Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #7

- Oh, sure.

What's up?

- Things good?

- Yeah, thing are good.

Classes are good, and...

- Yeah, classes are good.

- Learning a lot of new stuff?

What the hell do you want?

How much would it cost?

How much would what cost?

- Counseling.

- Counseling?

Yes. What are you, a parrot?

Gotta repeat everything l say?

Counseling!

Look, you're almost

a psychologist now, right?

So...how much would a session cost?

You want me to be your psychologist?

Yes! But...

we can't tell anybody.

Of course not.

l'm a professional.

But, you know...

Jeez, Jake.

- You're my boss.

- l know.

And that's why

we gotta keep this between us, OK?

Very professional, just...

You treat me just like any other patient.

OK, but l'd have to charge you

$20 an hour.

- $20 an hour?

- Yeah.

l pay you twice that in the market!

You go to school to make less money?

- lt's not all about money, Jake.

- l'm just saying,

- you use your education just to...

- OK. All right. 40.

- l think so.

- Good.

- Think so.

- All right. When do you want it?

- Well, when's good for you?

- l don't know.

- Now?

- Now works.

- Now works.

- l could...

- Now?

- l can do... Yeah.

- OK.

- OK.

- So, what do we...

- Why don't you have a seat?

And l'll have a seat, and...we can start.

- OK.

- l don't like this.

- Why don't we switch?

- l don't...

Get over here. See, this is better.

Yeah...

That's good. Now...

Like that. All right.

Here we are.

So.

Mr. Bianchi.

Tell me how your troubles began.

Do we really have to act like this?

We're in a fish market.

Yes! You want a professional

working relationship.

Please answer the questions.

She's six years older than me, and...

- She?

- Marisa, jackass.

- Marisa?

- Am l really paying you $40 an hour...

just to repeat everything l say, Steve?

if you keep on being difficult.

- That's what doctors do.

- Psychologists aren't doctors.

Whatever.

lf she is indeed six years

older than you, Mr. Bianchi,

l suggest to you, in the vernacular,

that you dump her.

- What?

- See, this...this woman...

was playing tonsil hockey

in the playground of life...

while you were a mere spermatozoa...

- in your father's scrotal sac.

- Look, Steve, l'm in a bind here, man.

l got an entire relationship,

everything's based on lies.

- l see, Mr. Bianchi.

- Bianski.

- l'm not ltalian.

- Coulda had me fooled.

And l'm not even

in a real relationship with lsabella.

Now, finally, we're getting somewhere.

Not a meaningful

relationship with lsabella. But...

lf l'm gonna make this work with her,

l gotta tell her the truth.

No! Absolutely not.

The truth never helps anyone.

See, relationships are delicate enough

without the truth messing things up.

You see, the truth is like pure oxygen, hm?

lt can kill you.

lt's gotta be mixed in with other things.

What? Am l... Am l really

paying you for this advice?

lf you love someone, embrace them.

And if the truth helps, well, flaunt it.

lf it doesn't, avoid the truth like a plague,

like a pestilence

that should be driven from the valley.

The valley.

Fathers and sons,

they say horrible things to one another...

that should never be repeated.

Most of them truthful.

But what's important is how they feel.

That's what counts.

You learnt all this stuff studying?

Come on, Jake, you don't

get this sh*t out of a textbook, hm?

This is life, man. Life!

And yours truly has lived it.

'Scuse me, ladies.

Look. Before l forget...

l need to get off early tonight, l got plans.

Well, you're the boss.

l'm going to the community college

to sign up for some evening classes.

- English literature.

- You gotta be kidding me. You too?

Hey, l'm not gonna spend my whole life

in this fish market.

- l got dreams too.

- English literature?

You love fish.

Whatever, man.

Go study Shakespeare. l don't care.

l always knew you had a thing

for guys in tights anyway.

Yeah. Well, thanks for the support.

You got it.

She's taking me to her faculty dinner.

Don't go. lntellectuals,

though l count myself among them...

are very cliquey if you're not on their level.

Jake. You should have at least

had some good years of sex...

before this bullshit started.

l mean, at a minimum,

you should have seen her nipples.

Hey.

- You can't wear that.

- Why not?

Because you can't wear khaki to a formal.

- Let me just... Can l...

- Whoa.

lf you don't want to take me as l am,

why not take Michael?

Because l wanna take you.

Now just look nice for me.

Here. Try this on.

No. l can't wear that.

OK. What about this one?

No! None of these.

- Why do you want a suit...

- This is... Let me just see.

- That looks good.

- Yeah.

What's this?

This.

- Wow.

- Oh, yeah. These are my...

my anniversary suits.

lf you really love someone...

they don't need something like this.

All right. Why don't you tell me

what you can wear?

This?

Well, if it's good enough for me...

it's good enough for lvy League snobs.

They're not snobs. They're intellectuals.

lntellectuals bore me.

l won't have anything

to talk about with them.

You're gonna have a good time, l promise.

Yeah, we do all our neutering

by laser now. We love it.

- What about spaying?

- Spaying's a little tricky.

l think you still need

the human touch for that one.

Tonight's a very special night.

l am happy to present...

this year's Vets Without Borders Award

for Excellence in Research...

to Dr. Marisa Costa...

for her outstanding work

with the ltalian greyhound.

Careful, people. She's showing you up.

So, here's to Dr. Costa...

one of our most cherished colleagues...

and her pursuit of knowledge.

You were getting an award

and you didn't tell me?

You don't ask about my work.

lt's not just an award.

lt's a grant. A $500,000 endowment.

Not bad for four years

out of veterinarian school.

That's what l mean.

$500,000, you're not gonna tell me that?

- You wouldn't have come.

- l would have come.

What is it you do, Jack?

- l work in a fish market.

- A fish market?

- You sell fish?

- He's being modest.

He owns it.

So you're a businessman.

Of sorts, yeah.

Speaking of business,

Susan got a promotion.

- She got tenure at the university.

- Congratulations.

- Excellent.

- And a pretty nice pay raise.

That's it?

l'm...l'm just saying, l mean...

You're a professor.

That's all you make?

That's actually a very good salary.

- How do you live?

- Excuse me?

l just mean...

l pay that out in a bad year, so...

Wait a minute.

A fishmonger makes 85,000?

Yeah.

- Really?

- lt's good to be a monger.

The goal of North End Fisheries...

is to consistently increase

our annual profit margin.

l just recently raised prices in the shop.

People will spend more, because

they feel they're getting a better product.

As long as l keep my costs down...

my revenues are out of the red

and into the green.

- Yeah.

- Theoretically...

let's say you had

some inside information...

from a certain veterinary researcher...

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