Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #6

to this relationship.

None! There is no relationship.

l'm being serious, now.

Seriously, l need to know.

You do know. There is none.

l think l might have found someone.

That's great. l'm happy for you, Jake.

She knows about us.

And l told her, don't worry, l told her.

But... lt's just...

l don't know, she's...she's different.

She doesn't have big b*obs

and look like a supermodel?

No, no, she's got those qualities.

But it's just...

There's something about her,

l don't know, she's...

She's kind of cool.

Run through the wild with her, Jake.

Make love to her in exotic places.

You're free.

There is no us.

You keep saying that,

but l just want you to know...

that once l'm gone, it's forever.

Your pictures come off the wall,

hers go up.

l'm not a past-dweller, you know.

My timing's off, l'm gonna run ahead

and do some sprint work.

- l'll meet you at the bridge.

- No, l'm coming.

- No, Jake, l can't run this slowly.

- l'm coming.

- l'm coming.

- Forget it.

Good run, huh?

Feels good?

What are you doing, running off like that?

You're a woman, you're gonna...

gonna get raped or killed or something.

No, l could outrun them. You're the one

that's going to be somebody's b*tch.

l'm just saying that it's dangerous,

all right?

Competitive, aren't we?

Whatever, Flo-Jo.

- Wow, you look good.

- Thank you.

The fish looks great.

Here.

- You got him?

- Yeah.

- He's cute, right?

- ls this what you want?

What, this?

- This as in a lobster?

- No, this as in your dreams.

l don't even know if l could answer that

if l wanted to.

l just kind of take every day

as it comes, you know?

l'm a present-dweller.

- Well, the days are coming fast.

- Yeah?

- Soon there won't be any more.

- Honestly?

l never thought that much

about my dreams.

l guess my dreams just kind of found me.

All right.

Well, the Napoleonic complex...

it comes from Napoleon

denying that he was ltalian.

He was pretending to be French.

He forgot, you know,

that he was a lover and not a fighter.

That is why, to this day,

my cousin Pepino in the bakery...

will not sell napoleons.

What...what does that

have to do with women?

Ah, everything has to do with women.

An ltalian woman...

they will cook for you, clean,

iron, take care of the kids...

but it is the man's job...

to make her want

to do those things for him.

- l think l can handle that.

- Sure, sure.

You make her feel special...

you make her feel like a woman.

Like the song, you know.

lt is the man's job to work...

to protect la famiglia...

to make decisions, to pay the bills...

the mortgage, everything, tutto.

But it is the woman's job...

to make the man want

to do all these things for her.

- Capisci?

- Yeah, but l can cover my share of bills.

No, no, no, no, no. You're ltalian now.

Remember, it is the little things...

between the man and the woman

that count, eh?

- Gimme something about him.

- No.

- Tell me something.

- You don't want to hear it.

Yes, l do. lf we're going to be friends...

then l get to hear about him

and l get to spew forth my advice.

- My simple but profound advice.

- No, it just feels wrong...

talking about, you know,

such intimate things with you.

Pretend l'm a homo.

A gay man, OK? l'm just saying...

that way it'll just roll off of me, l won't care.

- Come on.

- l... OK. OK.

- You asked for it.

- l asked for it.

- l don't mean to complain...

- But...

But he's kind of boring.

- Boring how?

- Yeah, l mean...

- if l'm dating a guy...

- Right.

..he's gotta be a step up from my vibrator,

because that's a sure thing.

You know, l mean, it's not like

l need a new, crazy idea every time...

but come on, mix it up a little!

Throw on an occasional video.

Throw it on.

l know.

l gave him some of my best DVDs.

l don't think he's watched

a single one of them.

For example...

the other night,

we were doing it doggy-style...

on the washing machine.

And l slapped him, and...

She did what?

All right, you might wanna rethink this.

Just ask yourself,

what would a fisherman do?

She's out of my comfort zone.

- l would say.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that is...

Here she is.

l had a break.

Thought l'd stop by and say hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Dr. Costa.

- How you doing?

- So...

Wow. You know what? lf you guys...

lf you cleaned up some of these boxes...

Gianluca, Gianluca.

- l got a system there.

- Well, clearly not one that's working.

Jake. Do something about this, will you?

You need a woman's touch.

Don't you have any animals to heal?

- Some sick puppies...

- Come on. You guys can help.

No, no, no, it's...it's not in our contract...

We...we only do

a half-hour clean-up a day...

it's...it's union rules.

- lt's union rules.

- Only, yeah.

Jake, take care of this.

We're gonna get a beer.

Yeah.

They... He really does

have a system, it works...

- Work.

- ..pretty well.

Nobody's gonna spend this much for fish.

People wanna pay more. lt makes them

feel like the quality's better.

- Spoken like a true woman.

- No, it's all about presentation.

lf your fish look clean, the sales will soar.

l promise.

What happened?

This is a disaster.

What the hell is this?

We selling lemonade now?

You've straightened my pictures.

lt's clean.

lt's just a little bit cleaner, that's all.

What do you mean, it's clean?

lt's like an operating room.

You cleaned my floor.

You could eat off this floor. This is awful.

- lt's a disaster.

- lt's wonderful.

lt was her idea.

So you're coming this weekend...

- to the faculty dinner with me.

- You serious? No.

- Yes.

- No, l do not wanna go to a faculty dinner.

You have to. lt's friendship duties.

- lntelligent people bore me.

- Oh, my God.

Jake, don't start with me. You're coming.

- OK, Mom.

- Excuse me?

- You sound like my mother.

- Well, you sound like a child.

- You're a child.

- My God.

ls your family still in Palermo?

Palermo?

No.

Actually, my...my parents are dead.

- Shut up, Jake.

- Seriously.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

- lt's OK. l know you didn't know.

- Wow. l...

They...they died during my senior year.

- l'm sorry.

- lt's OK.

You know, l loved my family

when they were around.

lt was great. My old man,

he was something else.

He was such a character.

- You want kids?

- l don't know.

- l'd make a terrible father.

- No, you wouldn't.

Trust me, kids aren't for me.

l have a friend who's got three children,

and she's always...

That's your girlfriend, Jake.

Not your friend.

The point is,

kids messed up her whole life...

and now she's stuck in a marriage

that she doesn't want to be in.

Wait. Your girlfriend's married?

Yeah.

Well, l knew her

before she was married, though.

She's been in love with me all along.

Are you in love with her?

Thank you, Mrs. Vianelli.

You. You're slacking off.

l'd fire you if l could.

- You got a minute?

- Yeah, sure.

- Right now?

- Absolutely.

- Would you take over for me, please?

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