Family Guy Presents: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Page #3

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l'm okay, but the m!dget

!ns!de me's got a head concuss!on.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Artoo?

Artoo!

(ARTOO SCREAMlNG)

Artoo, are you okay?

l th!nk so. Boy, who knows

what else !s !n th!s swamp?

SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER.

MeanwhiIe, at the Legion of Doom!

-Not now!

-Okay.

(EERlE SlLENCE)

(CAWlNG)

YODA:
Hey, who the hell are you?

What the hell !s that creepy l!ttle th!ng?

Well, l'm not Yoda.

Okay, l'm Yoda.

You're Yoda?

You're the one

that Ob!-Wan sent me here to f!nd.

W!ll you teach me the ways of the Force?

No, l w!ll not teach you

the ways of the Force.

Okay, l'll teach you the ways of the Force.

But !f you want to become a Jed!,

f!rst l gotta ask you someth!ng.

D!d you see Van WiIder?

Yeah, l saw !t on Comedy Central.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

We got a lot of tra!n!ng to do.

l'm ask!ng, d!d you see

the DVD frat house ed!t!on

w!th all the uncensored footage

and the !nterv!ew w!th Ryan Reynolds?

No.

Well, that's all part

of master!ng the Force, man.

lt starts w!th

check!ng out sweet-ass DVD releases,

l!ke Iron Man, d!rected by Jon Favreau.

Yeah, he puts h!mself

!n h!s own mov!es, but you don't m!nd

'cause he seems l!ke the k!nd of guy

who'd help you move !f you asked h!m.

l'm glad you're here.

Look, l pulled th!s all apart,

and !t looks l!ke

you're gonna need a new condenser.

Really? A new condenser?

Yeah, and l would also h!ghly recommend

a complete flush

of your photon convers!on system.

l swear l just d!d that.

Okay, well, how about th!s?

Do you want me to just go ahead

and do that

wh!le l'm replac!ng the new condenser?

l th!nk l'd l!ke to call my husband.

Look, how about th!s?

You buy the condenser,

and l'll make out w!th you.

(EX CLAlMS )

l'm gonna k!ss you so hard,

the p!cture's gonna change

!nto someth!ng else.

Look, th!s !sn't W!ndex

but !t's just as good. lt's the store brand.

-No. No. lt leave a f!lm.

-l'm okay w!th the f!lm. Just use !t.

-No. No. l no can clean.

-Sh!t.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

-Hello?

-Mr. Darth Vader...

Yes, s!r. Qu!et, qu!et. lt's the Emperor.

-lt's the Emperor.

-Tell h!m l no can do Fr!day.

-Okay. Okay, okay. S!r... Yeah.

-My apartment need water.

-No, no. No.

-He need to get !t f!xed.

(STUTTERlNG) Hello? l can't hear you.

l'm go!ng to the knee pad.

l'm gonna call you from the knee pad.

What !s thy b!dd!ng, my master?

Hey, I'm downIoading

aII my music to my iPod

'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs.

Do you have any desire for

NataIie Merchant's T!gerl!ly?

No.

-AIanis Morissette's Jagged L!ttle P!ll?

-No.

You sure? This thing was unstoppabIe.

This was the soundtrack to my '95.

-To my '95 and my '96, actuaIIy.

-No, thank you.

-Richard Marx, Hold On To The N!ght?

-(EX ClTEDLY) Yes!

(STUTTERlNG) l mean... Yeah, no...

l mean, !f you're g!v!ng stuff away,

yeah, sure.

AII right, Iisten.

It turns out

Anakin SkywaIker's son is stiII aIive.

I'm gonna need you

to find him and turn him.

Really? Maybe l can make h!m go b!,

but all the way !s gonna be tough.

No, I mean, turn him to the dark side.

Well, yeah, l thought that's what you...

-Oh, of the Force.

-Yes.

l'll get h!m over to the dark s!de.

l'll just show h!m our recru!t!ng v!deo.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING)

Thanks to the tra!n!ng

l rece!ved !n the Emp!re,

l have all the sk!lls l need

to make !t !n the real world.

The Emp!re Gl B!ll

helped me f!n!sh school. Hey, wa!t up!

And l met my w!fe !n the serv!ce.

We had our honeymoon on Alderaan.

WOMAN:
Good th!ng

we took p!ctures, huh?

(LAUGHlNG)

RECRUITMENTANNOUNCER.

The Empire, chasing RebeI scum,

kiIIing Luke's aunt and uncIe,

teIIing peopIe to move aIong.

The Empire, our ships are big triangIes.

That's good. Stretch !t out, stretch !t out

because we're gonna start the tra!n!ng.

l'm ready, Master Yoda.

l'm ready to become a Jed!.

All r!ght, k!d, let's do !t.

(ROCKYIVTHEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(lNAUDlBLE)

You know, l'm up for th!s,

but !t k!nd of feels

l!ke the dark s!de has a better gym than us.

(DlSTANT EXPLOSlONS )

(SCREAMS )

There's someth!ng out there.

Hmm?

-There's someth!ng out there.

-Where?

Out there, !n the cave!

(LAUGHS ) Crazy women,

always hear!ng th!ngs.

-There's someth!ng out there.

-Let's go check !t out.

What's all th!s sl!me on the floor?

Yeah. lt feels l!ke we're

!n Rod Stewart's stomach.

Wa!t a m!nute.

Hang on a second.

What's go!ng on here?

Someth!ng doesn't add up.

Just a m!nute.

T!me out.

Th!s a!n't qu!te r!ght.

Now l get !t. We should go.

Hang on, sweetheart. We're tak!ng off.

LElA:
The cave !s collaps!ng!

-Th!s !s no cave.

-What?

How come l never get

any l!nes !n these th!ngs?

PETER. Shut up, Meg.

All r!ght. Let's take a break.

Your back's gett!ng all sweaty.

Sorry. Does that.

All r!ght.

Now, let's go over what we've learned.

-Naked ch!cks. Best?

-Rebecca De Mornay !n Risky Business.

-Good. Worst?

-Kathy Bates !n About Schmidt.

Correct. l also would've accepted

the rott!ng old woman !n The Shining,

but Kathy Bates !s probably worse.

Best scene !n Teen WoIf?

When M!chael J. Fox !s !n the bathroom,

turn!ng !nto a werewolf for the f!rst t!me

and h!s dad's

knock!ng on the door and he !s freak!ng out

and he opens the door

and h!s dad's a werewolf, too.

Gold star.

l would've also accepted the scene

at the end, at the basketball game,

where the guy

!n the crowd has h!s d!ck out.

-What?

-Yeah, there's a guy at the end.

Go onl!ne. Look !t up.

He's !n the stands, way !n the background,

and he's totally got h!s d!ck out.

What's !n there? lt feels cold.

That place !s strong w!th the dark s!de.

But !t's very confus!ng

and !t stops the mov!e dead.

l'm go!ng !n there anyway.

(GASPS )

You know, l guess we should take

advantage of th!s very rare opportun!ty.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLA YING ON PIANO)

BOTH:
(SlNGlNG) You and I wiII settIe down

In a cottage buiIt for two

Dear IittIe buttercup

Sweet IittIe buttercup

My IittIe buttercup

I Iove you

-l hate these hats.

-Yes, s!r.

DARTH VADER:
Okay,

n!ce bounty hunter turnout today.

Let's see, we got Robot Guy,

Old T!mey Deep Sea D!ver Look!ng Guy,

L!zard Guy, who l th!nk

l saw get !n a f!ght w!th Capta!n K!rk,

Boba Fett, of course,

thanks for com!ng, and...

What are you supposed to be?

Raggedy Andy.

Get the f*** out

of my bounty hunter meet!ng.

Okay, get ready to go to l!ght speed.

One, two, three.

(ENGlNE STALLlNG)

(SlNGlNG MOCKlNGLY)

Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh!

Crap.

No l!ght speed?

No l!ght speed.

l got an !dea. Chew!e, turn us around.

You're gonna attack them?

(MlMlCKlNG) ''You're gonna attack them?''

That's how you sound.

(SQUEAKlLY) ''You're gonna attack them?''

lmag!ne l!sten!ng to that all day.

They're mov!ng !nto attack pos!t!on.

Good. Put the sh!elds up.

Oh, my God! You have cake?

Where'd you get cake?

lt was J!m's b!rthday,

but l th!nk !t's all gone.

Track them.

They may come around for another attack.

Capta!n, the sh!p

no longer appears on our scopes.

They can't have d!sappeared.

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