Fatal Instinct Page #12

NED:

Oh... I brought you a present!

He hands it to her. She opens it, looks in. She looks up,

struggling unsuccessfully to hide a look of displeasure.

LANA:

What is it?

NED:

It's... sorta like a cat.

Ned pulls out a PET SKUNK and puts it in Lana's lap. She

forces a weak smile.

LANA:

Not enough like a cat.

NED:

It's a little skunk. I got it at

Birds-and-Skunks-R-Us.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Lola stands in the pouring rain outside, drenched... staring

at Lana and Ned through the window.

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

NED:

So... what're you going to name him?

LANA:

How about... Ned?

NED:

(thinks about it)

Yeah. Got a nice ring to it. I've

always liked the name Ned.

LANA:

No kidding.

He puts his arms around them both.

NED:

So whatdya think? You love Ned Junior

as much as you love me?

LANA:

At least.

The phone RINGS. Lana stands up, unceremoniously dropping

the Skunk into Ned's arms. She goes into...

THE ADJOINING ROOM

...to answer the phone.

LANA:

Hello?... Hello?... Hello?

(then, whispering)

Frank? Is that you?

EXT. THE HOUSE - NIGHT

Lola is in a glass telephone booth with venetian blinds and

a ceiling fan. She cracks the blinds open. In the background,

through a window, we can see Lana in the house on the phone.

LANA:

(filtered)

I told you not to call. Frank? FRANK!

INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

Ned enters the cavernous marble rotunda, turns down a hallway

crowded with milling attorneys and defendants. Lola suddenly

intercepts him... a newspaper trailing from her high heel

shoe.

LOLA:

Who's Frank?

NED:

Frank? The only Frank I know is an

auto mechanic... but I sure as hell

wouldn't recommend the guy. He's

really slow.

He starts to move off, but she stops him, impassioned.

LOLA:

I had to see you, Ned. I need to

feel your arms around me! I wanna

suck your toes til the nails pop

off!

Lola's voice ECHOES. BYSTANDERS gather, listening. Ned looks

around self-consciously, embarrassed.

NED:

I told you, what happened was a big

mistake. A one night stand. It's

over. I have a wife...

The CROWD presses closer... not missing a thing. A WOMAN

snaps a FLASH PICTURE! A MAN turns on his video camera.

LOLA:

It doesn't matter. She'll know all

about us soon anyway. I want YOU! In

my bed... in my arms... in MEEEEEEE!

Mortified, Ned spins on his heels and makes a bee-line for

the safety of the Men's Room. Lola holds up two tickets.

LOLA:

I got us tickets to see Iron

Butterfly!

NED:

I hate opera!

INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY

Ned bursts in, goes to the urinal... not noticing BEN ARUGULA,

an older gentleman in a business suit, standing at the urinal

next to him. A beat later... Lola enters.

LOLA:

Why are you running from me? Didn't

it mean ANYTHING to you?... buffing

my buns with carnuba wax?

(looks down)

Come on, Neddy-poo. Doesn't Mr. Pokey

want to go exploring?

NED:

He's busy right now.

Arugula glances sideways at Ned, curious and uneasy.

NED:

Look, I told you... Mr. Pokey made a

big mistake! One lousy mistake in

his whole stinkin' life! So why don't

you give him a BREAK! Besides... he

belongs to my wife!

EXT. SHOOTING RANGE - DAY

Lana FIRES her gun rapidly... BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!...

over her shoulder, behind her back, under her leg.

ANGLE ON TARGET:

A full-body cut-out of a man, wearing one of Ned's trademark

gray suits. A HUGE SMOKING HOLE has been blown right through

the crotch! Lana smirks, inhales the SMOKE from the gun

barrel... and blows it out.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

TILT DOWN from an official government seal that reads "ARS

GRATIA ARTIS." JUDGE Ben Arugula... the distinguished looking

gentleman from the men's room, sits on the bench. Ned, Laura

and a SLIMY DEFENDANT stand at the defense table.

JUDGE ARUGULA:

I'd like to congratulate Mr. Pokey

for setting yet another unusual legal

precedent. This is the first time

I've ever tried a case in which the

JURY was found to be insane.

ANGLE - JURY AND BAILIFF

The BAILIFF is handing out straitjackets to all the JURORS.

The Jury Foreman struggles to get his on and laced up.

BAILIFF:

(to another Juror)

What're you? A thirty-eight long?

BACK TO JUDGE ARUGULA

JUDGE ARUGULA:

The jury will be remanded to the

Center For Unclear Thinking in Simi

Valley. Court's adjourned.

INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY

The JURY is led from the courtroom in straitjackets and

chains. Ned and Laura follow them out.

NED:

Your BIRTHDAY! Today? Why didn't you

tell me?

LAURA:

It's not important. I just had one

last year.

NED:

Well, I'm taking you out to celebrate!

In the b.g. the Slimy Defendant pulls a gun and forces

CITIZENS... including Judge Arugula... up against the wall,

robbing them!

LAURA:

Oh no no! It's no big thing. I'll

have another one sometime.

NED:

I insist. And I want to get you a

nice present.

LAURA:

You're so sweet. You don't have to.

You gave me a present last year.

Those lovely Ginzu knives.

NED:

Yeah... aren't they great! They last

forever. And you can cut right through

a shoe with 'em!

As they walk off, we HOLD ON a CLOSE SHOT of a newspaper.

The headline reads: EX-CON STALKS COP/LAWYER NED RAVINE!

Below it is a picture of Max Shady, eyes wide with psychotic

rage... a huge cigar in his mouth, wearing a garish Hawaiian

shirt.

Hands lower the newspaper... revealing Max himself, with the

same cigar, shirt and crazed look on his face.

INT. LE MISS FASHION BOUTIQUE - DAY - MONTAGE

Laura models hats... each one becoming more outrageous. She

coaxes Ned into joining her. They BOTH try on WOMEN's hats...

smiling and laughing... as "Brown Eyed Girl" plays.

In one of the mirrors, we SEE Max Shady's reflection... as

he also tries on women's hats, watching them, puffing his

cigar.

INT. LE HULA BOWL RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Laura wears a baseball cap with beer cans attached to each

side with long, curved plastic straws. The cap emblem reads

"BEER BIMBO." A price tag hangs from it. She is beaming.

In the b.g., Hawaiian DANCERS juggle flaming torches as they

dance around an ICE SCULPTURE of a Hula Dancer.

NED:

It's nice to be off the streets...

away from all the pain and misery

out there.

Ned motions casually toward the world "out there"... sticking

his thumb into the eye of a WAITER who is bending over to

pick up a spoon, setting off a chaotic CHAIN REACTION of

small disasters that finally culminates with someone near

the dance floor bumping into the Torch Juggler, throwing his

rhythm off.

Distracted, he starts catching the FLAMING ENDS of the

torches! OW! OH! YI! OUCH! YIPES!

He drops them all. The Waiter who bumped into him, politely

picks up one of the flaming torches and hands it back to the

Torch Juggler. He grabs the flaming end of the torch... and

lets out a SCREAM!

He lunges toward a voluptuous HULA GIRL ICE SCULPTURE,

grabbing the frozen breasts. His burned hands SIZZLE!

Ned and Laura don't even notice... gazing only at each other.

LAURA (V.O.)

What's he thinking when he looks at

me with that goofy smile...?

NED (V.O.)

Boy, does she look stupid in that

hat.

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