Father Figures Page #11

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it might be a nice idea

for you guys to go on

a road trip together

since you can't stay

in the same room

together for two minutes.

We can and we did.

Yeah, we drove halfway

around the country

looking for a guy

who lives next door to us.

By the way,

kind of a bumpy ride.

He didn't live next door.

He actually lived

three or four houses down.

No, it's definitely

our street.

Over. But I know

what you mean.

No, it wasn't.

It was the next street.

It was.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Just take a big

deep breath, okay?

Please. Sit down.

Sit down.

(HELEN SIGHS)

There's something

I have to say.

It was, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

Okay. It was December 1975,

three days before Christmas.

That's... That's our birthday.

Yeah.

HELEN:
I was doing

community outreach,

working with women who were

in pretty bad situations.

What kind of bad situations?

Really bad, Kyle.

ALI:
Drugs,

abuse,

destructive

May-December relationships

they can't pry themselves

away from?

Ali, don't bring your

own drum to the concert.

Let Helen talk.

(SCOFFS)

There was one

young girl in particular

that I got very close to.

There was something

incredibly special about her.

She was six months pregnant.

She went into labor early.

It was dangerously early.

And she had a very, very long

and hard delivery.

But, at the end,

she produced two

beautiful baby boys.

Your birth mother.

Your mother

didn't survive.

Oh, my God.

This just got really sad.

So, with no family on record,

the hospital was required

to call social services.

But Helen didn't want to

put you into that system

and maybe get split up.

She loved you from

the moment she saw you.

So, I started

the process of adoption.

WALTER:
Despite my objections.

See, as much as I loved Helen,

I couldn't imagine sacrificing

my future for two tiny

strangers. You know?

Kids were

never part of my plan.

I'm better with animals,

I guess.

Helen, on the other hand,

could imagine nothing else.

And I brought you here

to Westerville to raise you.

What was her name?

Our birth mother.

Jenny.

Jenny who?

I don't know.

The reason why young girls

came to us

was because

we didn't ask questions.

We weren't certain

that that was her real name.

What about our dad?

We never knew.

She wouldn't talk about it.

She just wanted to start a

new life for the three of you.

(SIGHS)

I need to get some air.

- I'll talk to him.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Talk to me.

What's going through

your head?

Biological mother

dies at childbirth?

Which I guess is another way

of saying we killed her.

No.

At a certain point, I just

gotta say, you're right.

The universe is an a**hole.

I think we're

a couple of born losers

fulfilling our

born loser identity.

I mean, you don't think

that's an a**hole move?

- F*** the universe!

- (SIGHS)

What do you call that?

I'll grant you,

the universe is a little wily,

a little unpredictable.

But it's pretty

f***ing amazing

when you consider

it also gave us Mom.

And Mom gave up

everything for us.

Where would we be

right now without Mom?

And I hate to even

contemplate this.

We might be

running around out there,

not even aware

that each other exists.

We're not losers.

We're survivors. Okay?

And that's because of Mom.

And because of Mom,

we can survive anything

the universe throws at us.

I like that.

All right. Good.

Survivors.

That's good.

But the universe is on

probation with me, Pete.

Fair enough.

(SIGHS)

I should've told you as soon

as you could understand,

but I didn't,

and it just got

harder and harder.

I was so afraid.

Of what?

Of hurting you.

Losing you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN OVER PA)

So... (SIGHS)

I got hit by a train.

- You got hit by a train.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, you get after that

fantastic girl of yours

and give her Honi for me.

F*** that!

I'm gonna give you a Honi.

I don't need a Honi. I'm good.

You do need a Honi.

We all need Honis.

- Hey...

- Peter.

- I'm giving you a Honi.

- All right.

You know what they say,

a Honi a day...

(PETER CHUCKLING)

PETER:
Blue, 32!

Hut! Hut!

In the end zone.

- (ETHAN WHOOPING)

- Yeah! It's a catch!

ETHAN:
Great throw, Dad.

Damn, you could've

been in the NFL.

- Eh. Probably.

- Hey, you ready for this?

Probably could've been.

Yeah. Hit me. Hit me.

Oh, sh*t!

Boom! You like that?

Oh, my God. Nice hit.

- Come here, you.

- (SQUEALS)

ETHAN:
Oh, gross, guys.

Come on. Really?

Life is such a crazy ride.

One minute you're on this epic

quest with your brother.

The next minute you're getting

replaced by a monkey,

about to lose it all.

PETER:
And the next minute,

you think

your brother's been killed

by a speeding locomotive.

And the next minute you think

your brother's having sex

with his sister.

But the next minute

you're very happy

to find out that

she can't be your sister

because her father didn't

believe in premarital sex.

I'm not sure

they're quite ready

to hear about

all your adventures.

You're gonna have to

educate those girls

about premarital sex

because we come from

a long line of people

with a zest for love making.

Never hold back on love.

You hear that? Never.

But let's not get distracted.

Now, where were we?

Yes, one minute, Dad's getting

replaced by a monkey...

PETER:
Yeah,

but the next minute,

you're inventing an app

with your brother

that sends people optimistic

messages from the universe.

And then the next minute,

you're making $3.99

- every time it's downloaded.

- Every single time.

And the next minute,

it's been downloaded

a million times.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- A million times.

Hi, it's me. The Universe.

Remember, life is not a race.

It's the journey that counts.

Okay?

I love you.

By the way,

the Illuminati is real.

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