Fanboys Page #5

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pretty sure had a full diaper.

Hey, hey, okay.

Okay, visiting time's over.

The judge wants to see y'all

in his private chambers.

Oh, yeah.

Just one more thing.

Whatever you do,

do not make fun of his name.

Let me see if I got this right.

Now, you tried to outrun

an officer of the law...

because you obtained a bag of peyote

from a Mexican Indian chief...

who thought it would help

treat your friend's terminal illness?

- Yes.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna let you boys go.

Not because I believe you.

- Because I believe your father.

- My father?

- Mm-hmm.

- You actually spoke with my dad?

Sure did.

He wanted me to give you this message.

Approach the bench.

Have a nice day, son.

Yeah. Man's gone

carbonite freeze on us.

We got to be in Vegas

in less than 24 hours.

All right. I'm gonna go smack

some sense into the boy.

Whoa. Cut him some slack.

Okay.

I just mapped out our route to Vegas

on my Toughbook...

and the closest airport's

about a hundred miles north of here.

So all we got to do

is drop the ol' Zoe off...

and then it's a straight shot

to Sin City.

Ho! Hold on.

You haul my ass

out into the middle of nowhere...

and expect me to just jump

on the first plane back?

Sorry. It's not gonna happen.

Come on. You know this trip is men only.

I tell you what.

I'll get on the plane

if any one of you can take me down.

Listen, Princess.

No one wants to see you get hurt.

I'm gonna get Botts.

- Get off of me!

- Oh, my God!

- Be a man, Hutch.

- Get her off of me!

- Hutch, say"time-out."

- Don't just stand there!

Shoot her!

Somebody shoot her!

- Help me, for God sake! God help me!

- Gentlemen.

- Get the jaws of life!

- I'm good.

Welcome aboard.

- Now go get Eric.

- Yes, sir!

And be nice.

You're lucky I have a crush on you.

Yo, Botts, you okay?

You know, I could do this-

start a life here.

Clean slate.

Fresh air.

No pressure, no responsibility.

Yeah, it seems nice, man.

In theory it sounds nice.

I bet there's not even like a Blockbuster Video

within 500 miles of here.

Or like a Falafel Hut or-

Guys, shut up.

I just figured if I...

worked hard and...

sold enough cars and impressed my dad

enough times, I'd-

I'd feel something.

You gotta find your Death Star.

Okay, I'll bite.

Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did...

was take down the Death Star, right?

As far as I'm concerned,

that's what everybody needs.

You need that one bad-ass thing...

that lets you live on forever, you know.

Yeah.

Hey, Spice Girls!

Are you gonna swap recipes all day?

Vegas awaits, ladies.

- Wow!

- Sweet!

And here's where you learn

how to do Vegas, fanboy style.

- You guys thinking

what I'm thinking?

-

They are everywhere, Giles.

Mama, star people.

This is so gay.

Ow!

Let me get that for you.

You, uh-You might wanna hit the showers.

'Cause you smell like something

sh*t in my nose.

- Yes, Your Highnessness.

- Ew!

What in God's name is living on your chest?

It looks like you fell on ALF.

- God!

- Look who's back in uniform.

- Nice.

- Yeah, it's almost 8:00, so we

gotta go meet Harry's contact.

Then let's go.

- You guys coming?

- I'll catch up with you guys later.

I'm just gonna do a bit

of pillagin' the tables first.

- Twenty-two. Loser.

- Ah, Jesus!

That is mathematically impossible.

I must have the worst luck

in the northern hemisphere.

I heard about the Rogue Leader debacle.

- That's one for the record books.

- Hey.

A cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar

and Janeane Garofalo, it's too good to be true.

I just have to face the facts, Zoe.

I'm 24 years old...

and I've only ever copulated

with one woman.

Plenty of guys have

only been with one woman.

I don't know that many women

to have only been with one woman.

I, uh-

I'm female kryptonite.

Look, you're fine around me.

Well, yeah, of course I am.

That's 'cause...

you are not a girl.

You know what I mean?

No. Please enlighten me.

You know every Bond villain,

you constantly quote Clash of the Titans...

and you've beat every Zelda game

Nintendo's ever released.

- I mean-

- Dude, dude, dude. Three o'clock, man.

Hotties on the slotties.

I would knock the nickels

out of that p*ssy!

Dude, you're gonna be my Dak today,

all right? Follow my lead.

- Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

You wanna just talk to them?

- Yeah. It's called having balls.

Or in your case, one ball.

Come on. Eric and Linus are waiting.

What are you, the wife?

Let's go.

- Wait. You're going over there?

- Uh-

Turns out you're more

clueless than you think.

- Apparently, so am I.

- What does that mean? Zoe!

- Zoe!

- Come on.

- Pardon me.

- Hi there.

- Hello. How are you?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Ladies.

- You ladies looking for love in Alderaan places?

- Excuse me?

- Alderaan is the last planet

destroyed by the Death Star-

Bomba, bomba, bomba!

Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat! Daniel-san.

What my socially retarded friend

was trying to say...

was that we'd like to

maybe buy you two gals a beverage.

- Sure.

- Sure.

Oh, my God. Wow.

You know, uh, Eric and Linus

are waiting for us.

I think that they're going to understand.

They're going to understand.

Where are they, man?

It's almost- It's almost 8:00!

I don't know where they are, but we

don't have time to wait for 'em. Come on.

Convention room's this way.

Let's go.

- Rak non!

- Yes, sir!

Phasers on stun.

Being the C.E.O.

of my own company...

I'm not gonna lie to you,

I get a lot of perks.

I got a big-ass mansion, you know.

I got a butler-

Maurice.

Bentley in the drive.

Flux capacitor.

I mean, the 1.21 gigawatts,

that don't come cheap, you know.

- But I got the duckets, you know.

- Wow.

There's nothing more sexy

than a man with power.

What do you mean?

Like-You like power?

- Uh-huh.

- I like power.

- I got a hell of a lot of power.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

You want to come sit on my lap.

Oh. Wow.

You want to take your shirt off.

Wow-ar-r-rm.

Yummy!

Oh, my God.

- Can you smell that?

- Trekkies.

Yeah.

Badges.

Yeah, we're not here for the Trek.

Okay? We're here to see somebody.

And who would that be?

We're here to see the nerfherder.

- Hmm?

- Scruffy Nerfherder.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!

And then Zoe just storms off.

I mean, she's really...

a very difficult specimen

to read sometimes.

If you know what I mean.

But I-

You just can't act like that

if you wanna be one of the guys.

Maybe... she doesn't

wanna be one of the guys.

She likes you.

But I didn't-

But she kind of just-

Jesus Murphy!

Wow. Okay.

What-What should I do?

Well, if there's one thing

I learned being an escort...

it's that actions speak louder than words.

Did you just say"escort"?

Fantastic.

-

- Shh!

- I don't think we're alone.

- Yeah.

You're late!

It's all there-

maps, pass codes...

phony I.D.'s to get you past the front gates,

but that's not what's most important.

What's most important?

We never met.

- That's Capt-

- Yeah. I think-

I should- Hi.

I can't believe that these are classified.

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