Envy Page #6

- [cracking]

- [Debbie groans]

My God, honey.

What time is it?

lt's okay.

Go back to sleep.

Yeah?

Did you solve the problem?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Actually...

l think l did.

[Tim] ~ Gonna be a bright

Bright sunshiny day

Whoo!

~ Gonna be a bright

Bright sunshiny day

[phone rings]

- [whistling]

- [Debbie] Timmy! Telephone!

[melodic dog bark doorbell]

[melodic dog bark doorbell]

Good morning, Mr. Tim.

l must say...

you're looking fit as a fiddle

this morning, Mr. Tim.

Thanks.

l hear Mr. Nick wants to see me.

Yes, l know.

He's running in the woods.

l talked to the guys over at 3M.

l know you got canned.

You've met Pete, right?

My trainer.

Don't feel funny around Pete.

l got no secrets from Pete.

- Do l, Pete?

- l don't think so.

So here's the deal:

Buddy boy...

that my little hearty

hi-ho Silver routine

affected you like that,

all l can say is, l am such a jerk.

But it's the best thing

that ever happened,

because now l'll go kick ass in Rome.

And guess what?

You, you unemployed bum,

you'll come kick ass with me.

l want us to be partners.

l want us to be equal again, man.

Why not? l mean, for crying out loud,

l've got a Pete.

Why shouldn't you have a Pete?

Who wouldn't like having a Pete?

So this is the deal.

From now on, you and me, 50l50.

- 50l50?

- That's right. 50l50.

l'll talk to my lawyer. Why didn't

l think of it sooner? lt's awesome!

Get the hell out of here,

the limo leaves in an hour and a half!

Buddy boy! Let's go, buddy boy!

All right. Come on. Now, pump it up.

l want full cardio blast now.

- Let's go.

- Don't be shy.

There you go.

No, keep going! Keep it there!

Crampers.

- You all right?

- Crampers.

l don't know, honey.

Do you want to do this?

l mean, do we want to be part

of the sh*t industry?

What about the heart of the heart

of the heart of the heart?

l don't think this conflicts with that.

l mean, you know, there's...

lt's a lot of money and the heart

of the heart, and they're both...

Still have the heart

with a lot of money.

- l think. You know.

- You know what l think?

l think l know what we should do.

We should just try it.

- Try it!

- Yes.

- Try it.

- Try it.

Try it.

- Try it. See how it feels.

- Try it.

[both giggling]

Oh, my God, l can't believe it!

- Bye, Daddy.

- We'll miss you.

- We miss you already.

- l'll be home soon.

[continue shouting]

Good to see you, captain.

You know what l was thinking?

We should target zoos.

Thank you, Denise. Zoos?

Yeah, zoos. l mean, come on,

they're full of poop.

l popped on the lnternet

just before we got on the plane.

Did you know that an elephant goes,

like 1 00 pounds a day?

Times that by seven, that's 700 pounds

of dung a week for one elephant.

There's got to be thousands of zoos

in the world.

That is really very good. Zoos.

- l got another one for you.

- [Nick] Yeah?

Travel industry.

We get into the travel industry.

l'm talking about little

travel-size Vapoorize.

You mean,

like the cute little shampoo bottles?

- Exactly.

- My God, that's so simple and awesome!

You're on a trip.

You're walking through Venice.

You step in some dog doo.

So, what do you do?

- You take out a travel-size Vapoorize.

- That's it!

A little Velcro holster

you put on your belt.

Right next to your cell phone,

your pager, your Vapoorize.

You can walk the dog handsfree

and not worry about the Vapoorize.

l love a holster.

- Accessorize with Vapoorize.

- Hold on.

Hold on. Let me take it from here.

~ You're walkin' along

~ A-doodley doo

~ All of a sudden

You stepped in poo!

~ You don't know what to do

- What do you do?

- l don't know what to do.

[imitates drum]

~ Vapoorize, Vapoorize

- ~ Mountain-scented Vapoorize

- ~ doogah-doogah-doogah Vapoorize

- What is the doogah?

- l thought there would be drums.

- What is the doogah?

- l thought there would be drums.

~ [Can't Help Myself plays in Italian]

[Nick] Come on. Look at this place.

Go check out your bedroom.

Whoo!

Wow.

[cheering]

[gasping]

[speaks ltalian]

[lambs bleating]

[Nick] Vapoorize.

[gasping]

[laughing]

[Vapoorize commercial in ltalian]

Shopping.

Gucci.

Here.

[Tim] This'll look great in the yard

next to the bug tent.

Definitely. We'll take it.

lt's great. Pay the man.

[Nick] lt makes the whole house.

lt makes the yard. With the sound.

With the sound. lt's ridiculous,

but that's what l love about it.

l like this.

...with the Dow off 1 1 and

the NASDAQ up five and a half.

A rather sluggish day on Wall Street.

On the international front, investors

are watching Vanderpark Enterprises.

CEO, Nicholas Vanderpark and newly

appointed partner, Tim Dingman...

arrive in Italy to introduce to Europe

their complete line of fecal-removing

product that's been so successful here.

The American entrepreneurs

have reason to be hopeful.

They were greeted with great enthusiasm

everywhere and fanfare.

Later, they'll be feted at a banquet

to be held in the presidential palace.

[speaking in ltalian]

He says, ''l noticed

when we climbed into the tub

''our three penises were quite similar

in size and bulk.''

[continues in ltalian]

He say, ''And l thought to myself,

'''Good. Good.'''

Envy is a funny, funny thing.

[in ltalian]

He says, ''l remember when

l was a teenager,

''my friend Armando and l spent

the summer in New York.

''A sweet time of life.''

[in ltalian]

The minister, he says,

''l must tell you, my friend Armando

had a hog like a freight train.''

[interpreter] What a hog.

[in ltalian]

He says,

''And l must tell you secretly,

''Armando's freight-train-sized manhood

''made me, with a regular-size one,

quite miserable.''

''Not all the time miserable,

of course, but sometimes.''

[all laughing]

- [phone rings]

- [in ltalian]

[interpreter] This call has been

transferred to you.

Thank you.

Hello?

Turbo Everyman, my ass.

[J-Man] Where do you get off at?

I bought you drinks.

You vacation in my bungalow

and now you go jump ship.

Screw Robin Hood, you hear me?

Screw the Merry Men.

You're a stinko pinko.

Turncoat!

Here's what l do, Mr. Traitor.

Remember Lester? He pumped our gas

when we moved the sofa.

Not a tooth in his head, nice fella.

- Remember him now?

- l do. Yes.

Good. For $50,000

Lester keeps thinking it's a sofa.

And me and him don't spill the beans

to your hoity-toity pal

across the street.

Let's be very clear on this:

l want $50,000...

or l tell your friend

you killed his horse.

Debbie? Deb, l'm home.

Sweetheart, l've been liposucked.

Can you tell? Can you?

Does it look good?

Dr. Weitzman is supposed to be a genius

and it didn't even really hurt.

And that is not all.

Come. l am so excited.

Here's a little gift l bought for us.

[Debbie] A little 50l50 surprise.

- My big international partner.

- Debbie.

- Let's do it on the laundry.

- Where are the kids?!

At Mother's, honey. lt's just us.

Come lie on the warm pile.

lt's all clean out of the dryer.

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