Expresso Bongo Page #4

Poor bastard.

Look, kid, you don't have

to go back to the Fun Fair.

We can fix up a contract

over a nice cup of hot, milky coffee.

Well, I'll just have a few shots.

You know, it sort of relieves my feelings.

All right, be my guest.

Hey, Bert. Your old man's been around.

Oh, stow the old man!

Look, the kid's a little off colour

this morning.

- Give him a dozen shots.

- But he shoots off more than he sells.

Who cares about a few legalities?

Good shot.

After all,

the relationship between a manager

and artiste is one of friendship.

You're a great shot, kid. Takes me back

to my few weeks in the Guards.

So, um...

So, we hand in the old resignation,

turn our backs on all of the fun

at the Fun Fair,

and we go along to Leon's Expresso.

Are you listening to me, Bertie?

That's better.

I guess I feel all right now.

You can tell the guv I'm jacking it in.

Oh, your courage will be rewarded,

my boy. Just sign here.

Now, let's get this straight.

Are you offering me money

for bashing the bongos?

And your singing. Don't forget

the real gold part of your talent.

- So, when do I get the money?

- You're holding up business.

- This is business!

- It is?

Now, look, my boy, we'll start you off

modestly on the expresso circuit.

A lovely, loud little joint,

just around the corner.

We'll crash off from there.

England's only chance of getting

to the moon next.

Sign here, you talented little child.

Do I get the money now?

Eventually. On this five-year contract,

- we go 50-50, all right?

- Fifty what?

All right, if that's the way you

feel about it, 50-50.

- Shake.

- So, how much do I get?

Look, from now on, half of everything

you earn is going to go to you.

Bert Rudge.

Hmm, a nice, honest, square name,

but just a teeny bit uncommercial.

Now, let me see.

Uh, Crasher, Basher, Banger...

I've got it! Bongo! Bongo Herbert!

There we are, all signed and witnessed.

- Witnessed? Who's the witness, then?

- I'm the witness, then.

Maisie King? Is that you?

Maisie's a friend,

who, not knowing how to write,

gives me the use of her signature.

What will I tell the guv'nor, then?

Tell him to put up a plaque.

"Bongo Herbert worked here." Come on, kid.

First, Mary Queen of Scots in kiltie.

All right, where are you, Mary?

Hold it! Hold it!

And who's the historical expert

who thought up that combination?

Well, it's not easy, Charlie.

They just sent along

a box of assorted tops.

You didn't expect to go on television

in the buff, did ya?

This is a decent, respectable country.

You wouldn't talk to us like that

if we had a union.

- Oh, belt up and break for coffee!

- Great!

Hello, you.

- Hello, star-maker!

- Hail, Caesar! Oh, Maisie.

Hi, Johnny. Do you want some coffee?

Hey, what's all the overdress for?

Royal visit?

We've got 10 seconds

on some television show,

so we're going straight.

Well, don't let it become a habit.

Now, look, Maisie, I want you to make

a telephone call for me.

Why can't you make it?

Because I won't be here.

I'll be at Garrick Records.

Which is where I want you to telephone

me at 11:
45 precisely and ask for me.

But you know it's against the rules

to use the telephone.

So give Charlie half-a-crown for his cut

in the infringement.

- What do you want me to say?

- At 11:
45 precisely,

I want you to say, 'This is HMV.

'Could we please speak

to Bongo Herbert's manager?'

Repeat the message.

This is HMV. Could we please speak

to Bongo Herbert's manager?

Who's Bongo Herbert?

I've just signed him today.

He's that great kid we heard last night.

Fast work, eh?

What's all this HMV jazz?

Now, look, Maisie, you get on

with your act and I'll get on with mine.

11:
45 on the dot.

- Mr Mayer.

- Yes?

There's someone to see you.

Mr Johnny Jackson.

- Johnny Jackson?

- Used to arrange music for you.

- Says it's urgent. Would you see him?

- Normally, no.

But at this moment, a pleasure!

Mr Mayer, how are you keeping?

I'm surviving, Johnny,

but it's against my own nature.

Are you looking for work?

Work? Haven't you heard? I'm a manager.

Is the business so short of managers,

it has to drag good musicians away

from their instruments?

- Who wants to listen to good musicians?

- I want to listen to good musicians.

Funny to think, Johnny, that you

and Aida are both things of the past.

That's what happens

if you're modern in your time.

Not bad, eh?

Hmm, she'll do well.

She's got gloss, schmaltz,

and she carries her jewelled mink

as to a manor born.

Just booked her show for television.

That's what it is today.

- So, what's on your mind, Johnny?

- I've got a boy.

Oi, please, Johnny, not you also.

Everybody's got a boy!

Instead of eating their fingernails today,

they wear them down with the guitar.

But this boy's got

a completely new gimmick.

Yes, he plays the guitar with his nose.

All right!

All right, so I bring you a talent

because you're an old friend,

and you treat me like schnorrer!

Look, Johnny,

for the sake of our old association,

maybe I could find you

a few arrangements to do.

Mr Mayer, I'm not asking for charity,

I'm offering you Bongo Herbert!

- What for a name, Bongo Herbert?

- All the big companies are after him.

Why, Nixa, Philips, even HMV!

Sure, sure, sure. And he'll be in

the next Command Performance?

- All right.

- Do me a personal favour.

That's I'm trying to do.

I've got so many

of these young schmendricks.

All right, you made your point.

Nice to have seen you again, Mr Mayer.

- What do you make the time?

- Almost 11:
45.

Thank you, Johnny. All the best.

Go in health.

- Stomach tablets?

- Yes. New kind.

Have one. 40% more pepsin.

Listening to all this dreck

has made me a double ulcer man.

I know how you feel,

I got the same trouble.

- You're an ulcer man?

- Am I an ulcer man!

Good. Now you begin to sound

like you're a manager.

I can taste the extra pepsin!

Sorry not to do business

on this occasion. But who knows...

The telephone, Mr Mayer.

Never mind the phone.

To see an old friend!

Could be important.

What's more important than friendship?

Well, something could have dropped out

of the top 10.

- Top 10?

- Top 10!

- Who is it?

- HMV, Mr Mayer.

They want Bongo Herbert's manager.

I'm sorry, Mr Mayer, but, well,

things are popping. You don't mind?

- It's a pleasure.

- Thank you. Hello?

Johnny Jackson speaking,

Bongo Herbert's manager.

- We're calling about Bongo Herbert.

- Oh, yes, that's right.

Well, I can't give you

a decision right now.

Well, you see, I've got a deal pending

for Bongo elsewhere.

Well, of course your offer's

very attractive, but, uh...

Well, we'll be in touch.

And thank you for calling. Goodbye.

Again, marvellous to see you, Mr Mayer.

I'm sorry we can't do anything.

Maybe next time.

Just a minute. Sit down, please.

- I don't want to waste your time.

- So, where is this boy of yours?

You want to see him

in his right setting, Mr Mayer.

All right, so bring him along

and empty us a cradle.

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