Father Figures Page #9

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almost all poison.

No, taste mine.

You'll taste the difference.

- Little bit.

- Yeah.

BOTH:
Mmm.

Poison.

There is a little

difference, yeah.

- Yeah.

- I do taste that.

So, I'm sorry to tell you,

but two hours left to live.

Well, guess I'd better

make these two hours count.

Yeah, you better.

Yeah.

My name is Sarah.

Code name Babydoll.

Well, Sarah, my name's Peter.

Code name...

Pinky Pants.

I've heard about you.

Yeah, I'm legendary.

Well,

here's to your last two hours.

Hi. Hey! Can you see me?

- Aloha.

- Aloha.

Are you ready

for naked Facetime?

Yeah.

I'm wearing your favorite bra.

KYLE:
Oh, my gosh.

Wait, why aren't you naked?

- Um...

- Where are you?

I'm actually in the car.

I'm just kind of settling in.

I'm trying to give Pete

a little privacy

because he met a girl.

- (KNOCKING)

- Oh.

Hey.

Got some

room service out here.

Yeah, bet you don't deliver

out to the parking lot

too much,

but I'm just trying to give

my brother some privacy.

Here, wave to Kaylani.

That's the room service guy.

Hi, room service dude.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay.

I might get some

breakfast later.

No problem.

KAYLANI:
How's your trip been?

Hey, honey,

there's something

I need to tell you.

KAYLANI:
Is everything okay?

No, everything's going great

with the trip.

(STAMMERING)

It's kind of a recent setback.

What's up?

I think it's gonna be

good, actually.

There's so many buttons.

- Here...

- Help.

I'll help and go

from the bottom.

- Here we go.

- Help.

Oh, God. That's really

slowing me down.

Oh, my God. You have buttons.

Listen, there's something

you should know.

- (SIGHS)

- What?

I don't manscape.

Well, what are we

working with?

Well, here you go.

Oh, no.

It is what it is.

Works for me.

(BOTH MOANING)

Ahoy!

Good morning.

Good morning.

Yes. Yes.

Any news to report?

Um...

(CHUCKLING)

You are incorrigible.

Where is she?

I don't know actually.

I woke up and she was gone.

You experienced

a pure one-night stand.

Do you know how rare that is?

You were visited by

an angel last night.

Plain and simple.

Well, she did,

she did leave a note.

"Thanks for a really

fun night. I needed it."

"I needed it!"

Guess who gave it to her?

This guy!

KYLE:
I just like

seeing you giddy.

You're just gleeful.

This is the Pete

I've been trying to get.

Come on, Worcester!

Come on.

Okay.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have

arrived at your destination.

KYLE:
This is it.

Sparkly P likes to party.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

Breathe.

What is going on?

LIAM:
Dad gets Clemens to come

and pitch batting practice

for us at the park.

F***er beaned me,

like, twice but still

greatest day of my life.

Hey, fellas. Welcome.

PETER:
Thank you.

There's beer, liquor.

There's food in the back.

Make yourselves at home.

(LIAM GRUNTS)

Hey, I am so f***in' happy

you're my brother.

I love you so much.

LIAM:
I love you too, bro.

You know.

Okay. Sorry to interrupt.

Do you know if Paddy's here?

Oh, yeah. Dad's inside.

Come on. He's in the study.

I'll take you over. Come on.

Oh, Dad's over there, guys.

So, how do you guys

know my dad?

Liam, Sean needs your help

changing the keg.

Oh, for f***'s sakes.

Sorry, fellas,

my brother's a moron.

Hey. Watch your mouth.

That's my boyfriend

you're talking about.

My f***in' 10-year-old

cousin can change a keg.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, man.

I'm sorry we're too late.

I would have really

loved to get to know you.

He seems like a good man.

Raised a good family.

Did he just die?

Presumably, yeah.

KYLE:
Do you think he died

in the line of duty?

PRIEST:
Paddy O'Callaghan

was many things

to many people.

There was no role

he treasured more

than being a father.

And I know there's no one

he would rather hear

from right now

than his dear sweet daughter.

Are you okay to talk, hon?

Thank you, Father.

My father and I

didn't always get along.

He was a cop

who saw the worst in people.

That's the girl

from last night.

SARAH:
He practically

arrested this...

No.

PETER:
That's Babydoll.

I saw...

Oh, my God.

We've all slept with

the wrong woman.

Yeah, but it's our sister.

No, I know. But I've slept

with some squirrelly women.

Super squirrelly.

PETER:
It doesn't matter

how squirrelly they are,

they're not our sister.

No, listen to me.

It didn't happen, okay?

It didn't happen.

Just erase it.

It didn't happen!

Is that why it was so good?

I'm a monster.

I love you, Pop.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

- We have to go.

- No!

Stop. Peter. Peter, stop.

Peter!

Peter!

LIAM:
The f***!

KELLY:
What the f***! Sean!

It wasn't f***ing me.

Did he get you?

Don't touch! Oh, my...

Get your...

Hey, douchebag!

- Where's the apology?

- Whoa. Hey. I'm sorry.

- Where's the apology?

- Jesus!

What were you talkin' about?

Just let us go.

Why are you not apologizing?

Hey, stop. Come here. Stop it.

Contact, bro?

Contact in O'Callaghan's yard?

Okay, just stop! Hold it!

LIAM:
In my yard?

Hey! We just want an apology!

Come on,

just say you're sorry.

- I'd really rather not.

- Peter, come on!

Summer's over,

you ready for the fall?

Don't be prideful.

Come on, just...

I'm not being prideful.

It's hard to apologize when I

just got shoved off a porch.

Charged up!

I saw you spill the drink on

the girl. She's soaked.

That's true,

and I am sorry about that.

Okay, but don't tell me,

tell them! Just say it.

- Fine!

- SEAN:
F*** you guys!

I'm sorry!

To who?

To the douchebag's girlfriend.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Close enough.

- It's too late.

- KYLE:
What?

Look, you can't

move the goalpost.

They moved.

He just apologized.

That's more than I've ever

gotten from him.

Come on, you're lucky we're

not demanding an apology!

He wants an apology.

- Here's an apology, bro.

- (KYLE GROANS)

- That's an O'Callaghan sorry.

- CROWD:
Whoa!

I got his ankle, Pete!

I got him in a foot lock.

I'm gonna sprain his ankle.

Hey, hey! What are

you boys doing? Get up!

What the hell's going on,

boys? Huh?

Whoa!

Paddy!

He's alive!

LIAM:
It's not Paddy,

you idiot.

That's our Uncle Kevin.

He's Paddy's twin brother.

My brother's

lying dead in there.

Show a little respect.

- For Christ's sake.

- Peter?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Wait a minute,

you know this d-bag?

Yeah.

KELLY:
Wait, is this the guy

from last night?

What guy from last night?

Is he why

you didn't come home?

Did you f*** our sister?

- Oh, God.

- Language.

Did you eff our sister?

That's better.

Stop it, you guys.

I'm a grown woman!

Easy. She's right, boys. Easy.

Come on.

We're acting like animals.

I'm pretty sure that your

sister's had sex before,

and I can tell you that Peter

is a considerate lover.

- Oh, God!

- KYLE:
I'll vouch for that.

LIAM:
You come to my home.

To my father's wake the day

after f***ing my sister?

I'm going to break your dick.

- (ALL SHOUTING)

- Liam, hold off.

I know I was saying

relax a couple of seconds ago.

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