EuroTrip Page #6

Cooper, the hat! The hat!

The hat is on fire!

" We don't need no water

let the m... "

I'm not kidding! Look!

Oh, holy sh*t!

I don't want this!

Fireplace! Fireplace!

Go, go!

Whoa!

White smoke!

They've elected the new pope!

I'm coming to you live

from Vatican Square

where the College of Cardinals,

in a surprise move,

has just elected a new pope.

The crowd is very excited.

This is so strange.

Usually they wait 15 days

to elect a new pope.

We could be seeing

history in the making!

We could be seeing an arrest

in the making.

There she is. Mieke!

Hey! Stupid curtain!

Let me out!

Mieke!

It's the new pope!

What the hell...?

Mieke!

Hold on!

This is one crazy pope.

You!

Ferma! Stop! You!

You... and your retarded friend,

you're in big, big trouble.

Oy!

Take your mitts off them boys!

They're with me!

I've just about had enough

of you f***in' ities!

But I am Swiss!

Them, too!

Now, bud...

you get in there, and you

say what you got to say.

Mieke. I'm here.

I made it.

Who are you?

What a f***ing loser!

I'm gonna videotape this.

I'm Scott.

From Ohio?

Scott? Scott Thomas?

- Yes.

- From Ohio?

- What are you doing in Rome?

- I came here to be with you.

Listen, I just traveled

all the way across Europe.

I got chased by naked men.

I ate brownies with absolutely

no drugs in them.

I watched a brother

and sister make out.

I kicked a robot in the balls,

but I did it all so that...

so I could tell you one thing.

I love you, Mieke.

Aww...

We're perfect for each other.

What do you think?

I think...

Oh, Mike... Mieke!

Forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned.

I have cheated on my husband.

Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Oh, yes!

- Father?

This sucks.

I can't believe I'm the only one

who didn't hook up while we were here.

Europe is officially

the worst country on Earth.

I know.

I thought I'd at least get to

have some crazy European sex.

What?

- Scott, I have to go.

- OK.

My boat is leaving.

I still can't believe

you came all the way here,

just for me.

What can I say?

I'm very unpredictable.

Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?

Yeah, I will.

- Go.

- Bye.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got

to take this trip together.

This was the best time of my life.

Excuse me.

You're the young man who gave me

that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

- Listen, I'm very sorry...

- I just wanted to thank you.

You were the most knowledgeable,

albeit idiosyncratic,

tour guide I've ever had.

Thanks.

But I'm not actually a tour guide.

I've just read Frommer's

enough to have it memorized.

Although I threw in a few things

Frommer's didn't know about.

How would you like to add them?

Excuse me?

That's my guidebook.

I'm Arthur Frommer.

It's amazing!

Frommer's is going to pay me to see

every museum and cathedral in Europe.

- That sounds so exciting...

for you.

I figured, since you're

going to be staying,

you might need this.

- A disposable camera.

- That's right.

Thanks, Scotty.

That's from both of us.

Hello, Mr. Walters.

I see.

Fired? Well, I...

Well, if that's what you want,

I understand. I just...

goodbye, sir.

They had to catch you

eventually, right?

- No, they fired Humphrey.

- Shut up!

I got his office and a raise.

- No!

Flight 341

from Rome to Cleveland...

That's you guys.

- Have a good flight, everybody.

- Come here.

Be good.

- Oh! OK...

- Cooper, have a good flight.

- Be good.

Thanks.

I'm on it.

This still

counts as Europe, right?

"Dear Mieke,

"Greece sounds incredible.

"I just moved into my dorm room today,

"but I can't wait to see you

over Christmas break.

"This time I think

I'll fly to Berlin direct."

- Hello?

- Hey, buddy, how's college?

I just got here. My roommate

hasn't even showed up yet.

Do they room all you

pre-med geeks together?

I'm not sure I'm going pre-med.

I'm thinking about majoring in German.

German? I've got a better idea.

Why don't you major

in not being such a woman?

So, how's Jenny?

Jenny... Jenny who?

I know a lot of ladies

named Jenny, they're all...

Ow!

Hey, Scotty, what's up?

Hi, Jenny!

How's Jamie doing with Frommer?

Oh, no.

Hold on.

Come here, robot!

Cooper, not again!

Hold on, this could be

my new roommate.

What's the freak look like?

Is he a dork or is he cool?

Better not be cooler than me.

Is he bigger than me?

I just got your last email.

What are you doing here?

Going to college.

You're going to college here?

- What dorm?

- This one.

Room 214.

How is this possible?

I guess they thought I was a guy.

Now who would be dumb enough

to make a mistake like that?

Do I hear kissing?

Are you making out with

your new roommate, Scotty?

Scotty?

Scotty? Scotty!

" Scotty doesn't know

that Fiona and me "

This happy ending is bullshit.

When does the fairy get laid?

I'm outta here.

" Still she's on her knees

And Scotty doesn't know "

" Oh, Scotty doesn't know "

- Catchy tune.

- F***in'-a, man.

" Fiona says she's out shopping "

" But she's under me

And I'm not stopping "

Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!

Hello, and welcome to

Amsterdam's finest and most

luxurious youth hostel.

Sounds great.

There is no bathroom,

nor is there one nearby.

" I can't believe

He's so trusting "

Sorry.

" While I'm right behind you thrusting "

- Get it?

- She got it.

If you do not wish to have

your valuables stolen,

I suggest destroying them

or discarding them right now.

You can also try hiding

your valuables...

in your anus.

Drink?

" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "

" Scotty doesn't know

Don't tell Scotty "

I'm gonna rip away his pants

and look at his dick, OK?

- Ready? Quit. Shut up.

Sorry. I know I f***ed it up.

Yes! You take her hair...

and one strand at a time,

pull it out!

Use her like a humping post!

Jenny, this is Europe.

They have orange juice ads

with lesbians and d*ldos.

"Happy juice."

Show them something they haven't seen.

" Fiona's got him on the phone "

" And she's trying not to moan "

" It's a three-way call

And he knows nothing "

" Nothing, Scotty doesn't know "

" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "

Should a fire occur,

due to our faulty wiring,

or the fireworks factory upstairs,

you will be incinerated,

along with the valuables

you have hidden in your anus.

" So don't tell Scotty

Scotty doesn't know "

" Really want to go "

" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "

" Scotty doesn't know "

" The parking lot, why not? "

" It's so cool when you're on top "

" Life is so hard

'Cause Scotty doesn't know "

" Scotty doesn't know "

F*** off! Get out of it, you wankers!

Go on, you gaelic f***ing

garlic-breath tossers!

Piss off! Get in here

and say that, mate!

Come on! F***ing come and have it!

You f***ing beep?!

We'll beep, you bastard,

all over your f***ing nose!

F*** off!

Go on, you French bastards!

Get on the other side

of the road, you pricks!

Go on out of it!

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