Excuse Me for Living Page #8

---

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I NEVER LOVED:

ANYONE BUT YOU, HONEYBUNCH.

I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER

LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN.

FOR ME NOW, A WOMAN

IS JUST LIKE A MAN...

A MAN WHO'S HAD A TRAGIC

BOATING ACCIDENT.

( phone ringing )

- LAURA?

- SHE'S ON HER

WAY TO L.F.O.D.

I'M SO SORRY, DAN.

I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS

CAN GET BACK TOGETHER.

UH, THANKS, CHARLIE.

I TOLD YOU:

NOT TO TALK TO ME.

THEN WHY ARE YOU

STANDING AROUND:

WAITING FOR ME?

I WAS BEHIND THE TREE

WATCHING YOU.

GO FOR IT!

CHARLOTTE TAUGHT ME

HOW TO DO THAT.

OW. WELL, THANK HER

FOR ME, WOULD YA?

ALSO, KISS HER

LIKE THIS.

TELL HER WE'RE

ALL EVEN NOW.

WORLD WAR III IS OVER.

THIS DOESN'T CHANGE

ANYTHING BETWEEN US, DANNY.

YOU'RE STILL

A SELF-CENTERED,

UNFOCUSED, UNEMPLOYED

DRUGGIE.

AND THOSE ARE:

MY GOOD POINTS.

COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS,

BUT THEY WORK THEM OUT.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

EVERYTHING IS JUS FUN AND GAMES WITH YOU.

AND I STILL CAN' DISOBEY MY FATHER'S WISHES

ABOUT OUR SEEING

EACH OTHER.

WE'RE THROUGH.

AFTER TONIGHT.

YES!

I NEED A LIFT TO

THE MEN'S GROUP TONIGHT.

MAYBE AN INTRO TO

THAT ATHLETIC DAME FROM TOPLER

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN

SUCH A BAD IDEA.

- Lars:
MAY I HELP YOU?

- HUH?

YEAH, SURE.

YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR

A DANIEL, UH...

UH...

OH, YES.

YOU MUST MEAN:

DANIEL TOPLER.

YEAH, THAT'S HIM.

SAD CASE.

I'M HIS PHYSICIAN HERE.

OH, YEAH?

I HOPE I'M NO SPEAKING OUT OF TURN.

ARE YOU A RELATIVE?

NO, JUS AN ACQUAINTANCE KINDA.

WE'RE IN THE SAME

MEN'S CLUB.

I SEE, I SEE.

THEN PERHAPS YOU DON' NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS

OF HIS HOMICIDAL

TENDENCIES.

ARE YOU SAYING:

HE WANTS TO KILL PEOPLE?

SIR, PLEASE,

DON'T BE CONCERNED.

TO OUR KNOWLEDGE,

HE'S NEVER BEEN SUCCESSFUL.

ALTHOUGH,

WE CAN'T BE SURE.

I HAVE TO WATCH:

MY WORDS.

A LITIGATION PRECAUTION.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

MAYBE I DON'T NEED

TO SEE HIM TODAY.

I CAN SEE:

I'VE ALARMED YOU,

MISTER...

MAVIS. MORTY MAVIS.

MORTY MAVIS.

AH, MORTY.

MAY I CALL YOU THAT?

YES, PLEASE.

LISTEN, MORTY,

WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?

WELL, I DON'T HAVE

TOO MUCH TIME.

I'D LIKE TO SPEAK

CONFIDENTIALLY WITH YOU,

IF I MAY, MORTY.

WHY ARE YOU:

REALLY HERE?

LOOK AT YOUR:

ELEGANT CLOTHES,

AND YOUR OILY HAIR

CAREFULLY COMBED.

I CAN SMELL:

A FRESHLY APPLIED

AFTERSHAVE LOTION.

YOU'RE HERE TO CHASE

SOME WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?

YOU REPROBATE.

IT CAN'T BE ONE OF

THE PUTRESCENT SCAGS

INCARCERATED:

IN THIS HELL HOLE,

SO MUST BE:

SOME STAFF MEMBER?

NOW LET ME THINK

WHO THE LUCKY LADY

MIGHT BE.

THAT'S ALL TRUE, YA KNOW,

BUT I ALSO, I'M LOOKING

FOR DANIEL TOPLER.

WHY AM I HERE?

CAN IT BE THA WE'RE ALL HERE

JUST TO WATCH TV,

PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD,

AND EAT THE CRAP

THEY SERVE IN THIS

BOOBY HATCH?

I'M NOT SURE

I FOLLOW YOU, DOCTOR.

YOU DO KNOW:

LIVE FREE OR DIE

IS A REHABILITATION

CLINIC?

I HAVE HEARD SOMETHING

TO THAT EFFECT.

THE STAFF HAS TO

SUGARCOAT IT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THIS IS A NUT HOUSE.

OH.

AND THAT DANIEL TOPLER,

OH, LORD! HE'S THE BIGGES NUT HERE.

IS THAT THE KIND

OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE,

MORTON MAVIS?

YOU KNOW, I REALLY

HAVE TO BE GOING.

JUST STAY:

WHERE YOU ARE,

MR. LOONEY TUNES FRIEND

OF DANIEL TOPLER'S.

SEE? SEE WHAT I MEAN,

JEHOVAH?

THE PERNICIOUS:

TOPLER CONSPIRATOR,

LIKE THIS PATHETIC

SINNER,

ARE OFF THEIR ROCKERS!

AND HERE AM I,

DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN...

BY COINCIDENCE,

I HAPPEN TO KNOW

A DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.

WILL YOU PLEASE:

SHUT YOUR YAP?!

I'M THE SENIOR

NUTCRACKER HERE,

AND I HAVE TO PUT UP

WITH INSANE PATIENTS,

AND THEIR WACKO:

VISITORS, TOO.

( shrieking )

OY!

SO ALBERT WENT BACK

TO HIS WIFE.

THAT LITTLE FAT RAT.

- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?

- WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY?

OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE

SUCKING ON THE GIANT BINKY?

YEAH, THAT MAMZER.

IT'S LARS.

HE'S A GUEST HERE.

HE'S HARMLESS.

HARMLESS.

UH, I'M LOOKING FOR

DANIEL TOPLER.

HE TOLD ME I COULD

GET TENNIS LESSONS

FROM THE ATHLETIC

CHEERLEADER HERE.

KIM NOVAK LOOKALIKE.

SOMEONE WHO MIGH POSSIBLY LOOK LIKE YOU,

- MISSUS, UH...

- MISS BUSHKIN.

I'M SURE DANNY

WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.

I AM THE ATHLETIC

DIRECTOR HERE A LIVE FREE OR DIE.

I'VE BEEN TOLD THA I RESEMBLE THE STAR

OF VERTIGO,

BUT IT WAS:

SO MANY YEARS AGO.

HOW LONG AGO:

COULD THAT HAVE BEEN?

I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU JUST GOT OUT OF

GRADE SCHOOL.

WOULD YOUR WIFE:

LIKE LESSONS, TOO?

WELL, SADLY,

MY WIFE AND I:

HAVE BEEN DIVORCED

MANY YEARS,

AND, UH, I LIVE ALONE

IN A MANSION:

WITH A GIANT, SUB-ZERO FRIDGE

WITH ICEMAKER, I MIGHT ADD.

OLYMPIC-SIZED

SWIMMING POOL.

GRASS TENNIS COURTS.

GRASS, HUH?

THAT MUST BE:

VERY EXPENSIVE,

YOU POOR MAN.

SO WHEN WOULD YOU

LIKE YOUR LESSONS?

I'M ONLY FREE NIGHTS

AND WEEKENDS.

HOW ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?

I'LL GO AHEAD

AND CALL DAN.

- I DON'T KNOW...

- DAN TOPLER.

OOH, NO.

NO, DON'T BOTHER.

I DON'T NEED

THE KID NOW.

I FOUND WHAT I WANTED.

MEN, I HAVE TO

CONFESS SOMETHING.

I HOPE YOU'LL LET ME

CONTINUE TO COME.

I'M NOT A MEDICAL SCHOOL

STUDENT.

I'M A PATIENT OF JACK'S,

AND TRYING TO RECUPERATE

AT A REHAB CLINIC.

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

YOU THINK JACK:

WOULDN'T TELL HIS FRIENDS

THAT HE WAS BRINGING

SOME NUT CASE TO OUR MEETINGS?

( laughter )

YOU'RE DOING

A GREAT JOB AS:

OUR NEW LEADER.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

GREAT. UH, THAT'S I FOR TONIGHT, GUYS.

DR. BERNSTEIN'S DAUGHTER

IS PICKING ME UP

AND TAKING ME TO THE HOSPITAL

AS A FAVOR TO HER DAD.

BULLSHIT.

I KNOW JACK'S

DAUGHTER LAURA.

LAURA BERNSTEIN.

OF COURSE.

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED

HER FROM THE FUNERAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT WAS

GOIN' ON IN THE CAR

THE OTHER NIGHT?

YOU AND LAURA,

YOU COULD'VE

CHARGED TICKETS.

WATCHED ALL THOSE FIREWORKS.

SO WHAT ELSE IS GOIN' ON

IN YOUR LIFE?

COME ON,

COME CLEAN WITH US.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

MAYBE A LOT MORE.

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER,

IS THAT IT?

WELL, WE WERE IN

THE MIDDLE OF THIS FIGHT,

AND THIS FANTASTIC WOMAN--

- YOU MEAN LAURA?

NO, ANOTHER WOMAN

NAMED CHARLOTTE.

PRACTICALLY A HYPNOTIST.

SHE'S A DIVORCE ATTORNEY

AND GOOD BUDDY OF LAURA'S,

SCREWED MY BRAINS OU

FRIDAY NIGHT,

KICKS ME OUT OF HER

CENTRAL PARK PENTHOUSE,

AND THEN,

SHE TELLS LAURA!

( men exclaiming )

SO I'M IN DEEP DOO-DOO.

YOU'RE LAYIN'

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S

BEST FRIEND?

THEY'RE YOUNG.

GO FIGURE IT OUT.

WAS THIS LAS FRIDAY NIGHT, DAN?

UH, YES.

WHY, BARRY?

NO REASON.

I'M JUST GETTING OLD,

AND SLOW TO REALIZE IT.

I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT TO

THE TRAIN STATION, BARRY.

I THINK I'LL WALK.

THANK YOU, HARRY.

( tea kettle whistling )

HELLO, LOVE.

HOW'S THE ANCIENT ORDER

OF GRUMPY MEN?

I AM NO A MODERN MAN, ZOE.

I TOLD YOU THA IN THE PARK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I KNOW YOU'RE

AN OLD FUDDY-DUDDY.

THAT'S WHY

I LOVE YOU.

ONE OF THE MEN:

PRODDED A PATIEN OF JACK BERNSTEIN'S

ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE.

DANIEL TOPLER.

I THINK YOU KNOW HIM.

BARRY...

HE DIDN'T MENTION

HER LAST NAME,

BUT SHE WAS A DELIRIOUSLY

MAGICAL WOMAN NAMED CHARLOTTE.

A DIVORCE ATTORNEY

WHO LIVED OVERLOOKING

CENTRAL PARK,

- DRAGGED HIM INTO

HER BEDROOM--

- BARRY, PLEASE.

- IF I TOLD YOU WHAT--

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes