Father Figures Page #7

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Hey, how you doing?

You stopped. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you both.

- You're welcome.

- Thank you so much.

Even if you don't

give me ride,

thank you just for stopping.

I was beginning to think

black was the new

invisible out here.

You know what I mean?

The gesture means a lot.

Where are you headed?

North. Worcester, Mass.

Just trying to get to my kid's

birthday tomorrow.

We're really sorry.

We're going south.

We're going to JFK, so...

How about this?

There's a train station,

it's like two miles south.

You take me there?

Now, I don't see why...

Are you f***ing crazy?

I'm gonna have to ask you...

We got a Nervous Nelly here.

So I know this is gonna sound

like a funny question,

but are you a serial killer?

No. No.

I get it. There's a lot of

nuts out there.

I am a stranger,

I am a hitchhiker...

Satisfied?

...but I swear to you,

I am not a serial killer.

- Hmm...

- Well, did you notice how you

emphasized the word "serial,"

which makes it sound like

you're a killer,

just not a serial one.

Oh, man, okay.

Now that was

totally unintentional.

I promise you that.

Didn't mean that.

But you're still not saying,

"I'm not a killer."

It seems like that's what

a non-killer would say.

I'm an idiot, man. Idiot!

I've been

a non-killer too long

to not know

the non-killer rules.

You know what I mean?

How about this?

We'll give you a ride...

Are you f***ing crazy?

Let me finish, Pete.

We can give you

a ride to the station,

but, and this is

a pretty big but,

only if we can tie you up.

That way you can't rape

or kill or murder

Mr. Paranoia here.

Uh...

KYLE:
You okay?

Those aren't too tight,

are they?

Almost kill you.

Can't kill you.

(CHUCKLING)

KYLE:
Don't even joke around

with our driver.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm still not getting

a phone signal here.

Are you sure there's

a train station this way?

100%. I grew up one town over.

I used to play ice hockey

at the rink across the street.

Just make a left up there.

PETER:
I don't see

street signs.

We are f***ed.

F***ed!

We're gonna miss our flight.

- Take it easy, Pete.

- Do you realize that?

Okay, then we'll catch

another one.

Okay? It's not a big deal.

Classic Kyle! Nothing's ever

a big deal. Must be nice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am sensing

a very disturbing vibe here.

Pete, are you mad at your

brother about something?

Yes! I'm mad!

And it's probably obvious.

There's like a rage pulsing

through his entire body.

Classic Pete right here.

Luckily, I'm sort of

the Pete whisperer.

I always know

how to calm this guy down.

- Ah...

- HITCHHIKER:
Good.

Let me turn on a little music

and just lullaby you

into just relaxing.

- PETER:
Wow.

- KYLE:
There.

A, please don't patronize me

and B, no music, okay?

I just need

to focus right now.

Well, I think music

will help you guys relax.

- (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

- Makes a great point.

You can't focus

if you're too tense, Pete.

I just need it quiet, okay?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What are you, 10?

Can't you just

listen to music?

No! I don't want

to listen to music.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(VOLUME INCREASES)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Enough with the

f***ing radio, Kyle!

(KEYS CLINKING)

Oh, that was...

That was brilliant.

Go get 'em, you idiot.

I'm not gonna go get 'em.

Untie me, I'll go get 'em.

We're not gonna get the keys

until you tell me what

your problem is with me.

We're going to be here a while

because I have a million

problems with you.

- Like what?

- Yeah. Elaborate, Pete.

All you've ever done is rub

your amazing life in my face.

Your trophies and your friends

and your black Amex

and your sunsets.

Sorry for sending you sunsets.

I love sunsets.

Growing up was literally

like watching

The Kyle Reynolds Show

24 hours a day.

Girls just liked you more.

Pete, I thought you liked

hearing about my hook-ups

the same way I liked hearing

about your hook-ups.

What hook-ups?

The girl you went out with

in ninth grade.

Remember her, with the

glasses and the bad skin?

- Pamela Hartley.

- Yes!

Yeah, she only dated me

to get to you.

And guess what? The second

her skin cleared up,

he banged her.

Not cool, Kyle.

I'm Team Peter.

You even had

the balls to come home

and brag about

how you nailed her

in the back of a Papa John's.

That girl that

I messed around with

at Papa John's

didn't even wear glasses.

Mistaken identity.

Back on Team Kyle.

PETER:
Guess what?

Junior year, she got contacts

and her skin cleared up

and you banged her

right after having a sausage

lover's pizza, apparently.

"This chick loves

sausage, Pete."

I don't remember that.

If I have to hear

about your goddamn

barbeque sauce fortune

one more time.

The picture on the bottles

could be literally anybody!

And you've lucked out

your entire life.

The way you've lived,

you should be broke

and homeless,

not chillaxing on a beach

with your perfect girlfriend

and your perfect house

and your soon-to-be

perfect family!

F*** you!

Stop blaming me

for everything.

You know, just because you

think your life sucks. Okay?

Take some responsibility

for some of the

decisions you made.

You decide to

go ahead and marry

the first girl

you ever mess around with,

and then, big shocker,

it doesn't work out?

You decide to look at

a**holes for a living.

That's my fault?

Spent your whole life

trying to impress a dead guy.

It's not my fault.

It's your fault.

In fact, maybe if you tried

to be like me

a little bit more,

you wouldn't be

such a miserable dick!

And your son

wouldn't hate you!

(GROANS)

God damn it.

(GROANS) God damn it!

You broke my glasses.

F***!

Guys, use your words.

F*** you, Kyle!

I hate conflict.

PETER:
F*** you!

A**hole!

Hey, guys, my Negro

spider senses is tingling.

(BELL DINGING)

I think we may be

on a choo-choo track.

PETER:
While you were lying on

a beach in Maui, I was home,

taking care of Mom!

I don't like this.

Yup, that is definitely

a choo-choo train.

Mom is an independent

vibrant sexual woman!

Okay.

KYLE:
Stop taking care

of people!

It's not the soul train, guys.

You want to stop fighting

and look out the window...

Motherfuckers, we're on the

motherfucking railroad tracks!

- There's a train coming!

- (TRAIN HONKING)

There is a train!

Get me off the tracks!

Train. Pete, get out!

Help! Now!

- Get out!

- (HONKING INTENSIFIES)

My seatbelt!

Kyle!

Kyle!

(SOBBING)

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

KYLE:
Pete!

Pete!

PETER:
Kyle!

Pete!

Kyle!

Pete!

Yes!

Yeah!

(PETER GROANS)

KYLE:
No. They're literally

replacing me

with a monkey or a seal,

some kind of animal.

Because apparently animals

don't get residuals.

A monkey can't do your job.

How much do you have left?

Not as much as I owe.

Yeah, I'll probably

have a repo man

showing up at my house

in a few weeks.

Take my Ferraris back.

Ferraris, plural?

Three.

- You are incorrigible.

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