Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #5

- On second thoughts...

- Now! l'm busy.

You're wasting my time with your fishy.

What, are you too good for a goldfish?

You look like a mobile Chinese restaurant.

You got an anchovy pizza

you need some help with?

Hey, real cute.

Put your fish on the examining table.

- You sit. Sit.

- Hey, look, l don't think we...

have to do this, l mean...

- Really...

- Sit!

How long's your fish been acting weird?

l don't know. A couple of days, l guess.

- Why didn't you bring him in sooner?

- l thought he'd pull through.

This is a pet fish, isn't it?

He could have died.

Look, l don't want to be rude...

but do you think maybe

l could see the other veterinarian?

l think that might be very helpful.

This is Sammy.

He's got respiratory distress.

The owner says he's been lethargic

and not acting himself.

OK, l got it. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sammy's been acting a little weird. l...

l think he might have pinkeye

or something.

This isn't a pet.

Sammy, don't listen to anything

this evil woman says.

OK. l see through this.

What do you want?

We had fun the other night.

Fine. l had a good time the other night.

All right, l get the fact

that you want nothing to do with me, but...

Well, l really enjoyed your company.

No, no, no, no. No. No.

What? Just because

l'm not sexually available...

we can't be friends?

- Friends?

- Yeah, friends.

Like, spend time with each other

because we like each other's company.

- And just be friends.

- Exactly.

- No, we can't.

- Why not?

Because...

- l'm 33 years old.

- No way.

My biological clock is ticking.

l don't have time for friends.

So having friends somehow affects

your ability to have children?

- Yes.

- How? You gotta explain this to me.

When a man and a woman are friends...

one of them always ends up

wanting the other one.

lf neither is interested...

then there's no incentive for the friendship

in the first place.

What are you doing Friday night?

- None of your business.

- So no plans?

- l have plans.

- No, you don't.

- You don't. What?

- Plans.

Yeah, now that's mature for a 33-year-old.

You'd rather stay home alone

than make a friend.

Because you're sexually attracted to me...

and l'm emotionally unavailable.

- l have a date.

- Oh, yeah? Who is he?

- His name's Michael.

- There's no Michael.

No, really. l'm sort of seeing him now.

Fine. l get the message.

Actually, you know what?

Leave Sammy here.

Yeah?

l'll give him back to you...

- Saturday?

- Saturday?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Friends don't date. They hang out.

But you told me to go out with her

in the first place.

Well, that was before

you told me she was 33.

- Don't go.

- She's 33.

lmagine your balls in a vice grip.

That's what her ovaries are doing,

except they're screaming for sperm.

- Your sperm.

- lt's not even gonna be a date.

lt's gonna be...

We're gonna be hanging out.

- Like hanging out in high school?

- Yeah.

Like a guy and a girl hanging out.

People do that.

- No, they don't.

- Why not?

Because sooner or later, one of them's

gonna wanna swap some fluids.

Play some tonsil hockey.

She's 33! Walk away.

Well, hold on.

lt's not like he's gonna marry her.

Exactly. l'm not gonna marry the girl.

Just bang her a few times. Then move on.

Lesson numero uno.

La salsa di pomodoro.

No ltalian man can resist

la salsa di pomodoro.

Well, l wouldn't say he's a man.

He's more of a little boy.

A very good-looking little boy...

But this is friendship. Not love.

Hey. He and his girlfriend, together,

what, 1 2 years?

Not married, they not serious.

He's what you call fair game.

And the quickest way to a man's heart

is through the stomach.

- What if l don't wanna get to his...

- Oh, wait.

You want love ltalian-style?

There is no mercy, it is a war.

And the women are the generals.

Go, go. Put that in the pan.

And the food!

Food, their greatest weapon, eh?

Stir! Stir it, or it'll burn. Stir.

- Hey.

- Hi.

You're not dressed.

You still look good, l mean, l...

l would still...

Aren't we...aren't we going out?

No, we're friends. l made us dinner.

- Really?

- Come in.

- OK. These are for you.

- Thank you.

- How you doing?

- Hi. Oh, hi.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow, vinegar.

- Yeah, it's ltalian.

- lnteresting.

- This is not what l expected.

- How's that?

- You got the fluffy couch...

and the carpeted floors, it's...

lt's kind of American.

l expected more of that ltalian

hot-blooded style, you know?

Clean lines everywhere.

This place looks more like

my grandmother's house.

Wow. You know exactly

what to say to the ladies.

- Shall we eat? Before it gets cold?

- Sure. Yeah.

- You need help with anything?

- No.

Sammy? You cooked my fish?

- He's cured. No more pinkeye.

- You cooked my pet?

- He wasn't your pet, Jake.

- We were on a first-name basis.

What if l'd brought you a puppy?

l don't play games.

l dumped my first fianc because he lied.

Yeah? What about the second one?

He lied too, but his was much bigger.

What did the first one lie about?

He claimed he went to undergrad

at Harvard.

- And?

- He went to BU.

- Oh, no! Come on.

- He couldn't handle living in Boston...

and not being able to call himself

a Harvard man.

So you honestly... You dumped the guy...

you were considering spending

the rest of your life with 'cause of that?

- Yeah.

- That's kind of harsh.

He was my fianc.

He shouldn't be lying to me.

So, which one is he?

Oh, he's not up there.

l don't keep pictures of my exes.

There's not one picture

of your ex here?

No! Why keep pictures of people

that are no longer in your life?

l keep pictures of everybody,

just in case l never see 'em again.

But why would you care?

l don't know. For me,

once a relationship ends...

l don't ever look back.

So, what part of ltaly is your family from?

They're from the north. From Palermo.

Palermo? lsn't...

lsn't Palermo in the south, down by Sicily?

The northernmost part of the...of the south.

They...

They're very high...

They live in the mountains.

So, it's like...

lt's such a small country, anyway.

Where do your parents...

Where are they from?

- l...l can't say.

- Why not?

- Were they in the Mafia?

- Are yours?

Yeah. Come on, where are they from?

- ls it that important?

- Yeah, it's important.

- To an ltalian, it's very important.

- They're from the north.

Torino.

- l can't believe l just told you that.

- Oh, yeah. Big deal.

Your secret's out.

Maybe you'll have to kill me, now, right?

- l might have to.

- Yeah.

All right, so...

l mean, so you spend weeks...

or even months of your life

committed to someone, and then, what?

Like... They just...

They're erased, like they never existed?

You're a past-dweller.

Fine, if holding on to memories

makes me a past-dweller...

- then l'm a past-dweller.

- There's only three choices.

Past, present and future.

So where does that leave us?

You have a girlfriend.

l need to know your level of commitment

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