Envy Page #7

l will lie with you

after l tell you something important.

l got drunk and by mistake killed Corky.

l buried him in the swimming pool hole.

The pool guy,

he's actually some bum l met at a bar.

[Natalie] Nick? Where does it go?

- [Nick] What?

- [Natalie] The sh*t.

- Where does the sh*t go?

- [Nick] Up.

Up is not good enough.

You'll have to do better than up.

- [Nick] Up... and out.

- [Natalie] Out where?!

[Nick] Up and out. Out. Up and out.

- [Natalie] Up and out?

- [Nick] Up and out.

The bum wants $50,000

or he'll tell Nick.

- Then we won't get a chance to be rich.

- [timer buzzes]

[teary] Oh, my God.

Yes!

Go and pay the bum.

- Go pay the bum now.

- Go pay the bum?!

- Honey, l love you.

- l love you too.

- Bye.

- Oh!

What?

You don't know this guy.

He's not like other people, he's...

What if we pay him

and then he wants more?

Then we will give him more.

What if he wants more again?!

We'll give him more money because

we'll have enough money to give him.

But it'll never end with him.

He'll be in our lives forever.

Tim, if he tells Nick,

it'll all be over.

You know, what else can we do?

We fess up.

- Fess up?

- Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no. We fess up.

We fess up. We tell Nick.

We go and ask for forgiveness.

- Forgiveness?

- Yes.

- Honey, you killed his horse!

- l'm telling him everything.

No, sweetheart! Please.

Please don't do it to me.

l love my car in the garage.

lt's got heated seats.

And l've got shoes. l've got bags.

- [Nick] Knock, knock.

- Clothes.

Oh, my God, l'm sorry.

Look at you two.

God, l'm so envious of you!

You've got to give Natalie a talk.

She's locked herself in the bathroom

and l want what you have so bad!

- l want some of that!

- Okay.

[whispering] Shh! Don't say a word.

Not a word. Not a word. Okay?

[Natalie] Everywhere l go,

they yell, ''Where does the sh*t go?''

And we don't know!

What if my opponent's right?

- What if we are polluting?

- [Debbie] Natalie...

the only thing this guy Shaunessey's

got going for him is your own guilt.

Guilt that you're wealthy.

You know what, we're partners now

and we have money too.

You know what we'll do with ours?

We're going to sponsor the biggest rally

for you that this town has ever seen.

[Debbie] Then we'll throw out

this challenge:

We'll say that if anyone can say

that Vapoorize does damage to anything,

then Natalie Vanderpark will cease

to be a candidate.

May l suggest

we put on our dancing shoes?

[Debbie squeals]

[Nick] Honey! l love you.

[J-Man] So how was the flight?

Was it enjoyable?

Yeah, it was fine. lt was very smooth.

Everything went fine.

Here's what l got to tell you.

We'll pay you the money, okay?

We got it all worked out.

That is sensational news,

my little gypsy roving friend.

But l've revised my thinking

about the $50,000 grand thing.

l can't accept that.

l mean, what are we, animals?

- What? No, we're not animals.

- No, of course not.

What we are is pals.

You slept in my bunk.

l ate some of your crackers.

We sang in the rain.

~ Valderi

~ Valdera

~ Valderi

~ Valdera ha ha ha...

Okay.

~ My knapsack on my back

- Yes, l remember.

- That's when we were buddies.

Last week? Yeah. l remember.

So, what l'm saying is to hell

with the flat cash payout.

l say let's be partners.

- Partners?

- Why not?

- What do you mean ''partners''?

- You, me...

your other so-called friend

in a cozy little triumvirate.

Am l using the word correctly?

Listen to me. We're not partners, okay?

How can we be partners?

We'll iron out the details

when l come over later.

- No.

- This evening. Who knows exactly when.

- You're not coming over here.

- Yes.

And don't you worry, buddy partner.

l'll smooth out the rough parts.

- You want to talk? Where are you?

- I'm coming over.

- You're not coming over.

- Don't you worry, buddy roll.

We'll put pen to paper. Bye-bye.

- Listen to me.

- Bye-bye.

There are no rough parts to smooth...

What? Hello?

[dial tone]

Oh, God.

All right. l got to tell Nick.

l'm just going to tell him.

~ [uptempo salsa music]

[Nick and Natalie whooping]

Come on, honey.

Start with your hips.

[Natalie] Come on.

[Nick] Whoo!

[nanny] Mr. Vanderpark!

Mr. Vanderpark!

[nanny] Mr. Vanderpark!

Mr. Vanderpark!

- The merry-go-round is acting up again.

- [Nellie crying]

[music halts]

l hate that thing. l hate it.

Timmy, l'm sorry,

we got to deal with it.

~ [sped-up music]

[Tim] Nick, l gotta talk to you.

l did something really stupid.

You won't believe what happened.

The stupidest, most ridiculous thing.

That wife of yours was incredible.

But l don't care how much money

we make, don't buy one of these.

lt's junk.

lt just keeps speeding up for no reason.

- Nick, l got to talk to you.

- And the onloff button's in the middle!

- [Tim] l did a horrible thing.

- [Nick] The thing's in the middle.

- Here goes. All right, come on.

- Nick!

[yelling]

- [Nick yells]

- Nick!

[moaning]

[terrified cries]

- Hang on!

- l can't hold on much longer!

[screaming]

- [thudding]

- [gasping]

- Nick, are you okay?

- Ribs.

[grimacing] Yeah. No, l'm fine.

Goddamned...

Bastard, b*tch merry-go-round.

Stupid merry-go-round!

- l got to talk to you.

- Stupid, crappy, stupid thing.

l've been feeling guilty

for a long time.

- lt's impossible to turn it off.

- l did something really stupid.

- l hate you, merry-go-round.

- Where's the switch?

lt's in the middle of the thing.

lt's impossible to turn off.

- Where's the button?

- ln the middle.

l'll turn it off, then we'll talk.

l'll get it.

[screaming]

- Whoa!

- [screaming] Ow!

Oh! Oh! Timmy.

Man, are you all right?

Let me help you up there.

Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.

Come on, buddy. All right.

- You okay? Yeah?

- Yeah.

lt knocked the wind out of you.

You went flying off of that thing.

Now, listen. l don't want to let this

ruin our jolly feeling.

Let's go back in there

and talk about this fantastic rally.

- No, Nick. You see this bow and arrow?

- Yeah.

- [Tim] One night...

- Yeah?

One night...

l'm so ashamed of this.

But one night...

- [explosion]

- [screaming]

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, man!

- l told you it was a piece of junk!

- l'm glad we weren't on it.

- What?

- l'm glad we weren't on it.

- l can't hear. Are your ears ringing?

- No.

Boy, mine are. What was it

you were saying, my fine friend?

What l was saying is that one night

l got drunk. All right?

Being drunk had nothing to do with it.

l can't even explain it.

Wait, you know what?

l'm thinking it's just one ear.

l hear you way better

when l turn like this. Talk to me.

That night l got drunk and

l was aiming this arrow at my house.

No, it's both ears.

What are you doing?

l'm trying to tell you.

l pulled it back, l aimed at the house,

l did this.

[Natalie] Nick, Nathan and Nellie

want you to kiss their boo-boos.

Wait, l heard that. l'm coming!

That was not a smart thing to do.

- l know!

- Come on.

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