Faces Page #4

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going blind, okay?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Do we emasculate you?

Poor little boy losing his virility.

Well, I don't have it anymore!

- What happened to it, huh?

- I just don't appeal to you.

Oh, you appeal to me all right.

When I come home,

you appeal to me.

- When I'm at the office, you appeal to me.

- I am not a sex machine!

- No, you want to go to the movies!

- Because I'm bored.

That's how you get your jollies!

- Don't be crude!

- Crude, schmude. I'm crude!

- The minute you get home,

you wanna jump into bed.

- That's the general idea.

[Both Laughing]

Why did Why did the man throw

throw the clock out the window? Huh?

He wanted to see time fly.

What does Dracula do

every night at midnight?

He takes a coffin break!

What What is it

that's blue and whistles...

and hangs in a delicatessen?

Aren't you gonna say

say, "But a herring doesn't whistle"?

Huh? Aren't you gonna say,

"But a herring isn't blue"?

You're not gonna say that?

How can I get to the joke?

[Both Laughing]

What is

What is it...

that weighs 5,000 pounds

and has got a stick through it?

A "hippo-popsicle."

What What What is it

that's black and white and red all over?

- A newspaper.

- No. A zebra's ass.

You don't think

I'm very funny, do ya, huh?

Of course I think you're funny.

Well, I could

I could be funnier, you know.

- I really could.

- Maybe you're...

- If I tried a little harder.

- Not all that funny.

Good night.

Good night.

- Dickie, I'm sorry.

- I want a divorce.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

- Did you hear what I said?

- Oh, Dickie.

I want a divorce.

That's the only thing to do, isn't it?

Well, why don't you laugh?

It's funny.

Well, what's your answer?

Answer me!

Hello, Jeannie?

Hold on a minute.

I'll send for my clothes in the morning.

I'm not coming back.

I'm on the phone.

This is Richard Forst. Hi.

I'd like to see you tonight.

Well, it's very important.

Well, how busy are you?

Well, I could meet you

at the Losers Club.

Twenty, 30 minutes.

Take as long as you like.

Fine.

I'll see you later.

[Applause]

[Woman]

# Wars have come and wars have gone #

#History, it goes on and on #

#Ever since this world began #

#Love not war has conquered man #

[Man]

# Caesar tried to gain control #

#Through his wealth

and through his gold #

[Woman]

#Yeah, then Cleo played her hand #

#And love conquered

just as planned #

[Man]

# Henry Windsor went to eight #

[Woman]

# He knew how to celebrate #

# But when he reached for nine and 10 #

# Love not war

then conquered him #

# Give up

You're through #

- # You'll never get away from it #

- [Chattering]

# Why try

I'm telling you #

# This lovin'stuff is here with us

till the day we die #

[Man]

#Stonewall Jackson played it rough #

[Woman]

#Love to him was kiddie stuff #

[Man]

# Yeah, but Stoney swore that he'd never fall #

[Woman]

#But love cracked that old Stonewall #

[Together]

# Give up, you're through #

# You'll never get away from it #

# Why try

I'm telling you #

# This lovin'stuff is here with us

till the day we die #

# We're #

# Talking to you, friends #

#Love's goin'to get you #

#In the end #

[Woman]

#It's all part of nature's plan #

[Together]

#Love will always conquer man #

#Love will always conquer man #

#Love ##

[Siren Wailing In Distance]

[Man] If you think I look like silly

in this outfit, you oughta see me in a bathing suit.

- I look like a pair of pliers with a Band-Aid on.

- [Laughter]

I'm in I'm in such bad shape.

[Clears Throat]

- I really am.

- [Laughter]

[Clears Throat]

I got a frog in my throat.

First meat that's passed

that way in an hour.

- [No Audible Dialogue]

- [Applause]

I just wanted you to see my suit.

SeersuckerSears made it,

and you're lookin'at the sucker that bought it.

[Laughter]

On top of that, I'm so flat-footed,

when I get out of the bathtub...

somebody has to rock me back and forth

to break the suction.

[Laughter]

But, uh...

the postman came

with a letter and, uh...

told me that the Great Society

was having a war on poverty.

So, uh, I told him if that was true,

I wanted to be the first to surrender.

- [Laughter]

- [Applause]

[Laughter]

There once was a girl from

[Indistinct]...

who played the violin.

Uh Uh, she tucked it

under her chin.

She plucked at her strings

[Woman]

Like angel wings.

[Man] She plucked at her strings,

among numerous things...

and tucked it under her chin.

[Both Laughing]

- Well, Mr. McCarthy.

- Jim.

[Mimicking Irish Accent]

Jamie McCarthy.

- [Chuckling] Jamie.

- Oh, that's a fine name. Fine.

- My mother used to call meJamie.

- Did she now?

- Say, how would you like to call me Mother?

- Come on, will ya?

I'm old enough

to be your father.

Listen. Listen.

- In that case, I'd like some fatherly advice.

- All right.

- I have a terrible problem.

- What's your problem, daughter?

- Well, this, uh this fellow, a friend

- Mm-hmm.

[Continues Irish Accent]

An Irish friend.

He just called me from the bar...

and he's in terrible trouble

and wants me to come rescue him.

- What do you think of that?

- What do you think of it?

Well, I'm asking for your advice.

You're the wise one.

Be a hero. Tell me.

Come on.

- Hey, Jackson.

- Yo.

- [Laughing]

- Hey, Jackson.

Remember the time

we went to New Orleans on a bet?

Yes, sir, I do.

We stayed up all night

screaming at the top of our lungs.

We had a

We had a

My nose itches.

- We had a

- Going to kiss a fool?

Yeah, I know.

We had a couple bimbos.

No, actually, they were very nice girls.

- They reminded me a lot of you two.

- Oh.

But they knew more dirty limericks

than you could shake a stick at.

- How nice.

- Well, I knew a guy who used to make

them up and sell them.

Really? He must have been

an ex-convict.

- That's right. Don't look so wide-eyed.

- I'm not wide-eyed.

Do you realize that ex-convicts and jailbirds

are the ones that write all the limericks?

- Not all of them.

- Oh, don't argue with Mr. McCarthy, miss.

Jimmy Arno He wrote a couple

that were really funny. Didn't he, Jeannie?

- That's right. He did.

- Jimmy Arno?

- Mm-hmm.

- Jimmy Arno? Not the Jimmy Arno.

- Do you know him?

- Never heard of him.

[All Laughing]

Aw, come on, now.

What the hell do we care

about two whores?

- [Jeannie] You better watch

- Wait a minute!

- Two whores!

- [Jeannie] I don't want you around!

Come on. Come on.

- You don't want us around?

- That's right.

[Laughing]

Look who's saying she doesn't want us around!

- You're coming on awfully strong.

- Just who in the hell are you, huh?

Just who in the hell are you?

Wait a minute. Take it easy.

What's the matter with you?

Why be so violent?

Take it easy. Just relax.

Wait a minute, Jeannie. Wait, Jeannie.

[Knocks]

I'm sorry.

Can I have a cigarette?

Let me close this door.

All right.

I won't close the door.

Ah, boy, what a life!

Ah, what's the matter, Jeannie?

Don't you like me?

Hmm?

Why not? Come on.

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