Excuse Me for Living Page #2

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OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOTHER AND I

HAVE GOTTEN NOWHERE WITH YOU.

WHATEVER DR. BERNSTEIN SAYS,

GOES, AND THAT'S THAT.

FATHER!

OH, I LOVE I WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT.

DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, HONEY.

OH, ALBERT.

( both moaning )

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

OH. OH, NO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T THINK

I CAN, DOLL.

OH... AGAIN!

JESUS, ALBERT.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

GO ON THAT DIET I GAVE YOU,

OR YOU'RE GONNA

DROP DEAD BEFORE

YOUR DIVORCE IS FINAL,

AND WE CAN FINALLY

GET MARRIED.

RIGHT. YOU'RE

RIGHT, HONEY BUNNY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE:

THAT DIAMOND BRACELE I GOT YOU?

THE TOPLERS:

AREN'T CHEAP.

WHAT WAS THAT, ELAINE?

UM, A FIREFLY, I THINK.

- FIREFLY?

- FORGET ABOUT IT.

( defecates wetly )

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

HOW AM I GONNA GO HOME?

JUST RUN IN AND TELL HER

THAT YOU GOTTA GO REAL BAD.

YOU. YOU'RE LIKE WEBSTER'S.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS

FOR EVERYTHING.

IF ONLY I HAD:

A WIFE LIKE YOU.

YOU WILL HAVE:

A WIFE LIKE ME, AL,

VERY SOON.

LOOK AT MY HUSBAND

WITH THIS HARLOT ELAINE.

OKAY.

- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON HERE.

- MISS DAVIDSON,

HARRIET TOPLER.

THIS TIME, I HAVE PICTURES

OF MY HUSBAND CHEATING ON ME.

DON'T WORRY,

MRS. TOPLER.

AS YOUR ATTORNEY, WE'LL TAKE HIM

FOR ALL HE'S GOT,

OR MY NAME ISN' CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.

Man:
PIROT, LET'S GE A MOVE ON.

THE COSTUME BALL

MUST BE PERFECT.

DID YOU ARRANGE FOR

THE NOTRE DAME TWINS

TO BE HERE?

THE CHAMPAGNE,

THE ORGANIC HORS D'OEUVRES?

JAZZ BAND?

DON'T FORGET TO PU COKE AND PERFUME BOTTLES

IN EACH BEDROOM.

YES, BOSS.

DANDY MAN. HEY, WHAT TIME

YOU GONNA BE HERE FOR THE BASH?

DON'T KNOW, BRUCIE.

MAYBE I SHOULD PASS

ON THIS PARTY:

AND FINALLY DRY OUT.

OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANNA MISS

THIS ONE, I PROMISE YOU.

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE

FOR YOU.

JUST WALK RIGHT ON

UP THE BEACH.

IT'S NOT EVEN A MILE.

BESIDES, THERE'S YOUR

ADORING PUBLIC TO CONSIDER.

YOU WIN, BRUCIE.

NO WONDER YOU BAG

ALL THOSE MERGERS

AT MORGAN STANFIELD.

OKAY, CATCH YA LATER.

( knocking on door )

TAKE JUST ONE OF EACH

AT BEDTIME, NOT BEFORE.

YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT TO

DAILY BLOOD AND URINE TESTS.

NO DRIVING, EXCEPT FOR

THE MEN'S GROUP,

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE,

DO NOT TAKE ANY:

DRUGS OR ALCOHOL.

Man:
ARE YOU PLAYING?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

( men continue

chattering )

JESUS.

I GOT TO KEEP MY IMAGE

WHILE SUSPENDED FROM MY THRONE

THAT LOOKS OUT UPON MY KINGDOM

FULL OF PEOPLE ALL UNKNOWN

WHO IMAGINE I'M NOT HUMAN

AND MY HEART IS MADE OF STONE

I NEVER HAD NO PROBLEMS

AND MY TOILET'S

TRIMMED WITH CHROME

I'M A MAN,

YES, I AM

AND I CAN'T HELP

BUT LOVE YOU SO:

NO, NO, NO

I'M A MAN,

YES, I AM

AND I CAN'T HELP

BUT LOVE YOU SO:

NO, NO, NO

YES, I AM

NO, NO, NO

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

HEY, HEY, HEY

YES, I AM

( men chattering nearby )

TWO PAIR, ACES UP,

READ 'EM AND WEEP, SUCKERS!

THE DANDY MAN'S HERE!

RISE, GRASSHOPPERS.

WHERE'S THE CHOW?

I'M FAMISHED.

INTRODUCE ME IMMEDIATELY

TO THAT DARK-HAIRED MIRAGE,

OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO

A MAN FROM THE TOAD YOU ARE.

Bruce:
YOU MEAN

CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.

OKAY, MY MAN.

TAKE THIS FOR GOOD LUCK.

JUST WAIT UNTIL HE DISCOVERS

SHE'S A KARATE BLACK BELT.

AND HER FATHER'S

EVEN RICHER THAN HIS.

DIDN'T YOU FORGE MY CHANGE AT McDONALD'S

THIS AFTERNOON?

AND I ASKED FOR:

THE ONION RINGS,

NOT THE FRIES.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I HOPE I CAN FIND A WAY

TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

CHAMPAGNE!

I'M DAN TOPLER,

AND NO, I'M ON

THE WAGON JUST NOW.

- UH...

- CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON.

MY FRIENDS CALL ME CHARLIE.

SO YOU'RE

THE DANDY MAN.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN

PANTING TO MEET YOU.

LET'S GET ON

THE WAGON TOGETHER.

JUST HAVE:

A SQUOSH.

IT'S PRONOUNCED

"SKOSH."

OKAY. SKOSH.

HAVE ONE.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER,

AND SO WILL YOUR WAGON.

ONE MORE.

SHOULD WE TELL HIM THA CHARLIE'S COME FROM

THE DARK SIDE?

HE'LL FIND OU SOON ENOUGH.

( people cheering

and cat-calling )

Man:
SHE'S

A KILLER, DAN!

- JUDGE KARAMEL?

- JUDGE WHO?

THAT'S HAUTE COUTURE,

YOU IMBECILE.

BLESS YOU,

OFFICER FRANKLIN.

Bernstein:
I COULD LOCK

YOU UP IN A STRAITJACKE FOR THE NEXT YEAR,

OR I COULD TIE YOU UP

AND HAVE LINDA SPOON-FEED YOU

MOST OF YOUR MEALS.

AN INTERN WOULD COME IN

AND REMOVE YOUR POTTY FOR YOU,

WHEN HE REMEMBERS.

IS THIS WHA YOU REALLY WANT?

DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ALMOS DIED RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME,

YOU LITTLE MORON?

I LIKED YOU BETTER

AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN

THAN YOUR NEW ROLE

AS NURSE RATCHED.

I DON'T CARE HOW ROTTEN

YOU FEEL TOMORROW, DANIEL.

YOU MUST ATTEND:

THE DISCUSSION GROUP.

THIS IS YOUR FINAL

CHANCE WITH ME,

OR I'M SHIPPING YOU

UP TO PRISON.

GOT IT?

OH, BOY.

THIS FUNERAL'S EVEN MORE SOMBER

THAN THEY USUALLY ARE.

DID YOU FIX MY LUNCH,

BY THE WAY?

THE CURRIED EGG SALAD

SANDWICH WITH THE PICKLE

ON THE TOP,

THE WAY I LIKE IT.

- YES, REVEREND PILATUS.

- THAT'S GOOD.

OH, I SHOULD'VE

BEGGED OFF THIS GIG.

I NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN

ACCEPTED THIS SERVICE,

EXCEPT THAT HIS DAUGHTER

HAS MADE A TREMENDOUS DONATION.

HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE,

AND SHE IS:

A PIECE OF WORK.

( trills tongue )

WHAT'S CHARLOTTE DAVIDSON'S

PERSONAL CASH FLOW?

WITH DADDY DEAD,

AND COMBINED WITH

HER TRUST FUNDS,

I'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE

WHOO! AND DEBT?

MAYBE 500.

MILLION.

NO. $500.

SHE PAYS IN CASH.

YOU MEAN THIS DAME

INHERITED A COMPANY

WORTH TWO BILLION SMACKERS,

AND SHE OWES 500 BUCKS?

YES, AND THAT'S JUS AN AVERAGE OF HER

MONTHLY CREDIT CARD BILL.

IT COULD BE LESS.

WHAT ABOUT CHARLOTTE HERSELF?

PERSONAL HABITS,

FRIENDS?

SHE'S A BIG-TIME

PARTY GIRL AND ATHLETE.

A KARATE BLACK BELT,

AND SHE REGULARLY

WINS COMPETITIONS.

A DIVORCE ATTORNEY,

ONLY FOR WOMEN,

AND PRETTY GOOD AT IT,

JUDGING BY ALL HER

CLIENTS' AWARDS.

SHE WINS EVERY TIME

IN COURT,

AND LIKES TO POUND

MEN TO THE GROUND.

GREAT. A MONSTROUSLY RICH,

KUNG FU, TIGHTWAD,

LITIGATING BALL BUSTER

STANDS IN THE WAY

OF THIS MERGER.

YOU MUST BE ZOE,

MY DEAR.

NO ONE'S EVER CALLED ME

THAT BUT MY FATHER.

YES, YOUR FATHER GANYMEDE

AND I WERE GREAT FRIENDS.

AND YOU ARE?

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I'M BARRY BLACKMON,

PROFESSOR OF GREEK

AND ROMAN HISTORY.

AND I MUST SAY,

YOUR FATHER WOULD

BE SO HAPPY:

TO KNOW YOU WERE

DRESSED THE WAY YOU ARE,

IN THE GREEK TRADITION

OF WHITE,

CELEBRATING THE IMMORTALITY

OF THE SPIRIT,

AS OPPOSED TO BLACK,

MOURNING A PASSED SOUL.

YOUR FATHER OFTEN TOLD ME

OVER A GLASS OF WINE

JUST HOW BEAUTIFUL

HIS DAUGHTER WAS.

I HAD NO IDEA:

HOW UNDERSTATED:

HIS WORDS WERE.

DADDY SAID HE LOVED

LOOKING THROUGH HIS TELESCOPE

AT THE CONSTELLATION

TAURUS,

BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM

OF ME...

BULL-HEADED

BUT SENSITIVE.

SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

ANOTHER TIME,

MISS DAVIDSON.

ANOTHER TIME.

AS YOU WERE SAYING,

MY DEAR.

( sighs )

DADDY NEVER SHOWED ME

HOW TO USE HIS TELESCOPE.

WHAT A SHAME.

PERHAPS I COULD SHOW YOU.

YOUR FATHER BOUGH THE ONE THAT I RECOMMENDED.

OH, HE DID.

PERHAPS WE COULD

GET TOGETHER AND DISCUSS

HOW I COULD CONTINUE

HIS LOVE OF ANTIQUITY.

OF COURSE, ZOE.

HOW SWEET OF YOU

TO CONSIDER IT.

AND WHO IS THIS:

CHARMING FRIEND OF YOURS?

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