Father Figures Page #10

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But if someone

came over to my house

and effed my grieving sister,

I'm pretty sure

that I'd want to

just rip him

limb to limb, okay?

I'd want to

just mutilate his ass.

What?

Deservedly.

But guess what?

What?

Someone did just eff

my grieving sister.

- Yeah.

- What?

Peter, do the honors.

Chime in.

- No!

- Chime in.

I don't think

we should do the honors.

Liam, Sean, darling Sarah...

Paddy's our father.

You're our brothers.

You're our sister.

What?

What the f***

are you talking about?

What the hell is going on?

Our mom's name

is Helen Baxter.

Did Paddy ever mention her?

- You're Helen's boys?

- PETER:
Yes!

The twins?

- (SARAH GROANS)

- (ALL GASPING)

You don't pick your family.

Oh, God!

SEAN:
I'm gonna

f***ing kill you!

I'm going to f***ing kill you!

Seanie! Seanie!

Stop it!

You two stay right here.

What is happening?

All right, everybody whose

last name isn't O'Callaghan,

get in the house.

- Oh, God. (GROANS)

- KEVIN:
Come on, move.

Oh, God!

Oh, f***!

KEVIN:
All right, settle in.

I'll try to clear

this up for you.

Good.

Paddy could not

be their father.

How do you know that, Kevin?

Because Paddy and their mother

never had sex.

What?

I mean, you can't

know that for sure.

Paddy thought he was

gonna marry your mother.

And despite

the sexual climate,

for him, that meant saving it

for their wedding night.

Yeah, like Sarah's

saving her muff.

Shut the f*** up, Liam.

You're no angel.

Shut up, you two.

My brother Paddy

took this very seriously.

If you don't believe me,

ask your mother.

Not now,

you moron!

You said go ask Ma.

Sit down.

Jesus Christ! Sit down.

So what happened?

Well, what happened was,

a guy by the name

of Walter Tinkler.

A veterinarian student

from down in New York.

Dr. Tinkler? We know him!

The guy who killed

Chairman Meow.

PETER:
He didn't

kill Chairman Meow.

Well, was Chairman Meow alive

when we dropped him off?

Was he dead

when we picked him up?

In my book, that's murder.

KEVIN:
Hey. Hey.

It was just a f***in' cat.

We both loved Chairman Meow.

I can't believe Tinkler's been

in our lives this whole time.

You see, this Tinkler guy

and your mother

had this on-again

off-again relationship

apparently since high school.

Paddy was always worried

that she'd wind up

going back to him.

Ultimately, she did.

But she did tell my brother

she'd always have

a warm spot

in the heart for him.

She let him down soft.

But this Tinkler guy

was the love of her life,

and that she was

going to marry him.

Mom got married?

To Tinkler?

Last I heard,

she had twins and moved back

to Ohio to raise 'em.

What?

So, if their mom hadn't broken

our dad's heart,

then the three of us

never been born?

That's one way

of looking at it.

Sorry, fellas,

you made me.

You gave me life.

That's not good logic.

That's all I got.

I'm stuck with this.

Enjoy your f***in' life.

Thanks, Uncle Kevin.

And you two

are off the hook. Officially.

PETER:
Yeah.

You were sweatin' it there

for a second.

- SARAH:
Yeah.

- I was, too. I know I said

it wasn't a big deal

effing your sister.

It's a big deal.

- It's a big deal.

- KYLE:
It's criminal.

- Oh, my God.

- (ALL CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God!

Looks like we're going home.

(INAUDIBLE)

(HORN HONKING)

What was that?

- You honked.

- (CHUCKLES)

You a**hole.

(DINGS)

- Hello!

- Hello!

I just did...

Hello?

Yup. Heard you the first time.

KYLE:
Sorry.

How can I help you?

PETER:
We really need to

see Dr. Tinkler.

- Kind of a family emergency.

- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry.

He's with a patient

and doesn't

want to be disturbed.

Well, I'm sorry.

We didn't want to

grow up without a father.

Yeah.

Could you please disturb him?

Okay, I can't really

speak to your experience.

Although, I did get kicked out

of a threesome in college

and that was very traumatic.

- No.

- ALI:
Yeah.

- They just kicked you out?

- ALI:
Yes.

They went like this...

(CLICKING TONGUE)

In flagrante

and then you're gone?

They said I was

underperforming.

I thought I was doing great.

Can we just stay focused here?

This is super important.

We have to see

the doctor stat,

which is a medical term.

(SIGHS) Okay,

he has an opening...

Ooh! Thursday.

- I'll pencil you in.

- (DINGS)

- PETER:
No!

- KYLE:
Now!

- Pencil us in now!

- Right now! This is urgent.

Please!

Ali, could you bring me

Butterball's

immunization records, please?

Hello.

(KYLE EXHALES)

Peter.

Kyle.

Walter.

Dad.

(GASPS)

- What the... Come on.

- Get him.

You gotta get down here

right away. They're here.

Walter, what are you doing?

We're your sons.

WALTER:
Well,

you gotta get down here.

Walter is your father?

You said

you never wanted children!

I didn't. I don't.

Ali, it's complicated.

You know what's complicated?

Dating a man who went to

high school with my mother.

You should just open the door.

Second door, sucker.

Pete, I'm in.

Now you're gonna talk.

Kyle, please. Guys, calm down.

Your mother, I think,

really should

have this conversation.

Well, that hasn't worked

for the last 40 years.

Look. We're not trying

to shake you down,

Dad, we just wanna...

You sick son of a b*tch.

Is this how you butchered

Chairman Meow?

Nobody butchered

Chairman Meow.

It's called putting him down.

It's called death.

Death. Yes.

It comes to us all.

Even the kitties.

Enough, all right.

We know you're our father.

Why can't you just say it?

We just want some answers.

KYLE:
Ooh. Looky here.

Is this what you do?

You just shoot the cats

in the head?

It's a tranquilizer gun.

Every vet has one.

Not on my watch.

You're not going

to put him down.

- This has to stop.

- We're just snipping him.

This cat lives...

Pete, you gotta see this.

Kyle, stay focused.

Oh, my God. Those are huge.

Those are big balls.

Unnerving.

KYLE:
Gotta tip your hat

to the little guy.

You're a doctor,

is that normal?

No. Yeah. But for a gorilla.

KYLE:
That's beautiful.

Well done.

Wow! That's...

He's gone!

We got a runner!

Run, Walter, run!

Where are you going?

We know where you live.

- (TRANQUILIZER GUN FIRES)

- (GROANING)

Whoa! You shot Dad.

Because this ends now.

PETER:
Walter!

Is he all right?

Pete, you're a doctor, look.

- I know. I think he's okay.

- Sweetheart, come through.

Give him some water.

PETER:
Yeah, it's gonna

be okay. Right?

KYLE:
Give me your eyes.

It's me, Kyle.

Why did you run?

You see how it feels?

It doesn't feel good.

Hey, come on.

What the f***

did you do to Walter?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

You just called me!

Are you kidding?

I'm sorry. I got shot

by a tranquilizer dart

and I'm a little woozy.

(STAMMERING) It was a whole...

We shot him because

he was trying to escape.

PETER:
What the hell, Mom?

I mean, our Dad was here

the whole time,

you sent us on

this wild-goose chase.

Okay. This family has issues.

I didn't think you'd go, okay?

Although, I thought

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