Expresso Bongo Page #6

But you can be frank with me, Mr Mayer.

What's your feeling about this boy?

- Nausea, nausea!

- Nausea?

When I see this little bleeder

and compare him with Aida, nausea

Nausea

A boy who owns an Austin-Healey

Twice as great as Beni Gigli

Nausea

All your life, you should be so sick.

When this talent's in the lolly,

if you take the risk

You'll make more than Bobby Rawley

from his nauseating disc

Call this music? What a scandal

In his grave is turning Handel

Nausea, nausea, nausea

All he need's a crew cut,

a sweatshirt and some jeans

And he'll be better box office

than all your... Hey!

When I hear these coffee barmen

And think what they did

to Carmen, nausea

Nausea

Years ago, they would be failure

Now, they're cutting out Sibelius

Nausea, nausea

So try to sell the meister singers

in expresso bars

All they want is shyster singers

plucking back on their guitars

When I think of Don Pasquale

And compare him

with this Charlie, nausea

Nausea, nausea

I want you to know, Mr Mayer,

that I appreciate your frankness.

With opera, I lost my shirt.

Yet, from this rock dreck, I make money.

All right, I'll give you 35 for one disc,

two sides of your Bongo, no royalty.

- It's a deal?

- Hard cash.

It's a special concession to

an ulcer man, and in cash.

- It's a deal.

- Good.

- One, two and...

- Hello, Johnny.

What do you think of them?

Oh, kinky, but nice, nice!

Fetches me quite a new class of clientele.

Good, let me be your financial adviser.

Always ready to try something new.

Invest in a car. Love on wheels.

It's the safest thing.

I think you've got something there.

Where do they put these things?

Now, Penelope, you've been warned.

It's a fine thing if a girl

can't look up a used car bargain.

Hi.

So, what's high?

Things have reached an all-time low.

- Now what's happened?

- Exactly nothing.

It's a week since I signed Bongo

to make a record, no record.

A week since he opened at the Tom-Tom,

no paragraphs.

- At least you got some money.

- Money? You call this money?

Two pounds, seven shillings and nine pence

and a life membership at the Tom-Tom.

- Money is useless.

- Is that all you've got left?

At this rate, Bongo's going to be

a very old teenager

before I can retire

to the south of France.

But the advanced singing lessons,

Johnny. You promised.

Never. Not since I was a boy scout.

You said the next...

Sorry, doll,

you'll have to keep on stripping.

At this rate,

I'm gonna be a very old stripper

before I can retire

to the south of France.

Oh, that's the brave little artiste.

- What's for lunch?

- Guess.

Same as I've been guessing for

the last 3,000 Thursdays, spaghetti.

- It's special today, though.

- You mean it's not overcooked?

- Remember what day it is?

- Black Thursday.

- It's our anniversary.

- Congratulations. Of what?

Two years ago, today, you bought me

my first salt beef sandwich.

Why do women always want to

remember such things?

Well, they do.

- Why, I don't know.

- Now, look, Maisie doll,

with all my money,

do we have to eat off newspapers?

They're the lunch edition. I thought

they'd give you an appetite. Look.

That, with meatballs and the spaghetti,

is my anniversary present to you.

- Timber!

- How hungry are you?

'Cosmorama presents...'

Oh, it's just like I thought.

Just like you thought?

Yeah, that's why I told him

to hog that camera.

You didn't know they'd plaster

the newspapers with his face.

'Cosmorama presents Teenage Rebellion,

BBC Television.

'Saturday Night. 8:30.'

Well, oh, I didn't know for sure,

but I knew! I knew!

That's one thing I've got against you,

Johnny Jackson.

In all the two years you've been

my sole agent,

you'll never admit you don't know...

Still out of order! Why do I pay for it?

- It's out of order because you don't.

- Oh.

Get this junk off the table!

You're ruining these valuable newspapers.

That junk happens to be

our anniversary lunch.

Where are you going?

I've gotta organise Mayer,

the press... Oh, and Gilbert Harding!

But the food's ready!

Listen, Maisie doll,

when I'm cooking, you shouldn't be!

- I even got some wine! Red wine!

- Well, keep it warm!

I hate wine! I hate meatballs!

And I hate agents!

I wish I could hate

your method of lovin'

I wish I could hate

those dangerous charms

But what's a girl gonna do

who hates to love you

When she loves to hate in your arms?

I'm longing to loathe

your lovable laughter

I want to be footloose, fancy and free

But when I'm footloose and free,

it's you I fancy

Oh, worry, go-lucky me

I wish I could kill

our beautiful friendship

I wish I could douse

your passionate flame

But what's a girl gonna do

who aims to miss you

When she's always missing her aim?

I'd like to forget past,

present and future

If only my head and heart could agree

But you're my past

and my future at the present

Don't know if I hate to love you

or love to hate you

Worry, go-lucky me

One, two, three. I arranged

to get my boy national advertising,

a 45-minute programme,

weekend peak viewing,

and you haven't even got his disc out yet!

He sings on this programme?

What else can he do?

Interview the Queen Mother?

- Fix a recording session this afternoon.

- This afternoon?

Don't give me problems! Fix it!

Your boy's disc will be in the shops

late on Monday. Satisfied?

Satisfied. You've made

a wise decision, Mr Mayer.

This will restore the public's faith

in Garrick Records.

I suppose he's a likeable fellow.

- Cosmorama. Which studio, please?

- Studio six. Got an appointment?

Special urgent delivery.

Gilbert Harding. Personal.

I'll phone him through.

Oh, it's more than my job's worth

to keep him waiting.

- Hey, you've got to be announced!

- I'm not proud.

Yes, I know, boy, I know.

You may very well be right.

But my personal view

has always been very strong.

The Archbishop should come in

through there.

Oh, my dear Mr Harding.

I'd like to congratulate you

on the publicity

for your Teenage Rebellion programme.

- Extremely kind of you, I'm sure.

- Sensational, just sensational.

- Haven't we met before?

- Oh, it's not impossible.

My show business interests are extensive.

As I was saying,

the ads for your programme are fabulous.

Well, I'm so grateful to you,

but as you see, we're very busy.

You see, I happen to be

closely related to this Bongo Herbert.

The boy you're featuring in your advert.

Oh, yes. You his father?

- Uh, no, closer than that. Manager.

- Hmm.

I'm afraid we cannot allow you

to use the film material of our client.

But we've made him the keynote.

He runs through the whole film.

I'm afraid our lawyers feel that

this programme of yours,

praiseworthy as it may well be,

is denigratory to

our client's professional status.

Would you care to see the documents?

We had no idea

the boy had any professional status.

My dear Harding, the kid has records

coming out all the time.

Why, Garrick Records have an immense

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