Ernest Goes to Camp Page #3

I got an idea.

Ernest, uh,

have you ever had

any group-leadership

experience?

Uh, I had

an ant farm once.

Close enough.

How would you like to be

a counselor?

Are you kiddin'

Y-You mean a-a real counselor?

A counselor like you guys,

a counselor?

Just like us, Ernest.

Uh, oh, Mr. Tipton, uh,

that's great.

And... and I'll do

a great job... a great job...

and I'll do

my regular work, too.

Oh, I can't believe it's

true... me, a counselor.

Oh, a-a real counselor.

I can't believe it.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Tipton.

Thank you,

thank you, thank you.

A real counselor...

a really, really real, real,

really, really, really,

real counselor.

Thank you, Mr. Tipton.

Thank you. [Smooches]

[Metal rattling]

As your counselor,

I will be taking you

deep into the forest

in search of actual nature.

We'll be traveling fast,

moving light, keeping our ears

to the grindstone.

So stay together,

be remindful of the weather,

and, for Heaven's sakes,

don't pick it,

or it will never heal.

[Metal rattling]

This guy looks like

a walking army-surplus store.

The Salvation Army.

I feel like the blind

are leading the stupid.

What a loser.

[Birds and crickets

chirping]

Hey, Rambo,

where are we goin'

Maybe he knows

a shortcut.

Maybe we're lost.

What is this,

"Wild Kingdom"?

Ernest:

Yeah, boys, isn't it great

to get off the beaten path,

get out where nature

really lives?

None of that theme-park stuff

here, know what I mean?

Come on, Ernest.

You're gonna get us lost.

Well, we were lost

for weeks in Nam.

I was under fire,

my body riddled with shrapnel,

malaria, mono...

wet socks.

So... how do we get out

of here?

Yeah, we were...

we were rough, tough,

and hard to bluff.

Men of iron,

men who had never

tasted quiche.

Really?

Well, you couldn't even

get quiche in nam.

Gosh, Ernest, I guess

you've done about everything.

Some men try,

and some men die.

[Snaps fingers]

Hey.

[Rumbling, explosions]

He's waitin' on you.

Mr. Blatz... Mr. Blatz?

It looks like we're making

progress, sir.

This sample is

over 20% petrocite.

20%.

Well, this little expedition

may be worth something yet.

Talk to me, George.

Well, Mr. Blatz,

I've been studying the results

of the exploratories,

and the big hit is right here

at Kamp Kikakee.

[Beep]

Man:

Blatz here yet?

[Exhales deeply]

Did you get it?

No.

I couldn't get

the old Indian to budge.

Sherman,

he might as well be

on another planet.

I don't want

your excuses.

I want results.

All right, Sherman,

I'll give it another try.

Do I have to remind you,

Mr. Blatz,

just how valuable petrocite

is to the space program

and every other defense

contractor in the world?

What we're

talking about here

is the largest deposit

ever found.

There are millions

at stake here...

so why don't you

get your tight, little

lawyer's butt

over to the camp

and get me that lease?

Learning to make a fire

without matches and gasoline

is essential.

[Birds chirping]

You need to know

the basic physics of friction.

It's a simple rule

of nature.

You know, you can make

a fire this way.

Boy, is it painful.

Ow!

[Leaves rustling,

metal rattling]

Do you believe

this guy?

Boys, look!

A family of badgers.

Just as I promised you...

actual nature.

El Badgerus Maximus Ferocius

with young.

The young look just like

the regular badgers,

only smaller.

Now, here's a lesson

to be learned...

although they look cute

and cuddly,

don't ever, ever do this

to a family of badgers.

Aba daba daba daba

daba daba daba!

Aaaaah!

[Badgers growling, chomping]

[Ernest screaming]

All right!

Time to practice first aid!

- Hey, yeah, let's go!

Come on!

- Yeah!

[Muffled voice]

This is a real nice

field dressing, fellas,

but I can't breathe.

[Muffled laughter]

W-What's that, Ernest?

I-I can't hear you.

You've got gauze

in your mouth.

I said I can't breathe!

Get me out of here, fast!

D-Did you say fast?

Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.

- [Laughter]

Okay, no... no problem.

We'll have you

out of there in a jiffy.

[Birds chirping]

[Keys jingle,

engine turns over]

Just stick tight.

We'll be out of there.

Just hold on.

[Engine revs]

Mnh! Mnh!

Mnh! Mnh!

[Muffled shouting]

[Shouting continues]

Ahhh.

[Groans]

[Thud]

What happened?

Uh, Ernest was teaching us

first aid.

Well... at least

nobody was hurt.

[Ernest groans]

Look, Miss St. Cloud,

how can I convince you here?

This is the chance of a lifetime

for you and your grandfather.

Now, he will receive 5%...

5% royalty, chief...

on every ounce of petrocite

that Krader Mining

pulls from the ground.

Now, we're talking

a lot of money here...

well over a million dollars

in just the first year.

All right,

I'll try again...

Thank you.

But I know my grandfather.

You will have great wealth

if you let these men

own the land.

[Speaking

native language]

He says,

"Who can own a tree?

"Who can own a rock?

Only the great spirit."

[Birds chirping]

Mr. Blatz,

this camp is here

because these were

ancient ceremonial grounds.

My grandfather and I are

the last members of our tribe.

This is part

of a sacred trust.

My grandfather thinks

of those boys as young braves

who keep alive the tradition

of our ancestors.

[Inhales deeply]

[Briefcase clicks]

I'm sorry to hear that,

Miss St. Cloud...

...but have a nice day.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, Bobby Wayne,

let's see that.

Now, that is a real beauty.

[Click]

Let your old buddy Ernest

show you how to put

a razor edge on that dog.

How 'bout it?

First, you wet the stone.

[Slurps]

Ech!

That's the hard part.

[Smacks lips]

Then you hold the knife

at a perfect 45-degree angle

and run it briskly

down the stone...

[Metal scrapes]

And through the meat

of the hand.

There you go, razor sharp.

Ah heh heh heh heh.

Is that a rabbit

over there?

- First aid?

- First aid.

[Engine rumbling]

Eddie, the way I've got

this figured is...

the new liver-loaf

lunch arranger

can feed the entire camp

in... in two minutes.

l-lt slices, it dices,

it juliennes...

and it teaches respect!

Yes, Jake, the liver-loaf

lunch arranger

has taken us

one step closer

to the elusive

eggs erroneous.

Ready, Eddie?!

Lobster bisque!

Lobster bisque, here!

Ready, ready!

[High-pitched voice] No, no,

not the lobster bisque!

[Normal voice]

Oh, you don't want to go

in the liver-loaf arranger?

[High-pitched voice] No!

[Normal voice] Okay,

I won't put you in there then.

Get outta here!

You and your sappy

friend, too.

[High-pitched voice]

No, no!

Ah ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha!

I love crustaceans, Jake.

Put him in.

All right, got it, Jake.

Got it.

Elevate, elevate!

Pretty good, Jake.

Chicken potpie!

Chicken...

[Clucking]

Pot...

Pie!

Chicken potpie, Jake.

Comin' your way, Eddie!

Rockin' fire!

Shoot it, baby!

Shoot it!

Ah ha ha!

[Motor whirring]

I want you to go long

this time, Eddie.

Ready, Jake!

And now for

Fettuccine Alfredo.

Fettuccine Alfredo, Jake.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes