Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #8

about a new strain of avian flu...

that had the potential to kill off

the entire feline population.

How could l make money off that?

Well, l guess, in that...

horrendous scenario...

you could make a small fortune...

short-selling pet supply

manufacturing companies...

and at the same time investing

in companies that produce pet...coffins.

Anyway, guys, l hope it was helpful.

l don't know, l just figured, you know, if

you're smart enough to get into Harvard...

you might as well be financially

smart enough to pay for it.

You really think that guy's gonna

call me in to be a guest lecturer?

Probably. He loved you.

Oh, man. Me, the high-school dropout,

a college lecturer?

lt would be so freaking cool.

You think they were just humoring me?

Like l really just stuck out, like

a hooker at a convent or something?

That's your baggage, not theirs.

Why are you so upset?

l'm not upset, it's just...

- You know.

- No.

- What's up?

- lt was my night.

But l was eclipsed,

and not even by my boyfriend.

- Come here.

- No.

lf l'm gonna be overshadowed...

l would at least like it to be by someone...

who basks in me when l get home at night.

Me.

- Good night.

- Good night?

You...

Seriously?

Hello?

Hey.

Can you buzz me up?

You need a slumber party.

l was thinking more

of an adult slumber party.

No!

Adult slumber parties aren't as much fun.

You just gonna stand there,

or are you gonna come help me?

Nice.

You see that line over there?

The one that represents friendship.

l think it's safe to say

that we've crossed that one.

- You know what Freud says?

- Yeah.

He'd say l'd rather be

making out with my mom.

Hey!

Beautiful day. Beautiful day!

- How you doing?

- So.

- So?

- How's the therapy going? Eh?

l'm not...l'm not in therapy.

Why would you even

say something like that?

ls Steve. He tell us all about your...

sessions.

But don't worry.

Your secret is safe with me.

He told you that?

You know, you need it for some time now.

Ah, Marisa! Buongiorno.

You've got the glow!

Oh, believe me, there's no glow.

lt's more of a flame.

l don't care. Most historians

would disagree with you.

l don't care what most historians say.

l lived through it.

And l am telling you...

ltaly was never part of the Axis.

- Yes, they were.

- No!

They were not.

ls this before or after the war?

Before or after! The ltalian people

were always part of the Allies.

- What?

- As for Mussolini himself...

That's another story.

Are you shitting me?

ls Jake here? l need to speak to him.

- What the hell do you want?

- Look, l just need some help. Please?

- lt's not gonna happen.

- No way.

Oh, God. lt's been eight years.

You still can't be mad.

Time heals most wounds,

but Jake is like a homophiliac...

- No, no. Hemophiliac.

- Yeah, hemophiliac.

He...he still bleeds.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have

to bleed anymore.

'Cause l'm back.

She's what?

lt took you eight years to realize this?

Look, l'm sorry

that l was slower than you, but...

l'm here now.

lf you want me.

Just help me!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, huh?

No. Are you kidding me?

This...this is...

This is the best day of my life. l...

This is what l've been dreaming of, right?

- You don't act like it.

- l don't know.

You guys, you showed up

so unexpectedly...

l just wasn't sure what to do, that's all.

Well, be excited.

This is what

you and l have always wanted, right?

Yeah, no, l know. l know.

This...this is all good.

We're soulmates, so...

Hey, sweetie.

You gonna play?

- So, how's it going?

- Yeah.

No, it's great, you know? lt's...

lt's everything l've been dreaming of, so...

- lt's good, yeah.

- ls it?

Do you want my professional opinion

or my honest opinion?

- Which one's more important?

- Oh, they both are.

- Then give me both.

- OK.

- Professional opinion first?

- l don't care. Just give me one.

Well, let's see.

My professional opinion is...

that you get the heck outta town,

you get into your truck...

move to another state and don't tell

anybody where you're going, now.

- Come on, man, l'm being serious here.

- So am l!

Her husband's gonna kill you.

He is. He's ltalian, you know.

You know what? lf you're just gonna

stand out there and listen anyway...

why don't you just come in, pull up a chair

and join my therapy session?

You asked.

Hey, Pop. Get the counter, will you?

- lt's fine, l left a note.

- Him too?

He's gonna tell me everything anyway,

so, save time.

l ask you as a friend, Jake,

don't pull us into this.

Your life is sh*t.

How are you gonna keep any clients?

How are you gonna keep your balls?

ls this a meeting of minds?

Yeah, something like that.

Hi, boys.

Hola .

- How you doing?

- Hey, Jake.

What's up?

- What are these?

- They're just... They're some...

Fish tags.

- Did the Girl Scouts write these?

- No, they're...

- Like he said, they're fish tags.

- You see, this is a fish market.

- ls it really? Thank you.

- Yes.

Well, we're gonna go for a walk.

You wanna come?

Yeah, l'll be right there. l'm just gonna...

take a minute with these guys.

- l'll meet you outside, OK?

- OK.

Go on.

See you, boys.

Yeah. Whatever. Keep in touch.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

l know a guy, he makes problems go away.

- Your kind of problem.

- Yeah, Frankie the jeweler's cousin.

You're never gonna know what happened.

You just know...

she don't come back.

- You got it!

- Hey.

They hate me.

No... Yeah, they do. They really do.

- Do you hate me?

- No, l don't hate you.

Hey! You!

lsabella, this is Marisa.

Marisa, lsabella.

You're Marisa?

l've heard so much about you.

l... l'm gonna... You just...

Marisa!

Marisa! Marisa!

Come on!

Marisa!

God!

How are you so fast?

Oh, what a tangled up web we weave...

When first we practice to deceive...

- Like the song says.

- lt's not a song, it's Shakespeare, papa.

- Huh?

- No, that's not.

lt's Sir Walter Scott.

No, forget the poetry.

Because right now,

you got an opportunity...

to exploit Marisa's latent lesbian side.

Now, maybe you invite lsabella

to join you two in a little mnage, hm?

- A bit like a mini scrum!

- Yeah, no, just...just like a scrum.

That's my boy.

Yeah. lt's a good idea.

What... Oh, no.

We already fixed your fish. Sir!

- lt's my son, OK?

- Your son?

- Just...

- No, l have to...

- My acquaintance's son, and l gotta...

- Sir!

His pet is gonna die if we don't hurry up.

- Your antics aren't gonna work.

- They're not antics.

l swear... We just...

We needed you to help Chuckie.

Jake, these rodents carry diseases.

Honey, honey, can l have this?

- Can l take this?

- lt's OK.

Just let me look at it real quick,

OK, honey?

- She's gonna help Chuckie, all right?

- Thank you.

- She's gonna help fix Chuckie.

- Yeah.

All right?

My God! What are you...

What is wrong with veterinary caution?

Really?

There you go. There you go.

Can l talk to you a minute?

What, you can't just throw

a kid's pet in the trash can.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes