Everybody Wants Some Page #5

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Way to go!

All right. I'll see you guys in a bit.

- Right. See ya.

- Okay. All right.

God, am I the only person

living in reality here?

That I'm not gonna be

playing this game forever?

Hey, man, you gotta appreciate it

while it lasts, you know?

I mean, I'm a good college player.

But beyond that,

I'm not counting on anything.

Screwdriver!

This place is f***ing awesome.

I've been dancing up

on like five girls all night long, man.

That's not true, though.

You haven't danced with one girl yet.

Yeah, I have. Oh, yeah. Before you

got here. I was all up on 'em, man.

Hey, who's that douchebag

she's dancing with?

Oh, Thompson?

He's a football player.

What a dyke!

Man, this is savage.

We're getting f***ing hosed out here.

F***ing sucks.

You know what?

I mean, taking account of the situation,

we're not doing so hot,

but we're in the early innings.

- We got a whole game to play.

- Yeah.

This is college, Jake, all right?

The girls can be

as big of sluts as the guys!

Make it work for you.

Hey, screwdriver! Okay?

It's not the writing of

the Magna f***ing Carta!

That's a book.

Who drinks a screwdriver, anyway?

I drink a f***ing screwdriver!

Everybody I know

drinks a f***ing screwdriver.

You know who drinks a screwdriver?

- My little sister drinks a screwdriver too.

- Oh, really? Does she?

Does she have blue eyes

and a big ass like you? Huh?

I bet she has a big ass.

- Big mouth!

- Yeah.

Did he just flick a lime in my drink?

Did he just f***ing...

It's a f***ing screwdriver!

You don't flick a f***ing lime!

You don't have lime in a screwdriver!

Hey, motherf***er!

Let's go, f***ing Pancho Villa!

I'm gonna come back there,

and I'll f***ing make you my b*tch, man!

Don't act like you don't like me

just because I got good hair!

Now he's giving me

the old-fashioned stare down!

All right, that's a f***ing stare down!

Dude, you're staring, he's cool.

Oh, no, he's not cool!

No, he's not f***ing cool!

You're back there having

a f***ing good time!

I'll come show you a good time.

I'll come over the bar

and show you a good time.

- Let's go. Let's go.

- I'm not gonna do anything.

Hey! No, you f***ing stay.

Back off! Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

Out of the club!

Right the f*** now! Get them out!

All baseball players

out of here! I mean it!

Let's go! Come on!

Get them out! Right now. Get them out.

Don't bring him back here again,

you get me?

Let's go, boys. Let's go! Hey!

Keep walking.

I'm gonna f***ing defend myself!

No! One more chance!

F*** you! F*** you, you jackoffs!

Bunch of f***ing numb-nuts!

Suck my dick, man!

- You f***ing a**hole!

- Stupid f***ing a**hole!

Don't bring your ass around here!

Bunch of f***ing numb-nuts!

- What the f***, Niles!

- Well, that was ugly.

I don't know, just based on

an outsider's perspective,

totally avoidable.

Well, I'm a f***ing raw dog,

all right?

Raw dog!

Anybody who fucks with me,

they don't get f***ed with back!

They get f***ing killed!

The only thing you killed tonight

was the prospect

of any of us getting laid!

Your f***ing junkyard dog routine

from f***ing Detroit

might make you feel tough,

but it's not helping out any

of your f***ing teammates.

Watch that sh*t in the future.

It's crazy we're f***ing

defending this guy.

It's all so damn tribal.

It's the pack mentality, animal instincts.

All the adrenaline!

Guys. Hey, guys. I got a new plan.

We're gonna shift our focus

from disco snatch

to country poon. All right?

No cover, free beer till 11:00

at Guaranteed Wholesome.

Okay, f***ing no cover, free beer!

We can't afford not to go!

F*** you, Sound Machine!

Let's f***ing go!

- F*** you, Sound Machine!

- Whoo!

I got seven of my bucks back!

Ha-ha! Let's do it!

No, no, no, no!

I don't know where the hell

you think you're going.

You sitting this one out

with that "raw dog" bullshit.

- Sit!

- Heel, boy. Heel, boy.

- Fetch.

- Yeah!

I get it. I get it. I get it!

I'll f***ing go home.

I got sh*t to do. I'll do some pushups.

How's that sound?

I'll do some pushups, do some abs.

I'll come back looking awesome!

I'll read a book.

F*** it! I'll f***ing run home.

Yeah! F*** it!

F*** it!

Hey, check your pillows, man!

- What the f*** does that mean?

- F*** if I know.

F***'s that mean? Let's f***ing go.

I don't know about this country bar, man.

Wait, wait, wait.

What the Charlie Pride

are you talking about?

We're just gonna do

a quick wardrobe change,

and we're there.

All right, I gotta say,

I hate all this Cotton-Eyed Joe,

"Looking for love

in all the wrong places."

What, Disco Boy now wearing

a cowboy hat and boots and sh*t?

- Yeah.

- It's unbelievable

that's trendy now everywhere!

Does that mean you're not going?

I didn't say that.

Crank it up, sweetheart! Come on, baby!

All right, crank it up!

Whoo!

You're not detecting

an anti-pitcher bias around here?

No, man.

- No?

- No!

- I sure as hell am.

- Mmm.

Well, let me tell you something, Jake.

It is lonely out on the bump, man.

You know, hitters,

they got no idea what that's like.

They don't know

the first thing about it, you know?

It's the most important part

of the game, hands down,

and yet it is a complete mystery to them.

Yeah, no sh*t,

but it's almost

like they view us as a necessary evil.

Well, yeah, man,

we kind of are, you know?

Mmm. But that doesn't

make them bad guys.

You know, they're just...

They're a little scared of us. You know?

We're f***ing weird, man!

We're different!

And the trick is, what's the trick?

I don't know. Tell me.

The trick is, you can't fight it.

You gotta accept it.

You gotta f***ing embrace

your inner f***ing strange, man.

Just be f***ing weird, you know?

And when you do that,

you bring who you are,

never who they want.

And that, my friend, is when it gets fun.

So, all of y'all play on the baseball team?

Yeah, we got all nine positions covered.

And then some.

This one,

this one loves catching our balls,

don't you, Plum?

He's an animal husbandry major.

What?

I'm actually studying

to be a cunnilinguist.

Ooh, what's that?

It's a major you can

actually practice before graduating.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just,

you know, buried in my work,

but I feel like

it's important to give back, you know?

- Y'all know what time it is!

- Oh, my God!

It's time to grab your partner dosey-do

'cause here we come

with Cotton-Eyed Joe!

- Hey, what'd you say?

- Bullshit!

- Y'all say what?

- Bullshit!

- You're steppin' in what?

- Bullshit!

- Hey, what'd you say?

- Bullshit!

- Stepped in what?

- Bullshit!

- A big pile of what?

- Bullshit!

Cotton-Eyed Joe.

Damn you, Jake!

- Eight up! Eight up! Let's go! Let's do it!

- Eight-eight.

Okay. Let's go!

Get the ball now.

- Whoa, f***!

- That's for you, babe!

- It's our ball.

- Damn it!

- Detroit?

- What? What?

Ball in!

Night and day!

See, the perfect rim ingredients

keep the drink on its toes.

It simultaneously

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