Family Weekend Page #4

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to give me parental support

and when to not.

This is a perfect example

of a not.

Emily, this is asinine.

I really thought that you were

much smarter than this.

You, Thor, just because this

was your sister's idea,

doesn't mean

you're off the hook.

Please don't look

directly into the camera.

Really? Wow, I...

Mom, we are so beyond

your guilt trips.

How about being grounded till

you're 18? How 'bout that?

Fine, if that means

you'll be normal parents.

Normal?

We are...

galaxies away

from normal,

and at this very moment,

the punishment

will be commensurate

with the crime.

I'm talking

severe lockdown...

no friends,

no extracurriculars,

and certainly

no competitive jump.

Well, that's

a little extreme.

Okay, Duncan.

Everything you worked for,

down the drain.

It would be

such a shame.

Or...

I can make you

a one-time offer only.

Can't believe

I'm saying this.

Crazy. It's crazy. Ha!

You untie me...

us right now,

and I mean

right this very minute,

I'll forget everything.

No grounding.

No yelling.

Just carry on.

Duncan!

That sounds

reasonable.

As if it never happened

Y- You promise?

Yes. Yes, we...

we promise,

don't we, sweetheart?

This is good.

No.

No. I don't want to carry on

like this never happened...

because that's

how we got here.

First to illustrate both of your glaring

deficiencies as parents, the facts.

Please feel free to follow along

in your packets.

As you can see

in chart 1A,

attendance of children's events

has declined

from its peak of 65%

to its current

flat line of 2%.

In pie chart 3B...

Em, this is

very left-brain.

you can notice that the portion

labeled quality time

is a very thin line

between watching movies

and self-absorption.

I haven't seen a movie

in three years,

and he's the one at home,

so if I could be released...

Mother, I will get out the tape.

that would be amazing.

Tape?

Mm-hmm.

Lucy...

can you get

Mommy's BlackBerry?

Lucy, get the tape.

Let's take a look

at graph 8B.

Strange that you're still

attempting to talk.

...grade, I smoked

some weed.

Susan!

Jackson, got Mom.

Do something with Dad.

What do you want me

to do? I'm filming.

Dad! Jackson,

stop filming, or...

This is good.

Help me now!

Yes.

Calm down, Dad.

...off of me!

No way.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Help me.

Get out of the shot.

Lucy, do something.

Untie me.

I won't tell anybody.

I won't tell your sister.

Just untie me.

Lucy.

Lucy.

Lucy.

Stay put.

...out of here now,

Emily! Now!

Shh. Quiet

Ohh!

Mm! Susan!

Susan! Susan!

Emily, let me out!

Ehh...

Does it hurt?

You didn't give me

much of a choice.

Susan! Susan!

Ahh! Susan!

Yo, Susan!

And action.

You gonna tell me

about the setup?

I'll cut off

your friggin' ear, man

You're gonna die...

What?

like the scum pig

that you are.

You take that off.

Stop!

Hello?

Anybody there?

That's it! No more!

My name is Siu Jin,

not Susan!

Later, Susan.

Susan!

End scene.

Awesome.

Oh, hey, Kat.

What's up?

No wig today?

Your mom's getting away.

Shh.

Reservoir Dogs?

How do I look?

Kat.

Oh, thank God. Kat!

Makeover?

You want a makeover?

Whatever you want.

Kat?

Yeah, you left this incredibly modest

symbol of achievement in my car.

Look, Kat,

I know things have been

"you know" between us,

but you can't

tell anyone, not yet.

Uh, yeah, but see,

narcing on you would catapult me

into a serious lead

in our little

neighborhood rivalry,

so, my dear,

you have two choices.

Behind door number one,

we have me dialing 911

as you chase me around the house

until the police arrive.

You probably wouldn't like

being incarcerated,

and as you know,

cardio makes my cooch itch,

so that's a lose-lose.

But behind door number 2,

we have a simple

symbiotic transaction.

I believe the going rate

for allowing my archenemy

to get away with

a major felony is...

50 bucks and

a first-row seat.

You're blackmailing me?

No. No, I'm just bored,

and I just

want to be here

when the whole thing

goes sh*t circus.

Em, Dad needs to pee again.

Mm, you should

probably handle that.

Ugh. I am not

doing that again.

Come on, Dad.

We got this.

You're like

a beached whale.

The sooner you cooperate,

the sooner this is over.

Emily, come here.

Listen.

The key to a successful

revolution

is controlled chaos.

Now, you're letting

this get too loose.

Susan saw Lucy

try to cut my ear off,

and now Kat is involved.

Does that...

Emily, kidnapping is

a first-degree felony.

Yeah. And I will

prosecute.

That means jail time and a permanent

scar on your record,

so unless

you want a diploma

from the state

penitentiary...

Well, actually,

you can get

a pretty good degree

in a state penitentiary.

A friend of mine

from high school...

Mom, Dad, focus.

Why don't we go

to the big board, shall we?

Now, I'm gonna ask you some

multiple-choice questions,

and you're gonna

give me answers.

Correct answers

will be awarded.

Like a game show.

Oh, don't encourage her.

Incorrect answers

will be punished.

Japanese game show.

Nice.

When a male friend of your

16-year-old daughter comes over,

appropriate topics

of conversation are...

A, weather,

B, sports,

C, school,

D...

anal sex.

I was just trying to learn something

about your friend.

Please answer

the question.

Safe sex is never

an inappropriate

conversation.

Wrong! A through C

are appropriate topics.

Never, ever, ever,

ever, ever D.

Young people have questions

about intercourse,

all kinds of intercourse,

animal intercourse,

same-sex intercourse,

different-sex intercourse.

Stop saying,

"Intercourse. "

Emily, clearly

you have some issues

with inter...

sex.

Wh-Wh...

Why are you ripping my skirt

when he screwed up?

It's a team game.

You're partners.

That's Prada.

Now it's nada.

The acceptable age for a child

to use profanity is...

Depending upon

the situation.

Wrong. It is never appropriate

for a child to use profanity,

especially not

9- year-old girls.

But Lucy's just

playing make-believe.

Yeah.

She was dressed

like a GD prostitute.

You're not being impartial.

Let's let Kat be

the judge. Kat?

Kat agrees.

Yeah, I don't know.

He has a point.

Everyone swears.

No. I don't.

Really?

Sure you're not just

being a GD

MFing hypocrite?

Can't believe

I'm saying this,

but I'm really glad you're

bringing this up, Emily.

Your father here doesn't

understand the appropriate...

Mom, I wouldn't say that

appropriate is your strong suit.

Excuse me?

Mickey, Tuesday, 7:00ish,

something about nailing?

January 8, 7:
15 P.M.

Man... "Don't worry.

I'll nail it. "

Mom... "You nail the copy,

and you can nail whatever

you want this weekend. "

That was taken completely

out of context.

Oh, really? Should we hear the rest?

Yeah.

No.

Fine.

Don't use your brother

as a dictation machine.

Wrong again.

No!

Emily.

That was one

of my early masterpieces.

That is a natural plant that

grows freely on this Earth.

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