical Ken doll haircut.

Total valley boy

faggy-ass sh*t,

and... the f***er

had pants.

Like slacks.

Pants?

- Pants?

Uh-oh.

Hey, guys,

uh, look who it is.

It's red bikini girl.

Red bikini girl.

Coming straight for you.

Check it out.

Mm-hmm.

What I wouldn't do to nib

on one of those nips.

Dude, what I wouldn't do to

suck on both of those nipples.

A little bit of booty

never hurt nobody.

Your mom home,

Sparky?

Maybe we should go in

and say hi.

Yeah, I don't know.

- Is she okay?

- Yeah.

Sh*t.

- What?

I'm supposed to meet this kid today,

and I'm selling him my skateboard.

You're selling

your skateboard?

Yeah, they're gonna shut off our

electric if we don't pay the bill.

- Seriously, bro?

- How much?

Sixteen dollars.

- Don't sweat it, dude.

Uh, we have to figure out this...

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