Failure to Launch Page #5

for some people who can help...

Oh, no.

It's like a hotline.

Listen, sunshine, I'm not

- suicidal.

- No, I know.

I just have a problem

with a mockingbird.

Okay,

- you can't kill a mockingbird.

- Why not?

Well, for one, there's the book

To Kill a Mockingbird.

A copy of that, too, right here.

No, it's not a manual

on how to kill mockingbirds.

It's a classic American novel.

How do you not know this?

I know a lot of other things.

Give me the gun!

- No!

- Yes!

I'm not gonna sell you this gun.

Mockingbirds are protected under

the Federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

Killing one is a crime.

Look, this is insane.

I have rights, too, you know.

Or maybe you haven't heard

of the Sixth Amendment!

The right to a speedy and public trial?

You. You're on my list,

Jim.

I got great boat shoes.

Hi.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

I got shoes for the next time

Tripp and I go sailing.

And they're not just cute.

Tripp says they're actually

very practical.

They have these little ridges

on the bottom...

Wait, wait, wait, slow down.

Look at me.

- What happened last night?

- What happened last night?

I tried to end it.

Tried, as in "you failed"?

Yeah.

But the sex was fantastic.

You had sex with him?

This is not a big deal.

What was that rule that you had about

never ever having sex with clients?

Oh, yeah,

"I never ever have sex with my clients."

Those are my rules.

I can change them if I need to.

It's not like I don't know what I'm doing.

So your parents weren't home?

No, they were downstairs.

- And you were upstairs?

- Yeah.

Look, I am still in control.

This was a one-time

emergency situation.

You know what? It's very complicated.

I don't have time right now

to explain to you how business works.

You don't need to explain to me

how business works. I'm not an idiot.

Do you know that I have a contract?

I have fiduciary responsibilities

to uphold.

From a fiduciary standpoint,

would you say that you had an orgasm?

Come on! Were we talking to you?

No. Clean that mess up.

Hey, hey! Hey. Can we please

discuss this someplace else?

That's okay, you guys can stay here

if you want.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I'm in uncharted waters here, boys.

My mom thinks it's her dog,

but I do all the work.

I mean, you don't brush an Irish setter...

- You have an Irish setter?

- Yeah!

I have a yellow Lab!

I mean, he's getting kind of old,

but we should definitely

get them together.

We should...

God, I'm so lucky. I mean, I'm so lucky.

I mean, look at you, and look at me.

Hey, I mean, come on, look at you.

You're smart, you're attractive,

you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy,

because it's all about

storytelling, and myth,

before CGI ruined everything.

I mean, come on, what girl

wouldn't want to be with you?

A shocking number, actually.

Well, you know what? It's their loss.

You show me a guy who loves "Empire"

and I will show you a guy

who's not afraid of his imagination.

Like with Luke gets to the cave,

and he asks Yoda what's in there,

and Yoda says...

"Only what you take with you."

But he goes in anyway, because

he is not afraid of his own mind!

Walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.

That's you! You're Luke!

I gotta pee.

Didn't you just go?

Listen, listen, I'll be right back.

Just don't go anywhere, okay?

I'm not gonna go anywhere.

All right, cool.

But, really, don't go anywhere.

Hiya, Paula.

Oh, God!

Sh*t!

You scared the crap out of me.

What you doing?

This isn't your usual place, is it?

Just, you know, just...

having lunch with a friend.

You always hold your friends' hands?

Like, then I touched...

We touched hand.

I just touched his hand.

Well, my friends never touch my hands.

You've put me

in a very difficult position here.

Okay, look, what do you want?

No.

It's just coffee.

You don't have to marry him.

First of all,

that's the geeky computer guy.

It's bad enough I have to go out

with a loser who still lives with his mom,

but you led me to believe that it was

the handsome minimum-wage slacker.

No, I don't think that I did that.

Okay, I didn't have a choice.

He was going to tell Tripp

and you were the only

bargaining chip that I had.

You should take that as a compliment.

He's a troll.

He's not a troll. He's... He's...

He's endearing, and quirky.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

I'm coming!

Damn it.

I hope you like fish.

So how does Paula do it, anyway?

It seems like it would be hard on her.

Does she ever get it confused

with her real life?

What makes you think

she has a real life?

It's just kind of a weird job.

I mean, how does one

get into that field?

A couple of years ago, she fell for a guy

who wouldn't move out

of his parents' house.

I don't know, I guess

because she couldn't fix him,

she has to fix

all the other losers out there.

No offense.

None taken.

Listen, if you want to go, that's okay.

I'm sorry I slammed the door

on your face.

I don't sleep much.

Really?

Me, either.

Just have too much stuff going on

in my head. Is that the same thing?

No, no.

No. No. I want to sleep,

but I can't, because there's a bird

outside my window

and all night long it chirps,

and it chirps, and it chirps,

and it's annoying,

and I can't get it to shut up!

I have a BB gun.

Go, Omaha!

Yeah.

Say, did you get my message today?

No. You know what,

I had my phone turned off.

I was having lunch with a girlfriend.

My teacher, Miss Kramer,

has a girlfriend.

Oh! That's nice.

She's a lesbian.

Well, don't act all cool about it!

You're jealous 'cause you like her.

You're the one

who was always staring at her shirt.

He's lying.

I don't hear anything.

He'll come.

He always comes.

How many times did you pump it?

- Twice.

- Good.

'Cause we don't want to kill it,

just sting it so it flies away.

Yeah.

So, is Kit short for Katherine?

Yes. Is Ace short for

Ace-a-rooney?

No, it's a nickname.

What, are you really good at cards

or something?

Until I was 10,

I had an undescended testicle.

Wait!

There you are.

Say good night, birdie.

I got him!

You pumped it more than twice,

didn't you?

Oh, my God!

God, why'd you make me do that?

- Clear the table!

- Oh, God!

- Oh, my God! Is he okay?

- I don't know.

- Where's he hit?

- I don't know!

- Is he dead?

- I...

Oh, no!

Look! Look! The BB.

Well, maybe it's just stunned.

Do you know CPR?

- Well, yeah, but...

- Do it!

- It's a bird!

- Do it!

Okay. Check vitals. Where's the pulse?

- Gently.

- Open the airway.

- Don't hurt him!

- I'm not hurting him!

God!

Okay. Be careful with him.

- He's little.

- I don't know.

Oh, my God, it's not working!

He's going!

Do something! We're losing him!

Not on my watch!

One, one thousand, two, one thousand,

three, one thousand.

Walk away from the light, little buddy!

One, one thousand, two, one thousand,

three, one thousand!

Please, God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! He's alive!

What the...

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