EuroTrip Page #5

train station, aren't you?

- My name is...

- Christoph.

Yes.

What are you doing here?

This is my place. My family owns

many nightclubs in Europe.

I'd be honored if you'd join me

in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.

Mmm-kay.

Bye, Cooper.

- What's that?

- It's absinthe.

Frommer's says it's

illegal in the States

because it makes you

hallucinate and go crazy.

They call it "the green fairy."

My family has a yacht in the Aegean.

Come with me, Jennifer.

We will sail away together.

Oh, my God!

We will swim with dolphins,

and sip champagne by moonlight.

Oh, my God!

We will spend the day

sunbathing, drinking wine.

My wife makes the best sangria.

Wait... what?

Sangria.

You take a good Spanish Rioja,

and you put in slices of orange, and...

No, wait.

You said you were married?

You go around Europe

sleeping with every woman you meet?

No, please, Jennifer.

It is not like that.

I also sleep with men.

I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Me neither.

Sober as a judge.

How 'bout you?

I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.

This absinthe is bullshit!

I hear you, my brother.

I'm outta here.

Excuse me.

- Hey, so where's Christoph?

- Shut up.

- Europe!

- Europe!

- Whoo!

- Europe!

So, tomorrow, Berlin.

Tomorrow, Mieke!

Check it out.

No way!

Jamie's hooking up with another girl?

Goddamn it!

It's just so unfair.

I've been all over,

looking for crazy European sex,

and he's the one who ends up...

- Oh, my God!

That is some pretty f***ed-up sh*t.

Can you say,

"What the f*** did I do last night?"

They really are the worst twins ever.

That was a pretty wild night, eh?

Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.

I know I was out of control.

How about you guys?

Did you...?

All right, look.

We were really drunk,

things got a little crazy,

and Jamie...

kissed me.

Let's just forget about it, 'kay?

- Consider it forgotten.

- Never happened.

Never happened.

Fine. Let's just forget about it.

It's not like you two had sex.

- Have you had sex?

- Shut up, Cooper!

Jamie, relax.

Cooper. Please?

OK, fine. I'll give it a rest.

Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's?

Oh, here it is. Bratislava.

Hmm. Capital of Slovakia.

Oh, here's a fun fact.

You made out with your sister, man!

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

- Like two dogs in heat.

My friends, where is the beef?

You go to Berlin?

I'm your ride.

Hop in.

" "99 Red Balloons"

This is Mieke's

apartment building.

Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

You'll do great, Scotty.

Thanks.

I came all this way.

I'm not gonna miss this.

- Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

- Stop.

Hi, my name is Scott Thomas.

I'm from America,

and I'm here to see Mieke.

I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.

Do you know where she is?

She's gone for the summer.

My daughter had intended

to spend the summer in America,

looking at colleges

and visiting some friends.

But several days ago,

she suddenly changed her mind.

She would not tell me why.

I think I know why.

This is Heinrich.

He's Mieke's stepbrother.

As I was saying,

she packed up her bag and left.

- It was all very sudden.

- Do you know where she is now?

She's always been

very interested in the classics,

Greek and Roman literature, history,

and she's always enjoyed the ocean,

so she found a program that

combines all her interests.

Do you know where she is?

She enrolled in a summer at sea

program, based in Rome.

Rome.

OK, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Unfortunately, Mieke's only

in Rome for orientation.

Tomorrow her group boards a boat

and she'll be gone for the summer.

She'll be quite unreachable.

Unreachable.

Mieke's tour group goes

to the Vatican tomorrow,

then she gets on that boat

and she's gone.

So, it's over?

Thanks for sticking with me

through this, guys, but...

you should probably call your parents,

have them wire you

some money and go home.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to Rome.

I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,

I'll swim if I have to,

but I'll get to Mieke somehow.

Maybe that'll help.

Where'd you get all that?

Wait. Where's your Leica?

Sold it.

What?

You sold your Leica?

But you loved that thing.

What about your Europe photo tour,

the chateaus?

Chateaus have been there

for 300 years.

Mieke's gone in 12 hours.

Let's go! Frommer's says check in three

hours before international flights.

Come here, guidebook!

Whoo! We're going to Rome.

We're going to Rome!

" Be my girl "

" Be my girl "

" Are you gonna be my "

" Girl, yeah "

" Be my girl "

" Be my girl "

" Are you gonna be my girl "

All right, summer at sea group.

Our tour begins in the Vatican museum.

This way, please.

There it is.

This entrance is

for private tour groups only.

Oh... but we are

a private tour group.

We've come all the way from America.

That guy in the orange jacket

is mentally retarded.

Si, I can tell.

How very, very sad.

Yes, it is.

But if you are a tour,

where is your guide?

We've got a fantastic tour guide.

- Right here.

- What? No...

The Vatican has been used

as a papal residence

ever since the time

of Constantine the Great

of the 5th century A.D.!

- Oh.

OK... um... if you'll

all follow me, please.

Have a very special day

for a very special little man.

OK.

I can't believe that guy let us in.

What a retard!

- Let's find Mieke.

- Scusate.

One of our English-speaking

tour guides has called in sick.

Could you please take

these peoples also?

- How big is Vatican City?

-. 5 square kilometers.

- Who built the colonnades?

- Gianlorenzo Bernini, 1656.

- Where are the bathrooms?

- Floors 2,6 and 7.

Next I'll take you to where the

College of Cardinals elects a new pope.

When this happens, white smoke

is sent up from the Vatican.

- Here's a fun fact...

- Mieke must be around here somewhere.

Let's go.

Behind me is the appartamento papale,

or "papal apartment."

We're obviously not permitted.

Excuse me, miss. What is this?

That is the bell of San Marco.

When the pope dies,

the Cardinal Vicar of Rome

rings this bell to notify

the people of Rome.

Next we will view the Sistine Chapel.

Follow me, please.

Come on. I think I hear them.

Which way did they go?

That way. I'd stake

my reputation on it.

Good enough for me.

Hey, check it out!

I wonder what this does.

It doesn't do anything,

it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

They got a lot

of old stuff here.

Dio mio!

The bell of San Marco!

The pope is dead!

Whoa.

She's not in here.

Let's go. We're definitely

not supposed to be in here.

Hey, check this out!

- I'm the pope!

- Cooper...

take off the pope hat.

- Oh, no. It's OK.I'm catholic.

- Take it off, goddamnit!

Oh, you took

the Lord's name in vain!

Only I can forgive

you now, my son.

Take that fudging thing off!

The pope breaks an open-field tackle.

It's a Hail Mary,

he catches at the 40...

the 30, the 20, the 10...

touchdown, Pope!

The pope makes a two-point conversion.

And oh, my Lord!

It's the Pope, eight,

and the heathens, nothing!

How's you, sucka?

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