Failure to Launch Page #4

There's "coming about,"

which is turning into the wind,

and there's "jibing,"

which is turning away from the wind.

Now, jibing is something that you

never want to do with a rookie onboard,

so let's give it a shot, huh?

Well, wait, wait, wait.

Why is jibing bad?

It's not bad, it's just fun. Jibe ho!

Come on, babe! Let's get over there!

Come on, boy!

Oh, my God!

Nothing like the threat of decapitation

to make it a little more interesting.

Make off this sheet, like so.

Okay.

"Jibe ho" and "making off the sheet"?

That's too many words to learn.

I just want to get a suntan.

Here, take the wheel.

What? Really?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

- We call it the helm.

- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?

I'm going down below.

What's down below?

I don't know, beer, wine, chips, rum.

I don't know. It's not my boat.

But I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm not kidding! Seriously!

You're sailing!

What if I hit something?

I think you'll be okay. Fly.

Wow.

I'm sailing.

Oh, man.

That's gorgeous!

You know, I thought going on a boat

was a good idea because you like it,

but my God! That was great!

You should buy that boat! I mean,

I'm sure it's expensive, but so what?

Well, I like that boat, but I really don't...

Nice.

I don't really want a new boat.

What I would love

is an old wooden boat.

Now, they're a lot more upkeep,

but when you're on one of those,

it's like you're part of something,

you know?

It's like you're connected, you know,

to the original seafaring people

who set sail into the unknown

and said things like,

"Holy crap, that's a big wave!"

So do it. Buy a crummy old boat.

Who cares,

as long as you're out there?

Well, I'm working on it.

The thing is, you gotta be ready.

I mean, it's a big commitment.

And if you're not ready, you just end up,

well, a Ionely guy

with a big boat payment.

Who says you have to be Ionely?

- Hey.

- Oh, hey! Hi!

I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, everyone from work

went to T.G.I. Friday's,

but I don't really like that place.

- Or anyone I work with.

- Oh, good.

So then we can stay in and watch

one of those drinking movies you like.

Yeah.

I smell something.

Do you smell something?

Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

No, that's not it.

I smell fun.

What?

You are a dirty little fun-haver.

That is absurd.

Tripp is a fascinating case.

He doesn't fit the usual profile.

Of losers and shut-ins?

I actually don't even see

why he still lives at home.

He's got a good job,

he's got normal social skills,

he's attractive,

he's really sweet.

That's so nice that you get to hang out

with such a sweet guy every day.

It was a rewarding

and successful work day. That's all.

Okay.

And at the end of it,

I looked into his eyes,

and I saw it.

I've got him.

He is as good as moved out.

It's over. She's gotta go.

You're dumping Paula?

- What happened?

- Same thing that always happens.

Everything is going along

nice and smooth,

we're having a good time,

and all of a sudden, out of nowhere...

She gets serious.

I hate to say it, boys,

but it is time to take the girl home.

- You're doing it again.

- What?

The thing where the woman gets close

and you pull the relationship ripcord.

Guys, it's simple. The fun's gone.

Hey, guys, check this out!

Hey, boy!

Come here, boy. Come here, boy.

What's he saying, Demo?

Where'd you go?

Where'd he go?

- Let me ask you something, Demo.

- Yeah.

How's this surfing

if there are no waves?

Tripp?

Should we go after him?

Well, he's their passenger now.

Passenger?

He just took him underwater!

Take me!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! The son of a b*tch bit me!

So you were bit by a dolphin?

Yeah. And not just any dolphin, either.

This was a great white dolphin,

all right?

I'm lucky to still be here.

What?

Nothing.

Wow!

- This is your house?

- Yeah.

- It's beautiful.

- Thank you.

I like to come home to a nice place.

- Come on in.

- Thank you.

- It's very pretty.

- Thank you.

- You want something to drink?

- Yeah, sure.

Beer? Glass of wine?

- Sure, wine would be great, thanks.

- Glass of wine.

Thanks.

Hey, Mom, Pop,

I thought y'all were going out.

Out? What would we go out for?

We've got those brand-new chairs!

Hello.

Tripp, who's your little friend?

Mom, Dad, this is Paula.

Paula, this is my mom, my dad,

Sue and Al.

Wow! Well!

- Hello. How do you do?

- Hello.

Hi.

It's a great pleasure to meet you both.

Hi, Paula.

Wow.

So you...

You live with your parents.

Is that a problem?

No.

Not for me.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

Oh! Wow. I'd love to. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why?

Well, it smells good,

and I'm really hungry. Aren't you?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

But my mom here, she's cooking dinner.

Like she does most nights.

Right here, where I live,

with them,

in the same house I grew up in.

That's nice.

I'm gonna go mow the lawn.

Well, we're about to sit down...

Might mow the neighbor's, too.

Is this really okay? 'Cause I don't want

to intrude on family time.

Oh, it's fine. I'll set another place.

Okay, thanks.

I'm gonna go help Dad.

Is there...

Is there anything I can do to help?

Listen, I am so sorry.

I had no idea that he was

going to bring me over here.

But you are doing great.

Well, you're not.

I don't know what to tell you, honey,

but that strict program of yours?

You're gonna have to start deviating.

He's breaking up with you.

What?

The only reason

he ever brings girls home to meet us

is 'cause he's getting ready

to dump them.

Really?

Well,

that's not happening.

- Hey, Paula? Hey, sweetie?

- Yes?

I appreciate you staying

for dinner, all right?

And I know that must have been

very awkward.

Not at all.

Not at all?

You don't mind that my parents

are downstairs right now?

They're asleep in their chairs.

Don't stare.

I'm paying for it. I'll stare if I want to.

I'm just saying, you know, they might...

They might hear us.

Why? Are you a screamer?

Paula?

Hey, you're up! Wow, early risers.

Hey, listen.

FYI, work-wise, we're definitely on track.

Things are good. Tripp is good.

Well, actually, he's fantastic.

Of course, I don't need to tell you that.

You're his parents.

I'm just trying to say, you should be

very proud of him.

Well...

You got a lovely home.

I'm sorry, miss, you're not allowed

to eat that in the store.

Fine.

I need to buy a gun.

How much is this big gun here?

That's a 12-gauge shotgun.

That's a pretty powerful weapon.

You know, for a woman your size,

I'd probably recommend something

a little, you know...

More compact?

So I just point, and then I squeeze

the trigger and then boom.

Yeah. What did you say

you were shooting?

Twelve hundred bucks? Wow.

How much are the bullets for this?

Shells. Shotguns use shells.

Anyway. Whatever.

They're 15 bucks for a box of 25.

Okay, I don't need a whole box.

I just need...

one.

You know,

I get sad sometimes, too.

So many pressures in life, you know?

Can I give you a phone number

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