Ernest Scared Stupid Page #3

right... maybe it was a troll!

Luckily, I was there to beat

it within an inch of its face...

Hold it. Old Lady Hackmore?

Yeah, the kids and I built a treehouse

out there, and she got real steamed...

You took Kenny and the kids out there,

trespassing on that old lady's land?

Yeah, but what happened?

Sheriff, I saw a troll!

I really saw a troll!

Dad, something really strange was

happening in those woods tonight.

Yeah, you got to believe me, sheriff!

Yeah, look, Ernest, whoa. Listen,

you just had a nightmare, okay?

- So pinch yourself...

- Ow!

...and go on home...

No, I'm not dreaming. This isn't

a nightmare. That really hurt.

- We'll talk about it tomorrow.

- This thing was huge!

It had this great, big head...

Good night, Ernest.

It was probably just...

well, it was more about...

it was about this tall,

and it looked like a

giant, big Mr. Potato Head,

only as big as a watermelon...

Grow, my children, grow.

Oh, Miss Hackmore!

Miss Hackmore!

I'm sorry to bother you.

You have bothered the whole planet.

You're cursed, now you're

rubbing it off on me.

But it's about what you said.

I... I let the troll out.

Uh...

That which has been

promised is delivered.

I-It was huge!

It had a great, big head

and little, tiny, beady eyes,

and great, big noses!

They were... it was horrible!

You haven't seen horrible till you

see what it does to the children.

Heaven help us.

Them that dies will be the lucky ones!

Oh!

I felt it! Heaven, help us.

After all these years,

that thing is loose again.

Oh! Vampires, werewolves...

Well... I can handle that.

A few crucifixes, a little garlic...

perhaps a silver bullet.

Ahhh.

Ghouls, zombies...

Ahhh.

It has been my lifelong wish

that this book would never be opened,

but, of course, you've changed all that.

That's him! That's the guy!

The prophecy fulfilled.

"From the innocence of five,

"an evil army shall arise.

"When blossoms shower down like rain,

"my dark kingdom will come again.

"There is one who can

stop me if he will dare,

"with the heart of a child...

and a mother's care. "

Are there any more pictures?

You've got to stop him

before he gets the children.

He's got to get five before

midnight tomorrow night!

Me? Stop that thing?

You've got the wrong guy.

You are the direct descendant

of the Reverend Phineas Worrell!

It's your legacy!

Yeah, but I'm me, and... and he's he,

and we're talking real danger here...

"stand and deliver," "firing line,"

"moment of truth," "end of the line,"

eighth-level "Mario Brothers. "

You are the only troll

fighter we've got.

You're the seventh

son of the seventh son.

You're the baby. You're the boy.

You are the great redneck hope.

The great redneck hope.

" Hallelujah "

Troll alert! This is not a drill!

An actual troll

has been sighted in the Briarville area!

Please remain calm!

Do not... I repeat... do not panic!

Children should remain

indoors until further notice...

What's Ernest yelling about now?

Something stupid about trolls.

Make sure your shoes

are on the right feet

and all your furniture is

pushed up against the wall!

Work with me, people, work with me!

We've got a situation here!

Trolls! Get off the streets!

Prepare for the worst!

The trolls are coming!

The trolls are coming!

Hurry, Bobby, hurry.

Come on, time is money.

Time is money!

We got a lot of

merchandise to move, now.

Are you ready? Roll 'em.

Hello, friends, this is Tom Tulip

with Tulip Brothers' One-Stop Salvage.

This is my big brother, Bobby.

A fella comes in here the

other day, and he says to me,

"Will Tulip Brothers give me a good deal

on an outboard motor and

some taxidermy supplies?"

And I said, "Does a fat

puppy hate fast cars?"

And then he says to me,

"Well, will you give me a good deal

"on some surplus government canned goods

and assorted socket wrenches?"

And I said, "Does a one-legged

duck swim in a circle?"

But, no, seriously, folks...

Tom, you got to help me!

There's a troll on the loose, a troll!

Ernest, Ernest! Cut, Bobby, cut!

Can't you see we are engaged

in mass communication here?

But I got serious problems... trolls!

Oh, trolls! Bobby, our friend

Ernest is seeing trolls.

Trolls?

Trolls.

Oh, this is your lucky day,

but, of course, you knew

that when I was stationed in Germany

with the 82nd airborne,

I was in charge of the

troll-destruction unit.

Have I got a deal for you.

Huh ah-huh huh huh.

Sorry I'm late. Isn't Joey here yet?

No, Joey never got home last night.

What do you mean?

You said Ernest came by our house

last night yelling about trolls.

Do you think maybe...

Come on, there's no

such thing as trolls.

But Ernest saw something

out at the tree,

and he's never lied to us before.

Yeah, but trolls? Come on,

let's go check out the treehouse.

Maybe Joey's there already.

I don't know.

You're not scared, are you?

Four tin cans, Troll Away spray,

$ 19.95 apiece,

two Bolivian Army slingshots...

Oh!

- $9.95 each,

Day-Glo troll waders,

$ 119.50,

oh, troll ninja nun-chucks, $9.95,

slimeproof troll gloves, $49.95,

chopped troll bait, $3 a pound...

50 pounds,

14 No Troll strips, only $9.95 each,

and one trolling motor, $ 79.95,

for a grand total of...

$ 1,749.98...

- Plus tax.

- Plus tax.

Does that include the giant album

with every troll love song ever written?

Do rattlesnakes kiss carefully?

Joey?

Joey?

This place looks different.

Joey?

Joey?

Something really weird's going on here.

I told you. It's the legend.

Look at that!

That hole wasn't there yesterday!

It looks just like...

Joey.

What if it is Joey?

- What if it really is?

Something's there!

Run for it!

You see before you

the state-of-the-art

troll fighter of tomorrow.

This multidirectional, unitized,

high-tech fighting machine

is salt-free, tuna-safe,

and comes complete with 15 megabytes

of double-density,

wafer-thin alloy,

forming a virtual reality

of modern troll extermination.

Need I say more?

Ernest is here! Come on!

We can't go in there! That's

Old Lady Hackmore's place!

It's all right. He'll know what to do.

Oh!

Aaah!

Anybody home?

Anybody here?

- Hi, guys!

- Ernest!

- We went to the treehouse!

- And there were five holes!

And in one of the holes, there

was a little wooden dolly.

And it looked just like Joey.

Ernest! With every passing

hour, the danger grows greater!

Who are they?!

A mother's care... what does it mean?

Don't pay any attention

to her. She's a Gemini.

And besides, i-it's a full moon,

ah heh, know what I mean?

Ohh.

The troll is getting stronger.

He has one child already.

By now, the tree is

sprouting its cursed pods.

Pods?

Pods!

And if they touch the

ground, all is lost!

He needs four more souls

before he can release his army

and start to capture

the children all over the world.

Just the kids?

Listen to the last two

lines of the troll's poem.

"There's one who can

stop us if he will dare,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes