Family Guy Presents: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Page #2

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Lord Vader, we're out of Iight speed and...

(CHOKING)

You have fa!led me

for the last t!me, Adm!ral.

D!dn't know l could choke you

through the TV, d!d you?

Well, l can.

Capta!n P!ett, you're !n charge now.

Don't fa!l me, Adm!ral P!ett.

A promotion? ReaIIy?

Can I get business cards

that say ''AdmiraI''?

That's not !n the budget. You know,

we're try!ng to catch Rebels here.

l don't even have bus!ness cards.

None of us do.

-Do you have bus!ness cards?

-Yeah.

You have bus!ness cards?

You're a stormtrooper.

There's l!ke a m!ll!on of you.

What do you need bus!ness cards for?

Well, they're for my cook!e bus!ness.

l don't want... Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLlNG) That chocolate ch!p cook!e

looks l!ke the Death Star.

May l have everyone's attent!on please?

We're evacuat!ng !nto outer space,

w!th l!terally

!nf!n!te d!rect!ons !n wh!ch to flee.

However, we have dec!ded

that our transports

w!ll travel d!rectly toward

the fleet of Star Destroyers.

-Any quest!ons?

-Yeah.

ls there someone from the m!l!tary

we can talk to? A man, perhaps?

S!r, Rebel sh!ps are com!ng !nto our sector.

Good. Our f!rst catch of the day.

(SCOFFS ) L!ke you know how to f!sh.

Prepare to f!re g!ant boob-n!pple gun.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Feel!ng okay, s!r?

Just l!ke new. How about you, Dack?

l feel l!ke l could take on

the whole Emp!re myself.

Really? 'Cause that would be awesome.

Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got th!s one.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

You know !t, b!tches!

Hey, lmper!al fleet,

get ready to suck some Dack!

-l th!nk we're doomed.

-Nah.

Unless they've got any b!g, g!ant

robot camels, l th!nk we're okay.

J!m, robot camels.

Check !t out, that one's wear!ng Crocs.

(MEN SCREAMlNG)

Echo Stat!on 5-7, we are on our way.

REBEL LEADER. Great. We'II see you in...

(GUN FIRING)

Echo Stat!on 5-8, we are on our way.

Hurry!

Yes, Lord Vader,

the!r sh!eld w!ll be down !n moments.

You may start your land!ng.

ExceIIent. We'II prepare for our descent.

Hey. Hey, ConsueIa, no cIeaning.

No cIeaning whiIe I'm doing

the hoIogram... Shut that off!

Mr. Darth, you no have

no more Windex on Star Destroyer.

WeII, that's not my probIem.

Why don't you go out and buy some?

No. No, you buy.

What if I give you the money,

then you can go out and buy it?

No.

(EX CLAlMlNG)

(GROANlNG)

Crap! l'm h!t!

(GASPS )

FEMALE VOICE. OnStar.

What is the nature of your emergency?

Yeah, l just got laser torpedoed

by an lmper!al walker

and l need roads!de ass!stance.

Of course, sir.

Am I speaking with AdmiraI Ackbar?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, l'm Adm!ral Ackbar.

(HOARSELY) lt's a trap.

(SLURRlNG) l love you guys.

We had a great summer.

Han! What are you st!ll do!ng here?

Well, l just real!zed that my spacesh!p

works better when l have the keys.

Duh!

MAN ON PA. ImperiaI troops have entered

the base. ImperiaI troops have...

(FEEDBACK)

Sorry, I dropped the thing.

ImperiaI troops have entered the base.

(GASPS ) Oh, my God, !t's pregnant.

We're !n a war. We're !n a war.

l want the pr!ncess captured !mmed!ately.

Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day

to wear your mesh stormtrooper sh!rt.

Sorry, !t's just...

l'm go!ng out danc!ng after work ton!ght.

Oh, my God, l can't remember

the last t!me l went out danc!ng.

l th!nk !t was Memor!al Day,

l!ke, two years ago.

No, you know what? lt was four years ago.

You know how long !t was?

lt was on Alderaan.

That's how long ago !t was.

Are those guys gett!ng away?

We should probably get those guys.

Those other guys w!ll get them.

So, what else?

Th!s bucket of bolts

!s never gonna get us past that blockade.

Th!s bucket's got a few surpr!ses

left !n her.

Plus, me and Chew!e are on !t.

A!n't that r!ght, Chew!e?

-Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.

-You my nerf herder.

All r!ght, Chew!e, punch !t.

Thank God that hot ch!ck !s gone.

Now l can let loose my Darth farts.

(FARTS )

(AlR HlSSlNG)

(FARTS )

(AlR HlSSlNG)

Artoo, get her ready for takeoff.

You may not remember,

but l told you last week

l got my n!ece's rec!tal today.

(VlOLlN PLAYlNG OFF-KEY)

-We gotta s!t through th!s whole th!ng?

-lt's not that much longer.

She's number seven

and there's, l!ke, 18 people.

Relax, man.

l mean,

as long as she knows you were here...

Look, th!s !s happen!ng,

so just come to peace w!th !t.

Hey, th!s a!n't the way

to the rendezvous po!nt.

We're not meet!ng up w!th the others.

We're go!ng to the Dagobah system.

H!. Excuse me. Excuse me.

H!, yeah, do you know

how to get to the Dagobah system?

Yeah, actually

we're headed there now. You can follow us.

Okay, great.

Annoy!ng quest!on. We have to get gas,

would you m!nd pull!ng off

and wa!t!ng for us wh!le we do that?

(GROANS )

Thank you so much.

(SlGHlNG)

Han, look!

HAN:
Crap, there's two more of them

dead ahead.

lt's all r!ght,

l th!nk l can outmaneuver them.

JOHN BUNNELL. This RebeI Iawbreaker

thinks he can outrun the Empire.

The pursuing officers

reaIize he's entered a residentiaI area.

They give him a wide berth,

but they don't Iet him out of their sight.

AstonishingIy, the driver makes a Ieft,

right into an asteroid fieId.

What are you do!ng? You're not actually

go!ng !nto an astero!d f!eld.

Well, !t's e!ther that

or go !nto the strawberry f!elds.

Hey, you know what

l'm gett!ng !nto? ls one-legged ch!cks.

Yeah, Paul,

what's your new w!fe's name? Peg?

That'll be enough of that, lad.

How about E!leen?

R!ngo got !t.

S!r, the odds of successfully

nav!gat!ng an astero!d f!eld are two to one.

Never tell me the...

Actually, that's not bad.

Yeah. No, let's keep go!ng.

Look at that one! Look at that one there!

Look at that other one!

(SCREAMlNG)

We're gonna get pulver!zed out here!

Look, we got four or f!ve

of the ma!n characters on th!s sh!p.

l th!nk we'll be f!ne.

There, that looks good.

Doesn't that p!e look good?

Too bad we can't get at !t.

lt's !n space, and we're !n here.

Otherw!se, l'd be eat!ng !t r!ght now.

All r!ght, let's park r!ght there !n that cave.

What are you do!ng? You can't park there.

-You're not hand!capped.

-l have vert!go.

lt's a real med!cal cond!t!on.

l'm just go!ng on record

as say!ng l'm not comfortable w!th th!s.

l hope you know what you're do!ng.

l've just found

that Le!a's constant quest!on!ng of me

has not been product!ve

to the atmosphere of the sh!p.

And l th!nk that she just

needs to get some respect for herself.

Artoo, wake up, we're here.

Put your shoes on.

You better hurry up and land.

The last half hour,

l've been hav!ng all pee dreams.

All the scopes are dead! l can't see a th!ng!

Sorry, that's me.

l was st!ll us!ng an electron!c dev!ce.

Okay, that's much better.

Now l can see the swamp... The swamp!

Swamp crashes.

They can land you knee-deep !n trouble.

But the ''good hands'' people at Allstate w!ll

make sure you have a soft land!ng.

Profess!onal serv!ce.

Non-threaten!ng black spokesperson.

That's Allstate's stand.

Thank God for these a!rbags.

You okay back there?

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