Ernest Goes to Camp Page #2

He comes from a long line

of troublemakers.

It's a family tradition.

I've got a reputation

to uphold.

And the Albert Einstein

of this institution,

Chip O zgood.

Butch "Too Cool" Vargas.

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, Moose!

Hurry up, man!

It's Moustafa,

the runt of the litter.

I told you...

it's dangerous to run

with things in your mouth.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

Uh, well, uh, all aboard

that's goin' ashore.

Here we go...

life in the fast lane.

Whoa. Nice bus.

Does it run?

Boy, we're gonna have

a great time this summer.

We got boating

and, uh, campin'

and swimmin'

and Indian Lore,

and I've got everything

fixed up for you, too.

Guess who!

[Laughter]

Uh, let's see.

Uh, Bobby?

- No, no.

- No.

- No.

Uh, um, not Moose.

It's not Ozgood.

Now, don't tell me, really.

Really, I'm really good at this.

I really am.

[Engine revving]

- Let's see...

- Turn left, Ernest!

[Horn blares]

[Tires screech]

Uh, Vargas.

No!

No? Okay.

Hey, guys, when

the new campers get here,

let's give 'em a big

Kamp Kikakee welcome, okay?!

Oh, the leader's

the biggest geek of them all.

Not Crutchfield.

Crutchfield! That's it!

[Laughter]

I knew it was Crutchfield

all along.

Ernest!

[Brakes squeak, glass breaks]

[Hinges squeak, thud]

[Laughter]

What happened?

Ernest wasn't watching

the road.

All right, you guys move out.

This ain't a pleasure cruise.

[Laughter]

[Grunts]

Come on. Move.

You guys, line up.

Frankly, I'm disappointed

in you, Ernest.

I give you

a simple task to do,

and this is what I get.

I don't know how

you can ever expect

to be a counselor.

You're right,

Mr. Tipton.

He's just not

counselor material.

[Coughs]

Uh, Mist... it's...

it's not my fault.

All right, let's go.

I was... [Coughs]

I mean I was...

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Mr. Tipton.

I'll try to do better.

[Sighs]

Gosh.

Let's go.

Keep it moving.

[Birds chirping]

[Exhales deeply]

Well, this is it...

your home away from prison.

Stennis, the delinquents

you ordered...

all yours.

Have fun, guys.

The name's Stennis...

Counselor Stennis to you.

Let's go. Move it.

Inside.

All right,

get this place cleaned up.

Mess hall, 10 minutes.

What a dump!

[Indistinct conversations]

[All talking]

[Talking subsides]

Here comes the riffraff.

Looks like

"Project:
Last Chance" to me.

Come on, gang.

Follow me.

Well, well.

Looks like daddy's little

gentlemen are glad to see us.

Yeah, if white bread

could talk, it'd fit

in right here.

There's a lot of love

in this room.

I can feel it,

and it's a beautiful thing.

Yeah. I'm moved.

[Liquid bubbling]

Hi, fellas.

Boy, do I have

something special prepared

for your first day at camp.

- [Fly buzzing]

- Hey, what is this stuff?

Oh, it's sugar puffs

with a gravy casserole

with just a cuwcah

of bologna-walnut fudge

in a pork marinade.

I think it'll be

a real boost for the fiber

of American youth.

Isn't it, Jake?

Why, of course it is.

Doesn't smell too bad.

[Buzzing continues]

Yeah, that's the guy

who once ate two pounds

of modeling clay.

Modeling clay!

Yellow modeling clay!

That's the secret ingredient

to eggs erroneous.

We re-fuse the proteins

like bullion.

Of course it would!

Uh, get back to work!

Modeling clay...

Modeling clay.

[Indistinct conversations]

Ugh!

Oh! Ho ho!

Did the little fellow

fall down and go boom?

Looks like he needs

special classes in walking.

Hey, dipstick, you ever

pick on anybody your own size,

or just little kids?

Hey, can I help it

if the kid can't walk?

It was an accident.

Accident, huh?

Well... whoops!

What do you know?

Another accident!

There must be something

going around.

[Laughter]

Ugh!

[All shouting indistinctly]

[Shouting continues]

Stop it!

Stop it!

[Shouting stops]

What do you think

you're doing?

- This!

- This!

[Shouting resumes]

[Thud]

[Shouting stops]

[Grunting]

Oh, my God.

He can't breathe!

Well, let's do something.

Come on.

[Mumbling]

Come on, guys! I got him!

I got him! Guys, I got him!

Back up!

Hold steady, now!

[Mumbling]

[Thud]

[Grunts]

[Thud]

[Thud, Ernest groans]

[Rubble falling]

This ditch has got to go

all the way to the waterfront,

gentlemen.

Maybe by then some of the fight

will be out of your system.

Man, this isn't fair.

They started it.

Yeah, man!

They tripped Moose!

You boys have got to learn...

if you play... you pay.

Hey, don't work

too hard, fellas.

Yeah, life's a ditch,

guys.

Can you dig it?

I just want one clean shot

at blondie.

[Grunting]

Now, Eddie, if you don't

stir it, it'll clot on ya.

[Sniffs]

Something burnin'

Here. Look what we got

for ya.

E-e-w.

Look at that.

Jake's specialty du jour...

eggs erroneous.

It's made with powdered eggs

and 17 herbs and spices

smuggled into this country

by Tibetan monks.

Ernest, I want you to cut

yourself a big knock

out of

these eggs erroneous.

No, I-I can't eat

on an empty stomach.

Why,

of course you can.

Eddie does, and look at

that rosy glow to his teeth.

[Bell dings]

No.

- Oh, come on, now.

- No.

Now, Ernest, would

somebody dressed like this

lie to you about food?

Fond as I am

of Tibetan cooking,

a hungry lion hunts best,

know what I mean?

Now, come on.

Take you a little bite.

No.

- Come on, now.

- No.

- Open big.

- No.

- Come on.

- No.

- Ernest...

- No!

- Ernest...

- No!

- Ernest!

- No!

Eddie!

It's time for the plane

to go to hangar.

[Liquid bubbling]

Ow!

[lmitating

sputtering engine]

[Engine roars]

[Mumbling]

A rabbit, Jake!

We could use a rabbit!

Rabbit!

That's it! A rabbit!

A big, fat rabbit

with all of its shots!

[Gagging]

[Humming]

[Vomiting]

Hey, you boys got a look

all your own.

- Who-oa!

- Should've been ready.

You snooze, you lose.

[Grunts, laughs]

You just watch it!

I'll get you!

Whoa!

Whoo!

Whoa!

[Laughter]

Whoo-hoo!

[Boys cheering]

Whoa!

All right.

Everybody to the line.

[Diving board rattling]

Okay,

everybody in the water.

Wow, this is great!

Come on, Moose!

Moose-tafa... Moose...

whatever they call you...

now.

So... you're the only one

that can't swim, eh?

[Boys shouting]

No... please.

Well, you're gonna learn...

the Stennis way.

No!

[Crying] No!

I can't swim!

Help!

Somebody help!

[Thud]

Help!

[Coughing]

Thanks, Ernest.

I could've made it.

Glad to help out.

Well, meatheads,

we're gonna try this again.

This time it's to the end

of the lake and back.

Look.

Everybody in the water.

[All grunting]

Whoa!

Yeah!

[Laughter]

My leg.

My l... [Coughs]

He's learning to swim

the Stennis way.

[Laughter]

[Coughs]

My leg! Aah!

[Crickets chirp]

It's a shame about

Counselor Stennis' accident.

It was no accident.

I don't know

what to do.

I mean, it's important to make

the experiment work.

Send 'em back!

Get 'em out of here!

These guys have no respect

for anything.

The main problem is we're

already short-handed.

What we need is

another counselor.

Hey...

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