Fanboys Page #6

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And there's-

Look at the maps. I mean, there's badges.

And there's Trekkin' with TJ.

What is this for?

Just something for the ride.

- Thank you.

- This is unreal. How did you score all this stuff?

Are you kidding?

I'm William Shatner. I can score anything.

- Okay.

- How 'bout- How 'bout Jeri Ryan's panties?

- Oh.

- Anything.

- I'm so glad that we met.

- Me too.

This is-Whoa. Hey.

Wait, wait.

Okay, let me go.

- Hutch, private convo. Jesus.

- What the hell are you-

What are you doing, man?

Get the hell out of here.

It's not a good time.

The Force is strong with me here.

- Actually, your hour's over.

- What do you mean,"over"?

- Hutch, they're hookers.

- We're not hookers. We're escorts.

- The difference being?

- I don't know.

Excuse me. Sorry.

You telling me...

that I just spent the last hour sweet talking

a smoking, hot whore?

- You could always pay for another hour.

- How much?

- One thousand.

- Dollars?

- Mm-hmm.

- Each! I want a refund.

- Give me a refund.

- Is that possible?

You know what? We're male

prostitutes and you owe us a thousand dollars!

- You can talk it over with Roach.

- Roach?

- Hi, Daddy.

- Greetings and salutations. It is payday.

- Ten-thousand shares of Priceline?

- Anything.

- Wow.

- Next time you see Harry

Knowles, tell him we're square.

Friends of yours?

Cry havoc!

Zinfandel.

That's a good vintage.

Uh, this has all been

a really big misunderstanding.

You see, my friend and I, we didn't know

that we were on the clock, per se.

You thought you were

getting that for free, did ya?

- Uh, Mr. Roach?

- Yeah?

Would you mind not eating

those peanuts 'cause-

Buddy, these are like

$10 a peanut, you know.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Well, why don't you take it

out of the $2,000...

that you and your skinny

little idiot friend owe me, how's that sound?

- Rebel Alliance, dude.

- What? Enunciate.

- Rebel Alliance.

- Rebel Alliance.

We recognize the tat.

We're Star Wars fans.

- You're Star Wars fans?

- Yeah.

Sh*t. Why didn't you say so, man?

You think that's cool,

check this sh*t out. Look.

Entire right side, Rebel Alliance.

"Do or do not." That's funny.

And this arm

is the Dark Side

Don't join the Dark Side

of the Force

Check this out.

Episode I.

Fu-Schnickens.

Jar-Jar Binks.

That guy's gonna be the sh*t.

I tell you.

- Wow.

- Right? You like that?

- I had them do that pose.

I thought it was funny.

- That is awesome.

- You guys are all right.

- So, we're all hunky-dory?

- We're all copacetic?

- Well, if the word"copacetic" means...

I'm gonna rip off your tongue

and lick your ass with it, then yeah...

- we're copacetic.

- Oh.

- Windows, now!

- It was lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much for listening.

- Go, go, go!

- Balloons?

You thought that was gonna stop 'em?

- Grab the princess.

- Come on, Zoe!

- Get off me. I'm not speaking to you.

- Seriously. We gotta go now!

Why are we running? What did you do?

They're everywhere!

They're everywhere!

You're going the wrong way!

Yeah!

That's him!

He's the one who destroyed Khan.

You called Han Solo a b*tch, man!

Han Solo is a b*tch.

No one calls...

Han Solo a b*tch!

- Go, go, go!

- Go, go, go!

Why are we running?

- Go! Come on!

- What is going on?

You stop this van, you little sons of b*tches!

I'm gonna kill you!

This is not copacetic.

You stop!

Zoe, hit him with the pressed ham!

Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Nice.

Nailed it.

Linus? Jesus!

- Where'd he go?

- Did he fall out?

Chewie.

I call Chewie.

Dr. Richardson

to Trauma 2. Dr. Richardson, Trauma 2.

Your friend's awake.

- Uh, cool. Can we see him?

- Yes.

But first we need to have a little talk.

Linus tells me that

you're on some sort of a road trip.

- Uh, yeah, up to San Francisco.

- Well, not anymore, fellas.

The only place he's going is back to Ohio.

- We can't do that.

- Just what's so important in San Francisco?

- Uh, he-

- Star Wars.

Star Wars?

Look, he is very, very sick

and he needs to go home.

No.

Guys, we can't-we can't do this now.

We can't give up now.

Not when we're so close.

Linus, it's just a movie.

Yeah, maybe it is.

Maybe it is. You know what?

To most people, Star Wars

is just a movie, right?

- Not to us!

- We just spoke to the doctor.

Screw that doctor!

Screw- Screw all those people!

Did-Did they ever get their- their heads stuck

in a bucket trying to be Darth Vader?

- I mean, I don't think so. No.

- Nope.

Did they ever singe their eyebrows

trying to make a lightsaber?

No way. Did they name

their right hand Leia?

Who knows?

Yes, they could have.

- But you know who did?

- Me.

Yes, you did.

So did I. So did you.

- We all did.

- You guys are freaking sick. You know that?

This is our Death Star, man.

And I don't know about you, guys,

but I'm not running away from this one.

- Me neither.

- Screw it. I named both my hands Leia.

What the hell are you doing?

Do you know who this is?

It's that way.

Jail break!

Jail break!

What's going on?

- Hold it right there!

- No, uh, please-

You're our only hope.

Take two of these every three hours.

Oh, my God.

- I love you.

- I know.

Yeah!

-

- Mmm.

Nothing worse than a locked shitter

when you got to turd, am I right?

Seriously, man.

That is it, man!

I don't wanna do this anymore!

Why not? What'd I tell you,

sweet and womanly, right?

- Womanly?

-

- Make sure you go tell your friends.

- I'll be back.

Bam, bam, bam!

Hyah! Wanna try that?

Start the car! Start the van!

Hi!

- Let's do it! Let's do it!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Shut up, man! It was a hundred

miles ago! Stop living in the past!

Oh, my God!

Lucas Valley Road.

We gotta steal that sign, guys.

- Zoe, how we looking out there?

One guard manning the booth.

Couple civvies roaming about.

- Nothing we can't handle.

- All right, fellas,"X" marks our target.

Level"C" editing bays. It's our best chance

for finding the rough cut.

Excellent. Okay.

Once we've breached the front gate...

we're gonna be off on foot, so we're gonna

have to take a shortcut at this wall here.

And you know what that means.

Are you shitting-

Grappling hook?

A modern-day warrior

Mean, mean stride

Today's Tom Sawyer

Mean, mean pride

I can do this.

- Get up.

- Windows, how's it look up there?

Windows, make sure there are no cameras.

- Can you see anything?

All right, one, two-

- Oh, Jesus!

- Windows, Jesus!

-

- Owl

- Okay.

- Wait. There he is. Good man. Good man.

Let's go.

Follow my lead. Follow my lead.

Get down. Stay low. The ninja roll.

Guys, get down!

- Jackass.

- Guys, wait for me.

I hate running.

This is like the most exercise

you guys have gotten all year.

This is the one Shatner

said would be open.

A breach in Skywalker security.

Wow. Okay, we're in.

I feel like we're in a Scooby-Doo episode.

Go, go, go, go.

- Hutch?

- Yeah?

Your ass still smells like ham and cheese.

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