Ernest Goes to Camp Page #4

First, the fettuccine...

And then a little Italian

named Fredo.

[Italian accent]

No, mmma mia!

Not in the liver-loaf

arranger!

[Normal voice]

Of course in there.

Let 'er rip, Jake.

[Motor whirring]

All right! Yeah!

Ech!

[Air hissing]

[Groaning]

[Crickets chirp]

[Straining]

Uhh!

[Breathing heavily]

[Jet engine blasts, roars]

[Whistling]

Aah!

Ah heh heh heh

heh heh heh.

[Sizzling]

Owwwww!

[Gasps] Ugh!

[Metal clanks]

- [Sizzling]

- Oww!

[Chips clinking]

It's all right.

Yeah,

it's okay here...

compared to

the institute.

Yeah. I sort of like

actual nature.

Full boat...

ladies and cowboys.

Aw, man!

That's it for me.

What are y'all doin', huh?

Ahh, poker.

It looks like I'm gonna

have to teach you

a little lesson in gaming.

Put on the eggs, mama,

'cause daddy's gonna

bring home the bacon,

know what I mean?

Oh, sure, Ernest.

Hey, deal him in, Oz.

Come on over here,

good luck.

Yeah, I remember once

I was playing dollar ante

with a bunch of roughnecks

from down around

the oil fields of Delacroix.

We were playing

5-card Mexican Gorilla Sweat,

deuces and treses wild,

and, boys, I was catching cards

like I had 12 fingers,

know what I mean?

[Chips clinking]

I get paid on Fridays.

I could let you have

$30 a week.

That means I'd be paid up

in 14 years...

and a couple of months.

Ohh.

[Engine rumbling]

Site four's got to be

cleared tonight,

and they're still in there!

Listen to me! There are

such things as laws.

There are proper channels.

You can't just go into

somebody's house and take...

Hey...

What are you doing here?

They're still in there!

Sherman, can we not give

this family

just a little more time?

Do they have any

legal right to be there?

Technically... no.

Then get rid of them.

Thank you.

This house is the last thing

in our way.

[Woman and girl crying]

I'll tell you, you ain't

gonna take our home.

I don't care

what the paper says.

Woman:
No! No!

- Get outta here!

- I'm out!

Get out of here now!

Now, why don't you give me

some more of your excuses

as to why you don't have

that lease for Kamp Kikakee?!

[Door closes,

engine turns over]

[Crying continues]

Boy, the guys

are gonna love this.

Am I a genius or what?

[Metal clanking]

[Fire crackling]

[Engine turns over, rumbles]

[Squeaking]

[Whistling melodically]

[Engine stops]

[Engine starts]

Heh heh heh heh heh.

[Squeaking]

[Creaking]

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

Ohh! No, no, No-o-o-o!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Aaah! Aaah!

[Engine stops]

Ah heh heh heh

heh heh heh.

[Engine starts]

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ow! Ooh!

[Air hisses]

Ahhh. Ahhh.

Uh!

[Mud sloshing]

Uh! Uh-uh-uh!

[Indistinct conversations]

[Boy laughs]

Men...

Before we begin

today's activities,

I want to remind you

that as a part of the path

of the brave,

each cabin will have a project.

That project should reflect

the proud tradition

of Kamp Kikakee.

- Wow.

- Wow.

- Wow.

The winner of last year's

competition

made a full Indian

ceremonial headdress.

- So what?

- So what?

- So what?

This year...

I hope that one of our group

will do even better.

Okay, fellas, let's get to it!

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

Okay, men, I want you to give

some special thought

to the competition

Mr. Tipton talked about.

Who knows?

We might even beat 'em

at their own game.

Yeah, with a little teamwork,

with a little blood

and sweat and tears,

we might just win.

Oh, come on, even a flounder

takes sides.

Anybody got any ideas?

We could quit 'cause

we don't have a chance.

Quit?

Well, you know they ain't

gonna let us win anything.

They don't even

want us to be here.

Man:
Let's move out!

Everybody to the archery range!

Come on, fellas,

we got to at least try.

I know! We could build

an authentic Indian tepee.

You know, we could cut

some tall poles,

and we could get some paint

and some special lashings and...

[Sighs]

Ernest, if you really

want to build a tepee,

I'll help you.

Move it, short stuff!

We're waiting!

[Bird caws]

21 degrees northwest

by 7 degrees southeast...

divided by 6,

carry the one.

Miss St. Cloud:

Oh, hi, Ernest.

Oh, hi, Nurse St. Cloud.

Are you lost again?

Oh, no, no, no.

The woods are my home.

Yes, I have

a working knowledge

of every square inch

of this camp.

I am at one with nature.

Yeah, it's all

right here...

a keen sense of direction

and a firm grasp

on the throttle that

controls the elements.

Here. Have something

to eat.

Thank you. Ahh!

Peanut butter

on white bread...

my favorite

rustic outdoor food.

[Bird caws]

Ah, this is the life...

the great outdoors,

a beautiful woman,

plenty of food,

and fire ants.

Fire ants?!

Ahhh!

Owwww!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Laughter]

Shh! Whatever you do,

keep a straight face.

Ernest, the boys

are here to see you.

Hey, Ernest!

You okay?

We heard about

the army of fire ants.

Yeah, we brought you

a cheer-up present. Here.

Ah! Thanks, fellas.

You know, whatever

they may say about you,

I'm gonna say, " Hey,

"you're talking about

my guys," know what I mean?

Go ahead,

smell them, Ernest.

They're good.

Mmm.

Notice

their aromatic bouquet.

[Sniffing]

This is swell.

This is the best

get-well present I ever had,

know what I mean?

Well, we'll see you,

Ernest.

Yeah, man,

we'll be seeing you.

- Catch you later.

- Bouquet!

Well, thanks, fellas.

Oh, man!

[Laughter]

Those kids are really great,

aren't they?

That's what

they brought you?!

It's a get-well present

from the boys.

That's poison ivy, Ernest,

and with that much

coverage,

you're gonna need

another shot.

Not again!

Gosh!

He was hugging it

and everything.

He said it was his best

get-well present.

Boys...

I'm really disappointed

in you.

That wasn't very nice.

I was just a joke.

Yeah, besides,

he's a jerk.

Y-Yeah, well, we didn't mean

to do anything or...

Crutchfield:

Yeah, we didn't

mean nothing by it.

Okay, okay,

you're right.

It seems like the harder I try,

the worse things get.

I like the boys, but I don't

think they like me.

Mr. Tipton's

chewed me out twice.

I guess I had it coming,

but it's still no fun,

know what I mean?

This counselor business

is harder than I thought,

but it's what I want to do.

Come on, Pokey, I need

to talk to somebody.

I know you're dormant

and coldblooded

and all that, but...

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Pokey!

Ow! You heartless beast!

Ow! Ow! [Panting]

Pokey, Pokey, my sinuses!

Pokey! Oh! You said

you'd never do this again!

Ow! Ow!

[Door squeaks]

Heh heh heh

heh heh heh.

Hey, Ernest!

You got a turtle

on your nose, man!

Oh, no, no, i-it's a zit.

It comes back

every now and then. Heh heh.

Hey, come on, fellas,

we can jerk that sucker

off there in just a second.

No! No, no!

The only way to get him off

is to sing him to sleep!

Okay, guys, come on.

Okay.

A-one, A-two,

A-one, two, three.

Remember me and you

and you and me

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