Family Guy Presents: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Page #4

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No sh!p that small has a cloak!ng dev!ce.

Capta!n, Lord Vader demands an update

on the pursu!t of the M!llenn!um Falcon.

(STUTTERlNG) Tell h!m...

Tell h!m we blew !t up.

He's not on hold and he just heard you.

DARTH VADER. Yeah, I just heard you.

(CHOKlNG)

Th!s !s !nsane, Han!

They're gonna f!nd us here.

Yeah, and even !f they don't,

where are we gonna h!de out after th!s?

Hey, what about Lando?

The Lando system?

Lando's not a system. He's a black guy.

ln fact, l th!nk he m!ght be

the only black guy !n the galaxy.

(CHUCKLES ) Let's hope, r!ght?

ALL:
Whoa !

(CLANKlNG)

All r!ght, the fleet's break!ng up.

Chew!e, get ready

to release the land!ng claw

and we'll float away

w!th the!r garbage. Release!

Look at that. Space bums.

Let's be thankful

for what we have, everyone.

Be thankful for what we have.

(THUD )

Oh, my God, l h!t a space bum !

Chew!e, go, go, go, go!

All r!ght, concentrate.

What do you see?

l see a woman dra!n!ng your bank account

and runn!ng off w!th a real estate agent.

That !s a b!tch you see.

And l see my fr!ends.

They're !n trouble! l gotta save them !

Wa!t, wa!t, wa!t. Luke, that's a stup!d !dea.

You're not done w!th all your Force stuff.

And bes!des, you can't f!ght Vader.

Only an exper!enced Jed!

could f!ght Vader.

Well, why don't you go?

Yeah, you're probably ready to f!ght Vader.

That boy was our Iast hope.

No, there !s another.

I know. I have the Force, too, you know.

l don't have a land!ng perm!t.

l'm try!ng to reach Lando Calr!ss!an.

What the hell's he f!r!ng at me for?

-l told you not to shoot.

-Well, you're not !n charge. l am.

-Well, l'm steer!ng.

-No, l'm steer!ng.

-No, l am.

-l have a steer!ng wheel.

-So do l. There's two.

-Well, that's stup!d.

-l know.

-l know, too. That's why l sa!d !t.

-Oh! We lost them.

-Th!s !s go!ng !n my report.

No, !t's go!ng !n my report.

-(LAUGHlNG) Lando!

-Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.

Hey, let me !ntroduce everybody.

You remember Chewbacca.

And th!s !s my spec!al fr!end, Le!a.

And that's Sarge over there.

You don't know my name, do you?

You never bothered to learn !t.

What are you talk!ng about?

We've been through

all k!nds of space adventures together.

Of course l know you, slugger.

-Yeah, sure. N!ce to meet you. l'm C-3PO.

-C-3PO, yeah.

l was just gonna !ntroduce you, C-3PO.

Why d!dn't you let me, C-3PO?

Maybe we should go !ns!de.

Yeah, let's get !ns!de, C-3PO.

You ever been to Cloud C!ty, C-3PO?

J.Crew outlet store.

Oh, my God! Awesome!

Space summer !s r!ght around the corner.

Oh, my God. What happened?

l got !nto a slap f!ght w!th a prep dro!d

over a pa!r of cargo shorts.

Are you guys all ready for d!nner?

l don't know,

the t!me change !s really h!tt!ng me.

l m!ght just stay !n the room

and watch bad TV.

Geez, !t's only l!ke two hours earl!er

on Hoth. What's the b!g deal?

l'm hav!ng my per!od, okay?

Please come !n.

l have noth!ng to say to Lando.

Okay, the door's gonna open

and you guys say, ''Freeze,''

and po!nt your guns at them.

Or, you know... Or should !t just be me?

Yeah, you know what?

l th!nk that'll be better.

Get out. Go, go, go. lt's just me.

l wasn't ready. H!!

(EX CLAlMS )

(SlNGlNG) Wonder Woman

(JEERlNG ) Look,

the G!ant Ch!cken's Boba Fett.

DARTH VADER:
Very well, Solo,

!f you won't talk,

we have very effect!ve means of torture.

Whoa ! Well, l don't want to be tortured.

All r!ght, Luke's on Dagobah,

there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk,

and l'm the one

who clogged the to!let on the 16th floor.

That was d!sgust!ng!

You know, because of that, l had to use

the l!ttle p!g people's bathroom.

All r!ght, start the torture.

(WHERE HA VE ALL THE COWBOYS

GONEPLAYlNG)

WOMAN. (SINGING)

Where have aII the cowboys gone?

(SHOUTlNG lN DlSGUST)

Shut !t off. Shut !t off!

(HAN SCREAMlNG)

HAN:
Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

DARTH VADER:
Th!s fac!l!ty

should be adequate

to freeze Skywalker

for h!s tr!p to the Emperor.

We'll test !t on Capta!n Solo.

And as long as we're freez!ng th!ngs,

why don't you toss th!s !ce cube tray

full of orange ju!ce !n there?

And be careful w!th the toothp!cks.

Lando, Lando. Lando!

Be careful w!th the toothp!cks.

Chew!e, you have to take care

of the pr!ncess wh!le l'm gone.

Take care of her?

-You mean l!ke...

-No. What?

No. Just make sure she stays safe.

Okay. That'll be fun for me.

l love you.

F*** off.

(AMERICAN IDOL THEMEPLAYlNG)

(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)

Ladies and gentIemen,

this is your Iightsaber battIe.

The Force !s w!th you, young Skywalker.

But you are not a Jed! yet.

You're gett!ng there.

You're gett!ng there, though.

l can defeat you, Vader. You'll see.

Okay, so, no cutt!ng off body parts.

Let's make that a rule.

No below the belt,

!f you know what l'm say!ng.

And you know what?

How about no name call!ng?

You know, let's not have

one of those k!nds of l!ghtsaber battles.

Car. Car com!ng!

We're clear.

(BEEPlNG)

N!ce work, fellas! And, Dav!d,

you sold the most magaz!ne subscr!pt!ons,

so you get to !nv!te

four of your fr!ends to a p!zza party.

Hurray!

-Put Capta!n Solo !n the cargo hold.

-Duh!

Oh, no. We've lost Han.

They're tak!ng h!m to Jabba's palace.

Well, even though

we know exactly where he's go!ng,

we should rescue h!m !n three years.

(GASPlNG) Oh, God. Oh, my God.

l would g!ve my r!ght hand

for th!s day to just end.

Oh, no. Damn !t.

They changed the secur!ty code.

Let me see

!f l can do someth!ng about that.

Hey, baby.

You're gonna let us through, a!n't you?

Yeah, that's r!ght.

You know that feels good.

FEMALE VOICE. Oh, God!

Nobody's touched me Iike that for so Iong.

(MOANING EX CITEDL Y)

-Oh, no! I think I hear my husband.

-Honey, I'm home.

(SHOUTING) What the heII is this?

Who's he?

Thank God you're home, honey.

He tried to rape me.

Oh, that's bullsh!t.

You get out of our home!

Oh, man.

How am l supposed to run w!th th!s?

Have we ever h!t anybody w!th these guns?

l h!t a b!rd once.

(LlGHTSABERS HUMMlNG)

(GRUNTlNG)

Come on, Luke,

jo!n the dark s!de. lt's really cool.

Well, who's !n !t?

Me, the Emperor, th!s guy Scott.

You'll meet h!m, he's awesome.

And James Caan.

l'll be your fr!end

!f you let me k!ck your ass.

l'll never jo!n the dark s!de. Never!

(GRUNTlNG)

(GROANlNG)

MAN:
Hey, a hand.

There !s no escape.

Don't make me destroy you.

-Jo!n me, Luke.

-l'll never jo!n you.

Ob!-Wan never told you

what happened to your father.

He told me you k!lled h!m.

No, l... Hang on.

Spo!ler alert.

Okay. No, l am your father.

Well, that's f!ne,

but l don't see how that affects...

What?

Jo!n me and we can rule the galaxy

as father and son!

You know? l mean, !t doesn't have to be

as father and son, !t can just be as,

you know, as two really close guys

who just happen to be men, you know?

Just two good-look!ng guys

shar!ng a cramped off!ce,

runn!ng the galaxy together, you know?

Just gett!ng the job done, you know?

Maybe we...

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