Family Weekend Page #5

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Mm-hmm.

It's an illegal substance

and a horrible example

for your children.

If you're worried about your

brother's pot experimentation,

you can relax.

Thor is a very

well-adjusted young man.

Oh, yeah?

Do well-adjusted

young men pretend to be gay?

Enh.

What?

She's just kidding.

Is this true?

No!

Dad, I'm totally gay.

She's just

messing around.

No, I'm not.

This is so crazy.

I'm so queer.

Thor, it's all right

if you're not gay.

Dad, I like dudes. I...

He thinks people will think

he's more artsy if he's gay.

I love dudes, love 'em.

He doesn't even

have a boyfriend.

It's 'cause good men

are hard to find.

Everybody knows that.

Amen.

He has straight

porn mags in his room.

They're so gross.

Straight porn?

B*obs and everything?

No. B*obs are

so nasty.

I could have told you

years ago he wasn't gay.

You overaccessorize.

No, I don't.

It's okay.

You know what?

Screw this.

Thor.

Lucy, watch them.

Until the age of three,

all male walruses engage in

homosexual relationships.

Lucy, come let Mommy out.

Jacks?

What?!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean

to out you

or in you or whatever.

But you have to admit

it's kind of weird

pretending to be gay.

Hello?

I had one thing that made me

interesting...

one thing that

made him notice me.

You couldn't let me

have that, could you?

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't know.

Duncan, we need

a new approach.

Just agree with

everything I say.

I can't believe

Thor's not gay.

With you going on and on

about Warhol all the time,

I'm surprised he hasn't

dyed his hair white.

Oh, so this is my fault?

Yes, of course it is.

You're the one

who's here all the time.

A son pretending

to be gay is something

that usually the primary-care parent

would pick up on.

A primary-care parent

implies that there's

some kind

of secondary-care parent,

and we both know that's

not the case, don't we?

Emily, hi.

He's a little upset,

but he'll come around.

Yes, he will. Um,

your father and I

have been talking, and,

whew, we need

a new approach.

We are starting to see

some of your frustrations.

Yes.

Yes. Thank you, Duncan.

I know this sounds crazy,

but I do think...

we both think that...

we could do

a better job at...

parenting this family.

Together,

as partners.

Yes.

Right.

I'm not that stupid.

Mmm. Thank you, honey.

I'd drink more, but I'd just have

to pee again. Heh.

Emily, darling,

you're right.

I think it's time that we work

on some of this stuff.

I... I don't know what to do

or what to say,

but I do think it's time

to lose the ropes and...

and work this out

as a family.

You would really

listen to me?

Yeah.

Lucy, duct tape!

On it, Em!

Make a gag!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello!

Hello?

I can't find it!

Where did you put it?!

It's your job.

Please help us!

Help!

Mickey, go get the door.

Go get the door.

Does anybody

need help in there?

Hide everything

in this operation.

We've been

taken hostage!

What the F? Jackson, stop.

Just help me.

And action.

I'm coming in!

Everybody hide!

Yes. Now we

have a movie.

Kick the door down!

Just kick it in!

What?!

Ah! I found the tape!

Help!

Lucy.

It's too late!

Just hide!

Hurry up,

and get in here!

Stop.

Right there.

The cops. I got

something for 'em.

Bunch of freaking amateurs.

Shh. Thor.

Stop filming.

Ha!

Hello?

Yes! Me! Come!

Hello?

I'm warning you.

I know tae kwon do.

Rick?

Rick? Who's Rick?

Rick?

Is this why you didn't

show up to our meeting?

Yes! Come here.

Your text message did say

you wanted to close

the deal. Wow. Kinky.

Eww. No, Rick.

Come here. Untie me.

Just so you know,

I'm not super into bondage.

Maybe a little role-playing

here and there,

plushies,

master-slave stuff.

Rick, now!

Who's the dude?

Who am I?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Rick. Who are you?

I live here.

This is my wife

I thought you said

your husband was dead.

You said I was dead?

No, I meant it

metaphorically.

What?

What?

Just come here and

untie us! Please.

Why are you

telling people I'm dead?

Just so you know,

I'm not super into dudes.

Wait a second?

Are you sleeping

with this guy?

I don't think she had

much sleeping in mind, bro.

Raah!

Ohh!

Oh ho ho!

Yes!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa.

Dude, yeah!

Nice job, Emily.

Emily.

Lucy, um, I need you

to take Mickey

up to his room

and hang out for a bit.

No way!

This is hard-core.

Now. Lucy, now.

Come on, Mickey.

I got guns.

Heh heh.

Emily.

Okay.

Tape.

Oh. Sorry.

Shut up, Mom. I have

everything under control.

Thor, get that

out of my face.

Can someone please

give me a hand?

No way.

You're psycho sauce.

I'm more of a star witness

than a codefendant.

It's fine.

Emily,

listen to Mom.

We need to consider

what you're

doing now.

Oh, my G.

I'd go with, "Oh, my F G."

Please tell me

you're getting all this.

Rolling.

Awesome.

How was I supposed to know

that he would show up?

You couldn't plan for this.

I just reacted

to the situation.

Rick. Rick,

are you okay?

Sam?

What the hell?

Why am I tied up?

Because our daughter

Emily is a bit

dissatisfied with

our parenting style.

What? Dissatisfied?

Are you kidding me?

Sam, are you sleeping

with this guy?

Oh, God, would that

bother you?

Would that pierce

your membrane?

Be quiet!

Somebody needs

to untie me right now.

Rick, do I look like I have

a say in the matter?

Is this what this

is about, my membrane?

Not now, Duncan.

Okay, clearly

you guys are dealing

with some sort of family issues.

Uh, Emily...

It's Emily, right?

Yeah, anyway...

Look, I know being

a kid is tough.

I know that's gotta be hard,

especially with a mom like Sam.

You should have seen her

last week at work.

She made Hoverman cry.

Hoverman's a wussy.

Will you shut up?!

Yeah.

Look, you seem like you got a

good head on your shoulders.

...kind of illegal.

a little bit.

Is this really worth

40 years in jail?

It wouldn't

be 40 years.

Can't believe you're

sleeping with this guy.

"This guy" headed

multinational campaigns

for six Fortune 500

companies last year, a**hole.

One more, and I would

have been impressed.

Oh, shut up,

both of you. Emily...

Follow your goals.

Listen to me,

Little Miss Sunshine.

If you don't

let me go right now...

and I mean

right this second,

I will make your life

a living hell.

Do you understand?

And this is serious

right here.

This is a serious crime.

You know, adultery is a crime.

Yeah!

Actually it's not.

Uh, yeah, it is,

for a family.

I don't care about family!

How did you learn how

to tie a knot like this?

Sam, how do you think

you can possibly run

a 300-person company

when you can't even control

your own teenage girl?

Will you be quiet?

Pathetic, misguided,

psychopathic,

bug-eyed, 52-pound freak.

Hey! That's my daughter you're talking to.

I told you to be quiet.

Emily.

Hit him!

Emily. Emily.

No. No.

Mom, I warned him.

No, go on.

Give him a hit.

No, no, no. I'll be good.

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