Father Figures Page #8

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- (CHUCKLING)

I'm just an idiot, Pete.

You said so yourself.

You're not an idiot, Kyle.

You're not, you're just...

What?

You're overly optimistic.

That's all.

That's a nice way to put it.

Well, I don't know.

Who am I kidding?

I honestly started thinking

that Kaylani and our kid

would be better off

without me.

Maybe I ought to

just bail now.

For their sake because then,

maybe, Kaylani

could tell the kid a cool

story the way Mom did.

"Yeah, your dad was base

jumping into a volcano

"and the lava got him."

Or I was a brilliant doctor,

like you.

You have the kindest heart of

anyone I have ever met.

And a little while ago,

I thought I lost you forever,

and it was the worst feeling

I've ever felt.

No one's better off

without you, Kyle.

You're gonna be a great dad.

You know how you were always

asking Mom about Dad?

I wasn't that curious.

I think because I had you.

What?

Yeah, I had a lot of friends

and girlfriends

and people that love me

because I'm, kind of,

you know,

bon vivant, a raconteur,

or whatever you want to say.

But you never thought

I was any of those things,

but you were still there.

Getting on me.

"Hey! Don't jump off the roof

into the pool.

"You'll break your neck.

"Here, let me show you

how to tie your tie."

Always kind of thought

that was the type of stuff

our dad would've been saying.

I'm sorry about your glasses.

Don't be.

I don't need them.

What do you mean?

I don't need glasses.

I have 20/20 vision.

What?

Yeah, I just had this image

of who I thought I should be

and glasses fit the bill.

There you go.

That's why you're brilliant.

Why did I wear glasses

for 20 years?

KYLE:
Because you're an idiot.

I'm a f***ing idiot.

I'm a big dumb idiot.

Boom! That's right.

"Oh, my God! I'm still alive!"

And that's basically

how it all went.

It's crazy. This is one night

we're talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess we missed our flight.

You want to check

and see when the next one is?

Nope.

I feel

very confident

that the universe

is telling us to proceed

with Operation

Who's Your Daddy.

Are you messing with me?

We started

this goddamn mission

to find our father together,

and we are gonna

finish it together.

Come hell or high water.

God damn it,

that's the spirit!

Let's do this!

PETER:
We're going in!

KYLE:
We're going in!

PETER:
This is happening!

PETER:
Thank you

for driving all the way

out here with the new rental.

Appreciate it.

OFFICER 1:
Okay, guys,

I think these might be yours?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

All right.

That's gonna be one big

f***ing insurance mess.

But we got everything we need,

so you're free to go.

Thanks a lot, officers.

It's no problem.

Really appreciate it.

What now?

How do we find Sparkly P?

- Leg work.

- Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you just say "Sparkly P"?

Yeah.

- The police officer...

- From the '70s?

Yeah.

You've heard of him?

Are you kidding me?

There's not a cop in the

whole state who hasn't.

OFFICER 2:
Yeah.

Patrick O'Callaghan

aka Sparkly P.

Had one of the biggest

coke busts in history.

We spent like two weeks

studying him

back in the academy.

The guy's a legend.

Holy sh*t, Pete.

We could be Irish.

Yes!

I'm Irish, too,

on my sister's side.

You know where to find him?

So, I just talked to my buddy

in the force

and apparently

Mr. Patrick O'Callaghan

retired the NYPD back in '86.

This right here

is his last known address.

If anyone comes asking,

I didn't tell you sh*t.

I'm trusting you with this.

Don't f*** me.

Not gonna f*** you.

What?

What?

- Guess where he lives?

- Where?

You're not gonna believe this.

Worcester, Mass.

Worcester, Mass!

You've been leading us

there the whole time!

KYLE:
It's the universe, Pete.

The universe is magic!

HITCHHIKER:
I'm magic.

I'm a magic man.

PETER:
All right. Okay.

I guess we're all going home.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Well,

thanks for letting me keep

a little souvenir.

Sure.

This has been magnificent.

Thank you, guys.

I appreciate your assistance.

Have a good night.

KYLE:
Hey!

Yeah?

We don't even know your name.

Oh, Kyle,

you've known it

the whole time.

That's beautiful.

I think he's messing with us.

No, he's not.

- Yeah, yeah.

- No.

He was messing with us.

PETER:
Ding!

KYLE:
May we get a room?

Your cheapest room, please.

(VERY QUIETLY) Well, every

room in here is cheap, so...

Sorry?

(VERY QUIETLY) Every room

in here is really cheap.

Okay. Here you go.

We're gonna nab one from ya.

(VERY QUIETLY)

So, just the one room?

Mmm-hmm.

One night?

Yeah.

Two beds.

Oh. Um...

Can we still get food

and drinks at the bar?

(VERY QUIETLY)

Right back there behind you.

Food for about another

10 minutes,

and drinks till 2:00.

Till, sorry?

Till 2:
00.

You're going to have to

speak up, Biz Markie,

'cause I can't hear you.

(VERY QUIETLY)

For 10 more minutes,

and drinks until 2:00.

Okay.

Hey, do you remember

when Mom tried to

teach us about sex?

Yeah. (LAUGHING)

You had already Papa John'd

half the girls at school

at that point.

Turns out, we probably

should have listened to her.

Amen.

It's like we passed up

basketball tips

from Michael Jordan,

as it turns out.

We really did.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm gonna hit the head.

Excuse me.

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice

that you're

crying.

No. I'm fine.

I often have

that effect on women.

Just not usually this fast.

Sorry. I'll leave you alone.

No. You know what,

please don't.

Just sit.

Buy me a drink.

All right.

Another...

Scotch on the rocks.

Oh, nice.

- Make that two.

- BARMAN:
Right up.

Thank you.

So,

want to talk about it?

No.

No sob stories.

I like that rule.

Cheers.

No sob stories.

All right.

WOMAN:
Do you

want to talk about

that?

- This?

- Mmm-hmm.

Uh... Well...

I can't.

Why?

Because I'm a secret agent.

I don't think you were

supposed to tell me that part.

- Well...

- (LAUGHS)

Why don't you

let me worry about

how secret agent-ing works,

seeing as how I am

the secret agent.

WOMAN:
You're right.

You should see the other guy.

Sorry to interrupt, Peter.

I just got an urgent call

from the client.

I'm gonna have to go in.

Apparently old Gary Peterson

really shat the bed

on the LBJ proposal.

Guy's just useless.

He's been screwing up

since the beginning.

Anyway,

I'm gonna go in the office,

I'm probably going

to spend the night,

and I will see you

tomorrow, okay?

Are you sure?

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

All right.

Was that the other guy?

He looks like sh*t.

That guy's actually

my partner.

He's another secret agent.

See, you keep saying "secret,"

but then you keep

telling me about it.

I am failing at this job.

I will tell you this...

I'm also a secret agent.

No!

Sent here to kill you.

What?

That drink, it's poison.

Wait, what?

Sorry.

You surreptitiously

poisoned me?

Surreptitiously.

You're so good.

I had no idea this is poison.

Yeah! That's, like,

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